I passed both the USTET and UPCAT, which was honestly a surprise. I was already planning on attending a university in my province because I was expecting the worst (minumura yung sarili sa notes app ko during most of April kasi I was regretting my college decisions HAHAH). Ultimately, I am choosing to pursue UST under my dream degree program (ahh, pinch me moment)!
Studying in Manila has always been a dream of mine since JHS. Tuwing dumadaan kami sa skyway, I was always so mesmerized by the tall buildings, and how busy the city was. I know, I know, Manila isn't all that with the pollution, smell, crimes, and all. Pero I've always dreamed of living in a high-rise condo where kababa mo palang, may 7/11 na tapos may view ka ng mga skyscrapers sa window mo HAHAH. I've been consuming so many Tiktoks romanticizing España lately huhu.
Regardless, I'm trying to be realistic. I'll be an hour away from my hometown, far from everyone I know. If my friends choose to pursue another university, I'll be living alone. I've never actually stayed in Manila — palagi lang dinadaanan or pinupuntahan tuwing may field trip. I don't know what to expect. Pero kung ma-describe ng family members ko na nagtrabaho at nag-aral na doon, kala mo araw-araw may barilan at krimen na nangyayari eh😭.
So many questions rotate in my head every night; what if masagasaan ako? Or manakawan? What if mawala ako or makidnap? What if hindi ako magigising sa alarm ko at mamimiss ko yung classes ko? What if, what if—
My mom isn't helping either. I know she's just scared for my well-being, pero binabantaan niya na ako agad na if mapabayaan ko daw yung sarili ko doon, ibabalik niya ako sa province namin after 1st sem. Gets ko naman siya, I had a habit of forgetting to eat sa school when things got too busy. And staying up all night doing projects. I think normal lang naman iyon for a student, but I also understand why it worries my mom. I also had unchecked mental health issues, but that's for another rant.
I just wish she was more confident in my ability to handle myself. Because I'm not. Alam mo yung feeling na alam mo naman kung ano yung mali sayo, kaya kailangan mo na lang ng reassurance na kaya mo naman instead of being met with even more criticism? I'm shy, I have a quiet voice, I hesitate, and I doubt a lot — I've spent so many nights dissecting every single flaw in my body. Alam ko na iyon. Kaya nga I'm taking my time in college as an opportunity to grow. That's why I'm forcibly choosing to get out of my comfort zone even if alarm bells are ringing in my head, even if I'm so so scared.
I've been surprising myself a lot this year; I've achieved things I didn't know I could. I hope I'll surprise myself again in this new chapter of my life.