u/fortheforms

Just venting a bit, but also seeking advice on how to get over this lol. I (33F) nailed two presentations this week. They were high-stakes in another country—really just about putting my name out there.

But I am exhausted. I have been working so damn hard, and now that this week is over, I am questioning if it’s all worth it. Where will it lead? What are the chances (social science/humanities)...

I also feel super alone - and wish someone could just love me and witness these small accomplishments

I tried to go out to a bar tonight - I dressed up, looked cute….. And as I walking up hill, I turned right back around and went to a neighborhood pub where I drank an aperol spritz, listened to my music, and ordered a stupid overpriced cheeseburger.

How am I supposed to meet someone if I can't even push myself to go somewhere else.. Ugh.

Sorry this vent is all over the place.

Field - Social Science - IR

Country - Canada
Current short visit - UK

Where would one meet others in their 30s?!
Which bars, restaurants or cafes?
Rave your top
Choice!!

Many thanks for any info!

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling a mix of confused and disappointed.

I (33F) have been dating a guy (33M) for about 3 months. We live in the same province but different cities, so there’s always been some distance, but it’s manageable and he’s made effort in that sense (he even booked a trip to come see me ..likely cancelled now 😣).

Right now I’m in the UK for a month, so communication has been more important. This is where things started to feel off for me. I’ve brought up a couple of times that I value consistent, engaged communication—especially when we’re apart—and that I want to feel like the other person is meeting me halfway. He bought a ticket out to see me in the Uk - I did share with him that I only want him to come if the communication effort part improves bc this is an important trip for me. He agreed.

Recently, I sent him a flirty/sexual text (it was daytime for me, but early morning for him). He didn’t respond for a few hours and when he did, I teased and said oooof delayed or something like that.  he responded that  he didn’t really know what to say and kind of joked about not being able to “keep up” and the time difference. We have sent many flirty texts before, including pictures. Dam we even recorded doing the deed.

 It wasn’t just that moment—it felt like part of a pattern where he doesn’t match my energy or engagement.

So I addressed it more directly and said I feel like I’m putting in effort to connect, but not really getting that back.

His response was calm but pretty clear. He said:

- He thinks we’re on different wavelengths
- He probably can’t give me what I need
- He doesn’t like things feeling like “friction” this early
- And that he’s still “filtering for compatibility” and doesn’t believe in “leaning in” or putting in that level of effort until exclusivity

Basically, his view is that dating should feel casual and easy, and that the kind of communication/effort I’m asking for is something he reserves for an actual relationship—not the dating stage. I should mention we have only seen each other three times, with the latter two times was him visiting and staying over weekends -

From my side, I see effort and communication as part of building a relationship, not something that only comes after.

For context, we’ve been talking since February, have been intimate, and he had already planned to come visit me in the UK - bought a ticket and everything. So I think that’s why I’m struggling a bit with him still being in this “filtering” mindset.

We ended things pretty calmly after that, but I’m left wondering:

- Is this just a fundamental mismatch in dating styles/expectations?
- Is it reasonable to expect more communication/effort at the 3-month mark, especially long distance?
- Has anyone dealt with someone who withholds effort until exclusivity? Did that ever actually work?

I do like him and don’t think he’s a bad guy—just trying to understand if this is a normal difference or a clear incompatibility.

Appreciate any thoughts.

TL;DR: Been dating a guy for 3 months (long-distance right now), but he says he doesn’t “lean in” or match effort until exclusivity. I see communication as part of building a relationship, so we ended things—wondering if this is incompatibility or if I expected too much.