u/blueberries-Any-kind

Sorry if this isn’t allowed and maybe I’m overthinking it all.

We are scheduled to pick up our mini poodle on Tuesday and I’m oscillating between total excitement and abject terror (dramatic I know).

I grew up with tons of pets—we never had less than 3 dogs, 2 cats, and various other critters from parrots to lizards + 5 kids in and out of the house (blended family). Our dogs even had puppies at one time. All in a 100m/1000sq ft house (big backyard).

The dogs were never trained well.. or bathed much. It was just a bit icky having so many people and creatures in a small space.

But they were also my best friends in a home that wasn’t particularly safe. I still love playing with dogs, and as a kid I really would just do it for hours at a time.

My childhood made me a bit hesitant to get a dog in adulthood because I was so flooded with pets who weren’t cared for well and I became all the animals primary caretakers from about age 10.

I am in my mid 30s and despite my hesitations around cleanliness and responsibility, my heart has desperately wanted a dog for about 10 years—and specifically a poodle. My soul dog was a poodle, but my parents got her when I was a late teen and so I didn’t see much of her but I loved her so much. She was brilliant (lol still is, she’s 19).

My husband and I WFH and have a relaxed lifestyle and plenty of space, so I’m not worried about the practical things per se.

We recently lost our daughter at 5 months pregnant, and found out I will never be able to carry a child without serious medical intervention—and even then it’s no guarantee. I am so desperate to care for a little being, but I am really nervous about the change. I have read a lot of people regret getting a dog.

For anyone else that was nervous, how did it play out?

I would consider myself “far” into my healing journey, but I had a major CPTSD relapse in February.

Also in the last 3 years I emotionally lost:

• my mom to ongoing CSA

• my two brothers to severe domestic violence/addiction

• my sister delusions/maybe schizophrenia

• my in-laws when they shared how they truly feel about me (they don’t like me)

I also had:

• financial instability this year

• housing instability (not due to finances but added to the money stress)

• I moved abroad (3 years ago)

• I lost my job and started to work for my husbands company remotely instead (3 years ago)

• and then in February at 5 months pregnant, I lost my baby and almost my life, and found out I’ll never be able to carry a baby to term without serious medical intervention.

Basically it’s been insane and I feel fucking insane right now—so I started to see a new therapist.

Background: I had one meeting with this therapist 3 yrs ago, but she declined to see me because she was organizing some big events with really well known psychologists (think Gabor Mate level).

I was bummed because she’s one of only a few English speaking IFS therapist in my country, and she seemed really passionate about trauma work.

But..she was also drinking something red out of a wineglass during our zoom intake🍷 which I tried to tell myself was cultural but I’m really not sure it was.

Fast forward to this month and I contacted her again and we had 3 amazing sessions!

I was super happy I had found her, and everything seemed fine.

The only problem was that she was late (like up to 15 minutes late) a few times, and still ended my sessions on time.. so twice they were just 35 minutes at full price.

Then yesterday we had a weird session

:(

I’ve been having a serious breakdown the last 2 weeks, and my mood has been severely volatile.

I had some big things happen this week (like I broke my nose yesterday before our session) that I wanted to discuss with her, but instead we got about 15 minutes and I was trying to tell her about my work/week, and she started talking a lot about how I needed a different job—telling me to go walk dogs or babysit.

It was a bit of a left turn as I wasn’t telling her that I wanted a new job, I was trying to talk about my breakdown.

I was amiable to the idea though, as I know working for my husband isn’t the best thing in the world.

Unfortunately though, the whole session got derailed into jobs, and she ended up talking so much that I didn’t even get a word in to tell her I am getting a puppy on Monday and can’t even get a second job right now.

It got to the point where she called a prior well connected client in the middle of the session to ask them to find me local work under the table (I don’t have papers to work here legally).

She told them over the phone that I could work with kids.. I don’t know if I’m ready to work with kids after losing my pregnancy. And then she gave me that persons number and told me to call them right away.

I felt bulldozed, and left feeling awful about myself and so small. But on the other hand more connection might be nice—but also I’m not sure if I’m ready since losing my baby and I feel so confused.

We moved this last month, and this is our first unfurnished house since moving abroad and like we only have 2 forks and 2 spoons and no butter knives. We don’t own a couch or bookshelves.. I’m literally spending all my free time scraping together one home item at a time, and it’s hard to fathom throwing in a new job rn?

Especially because I’ve been spending like minimum 4 hrs a day crying this week (psychiatrist tomorrow).

I know she meant well and that I don’t have the best work life set up..but she told me that I need to take responsibility of my life, which was hard to hear as I am trying really hard to do that and not only be in survival mode.

Anyways this therapy session got in my head so badly that I was awake from 3am-8am last night worrying about what I need to do in life and I’m not sure if I should keep seeing her as those good sessions we had were so excellent.

About 2.5 months out from my mid second trimester loss. I almost died during the birth.

I’m going to try to keep this on topic but I do veer off into more relationship dynamics that have been exacerbated by the loss.

Ive had three incidents of my mood “snapping” uncontrollably in the last three or so weeks all from my partner pushing me a little. I am lashing out at him and I don’t know what to do. I am scared our relationship won’t survive.

The three incidents:

1.) on our way to family dinner (with people I don’t speak the same language as) and I screamed in the car that I wasn’t ready and ran out of the car.

2.) my husband was mad at me that I had bought expensive retinol. I got it for my breasts stretch marks from my milk coming in, but I was embarrassed and told him it was my face not my breasts. He got mad, and then I ended up screaming again. I yelled that it was for my breasts and he didn’t understand. I again ran out of the car. That time I couldn’t stop screaming. Like literally couldn’t.

3.) The third time was yesterday. It was also a fight about money.

I told him I needed to purchase a few things for a trip I was supposed to go on.

He was clearly upset by this. He said I “needed” to buy something every day when it was really just a want.

He listed some things I “needed” which included lights for the house (our new house has no light fixtures installed, standard for our country, and so many rooms have no lights at all).

He also listed clothes, and said I had a closet full of clothes and none of them fit me (his insinuation was that they do fit me). I gained 30 lbs from my pregnancy and I literally have one pair of pants that I can button. Even my old leggings don’t fit.

He then said it was exhausting that I “needed” something every day.

This is when I asked him to please be nice to me when we discussed money, as he wasn’t being nice at all. Instead of calming down, he said he “didn’t know what to say” and wanted to go back to work (remote). I absolutely lost it.

He has a pattern of being really triggered/rude/entitled (towards me) around money. He grew up surrounded by literal and actual multimillionaires..then his dad went nearly broke due to his moms cancer and so he has some serious issues around money/thinking that we are poor.

While this year has been objectively financially difficult, we also are crawling out of it slowly. I mean a month ago we moved into a new home with a literal private pool in the backyard, in a beach town, with plenty of space and gorgeous large kitchen and bathrooms.

It’s just difficult because we are both immigrants and my visa only allows me to work for him at the moment—but our expenses have been greater than our company’s income, so neither of us have seen a paycheck basically all year.

I am feeling so frustrated and stuck, and he doesn’t seem to understand how terrible it feels to have lost my body, my baby, my financial autonomy…and on top of all of this my entire family.

In 2023 I mother died emotionally to me when she was found grooming/ S. abusing elementary school aged boys.

In 2024 and 2025, both of my brothers committed horrible domestic violence (one of them with a weapon)—both have addiction.

And slowly my sister is developing what I believe is schizophrenia, also maybe fueled by addiction.

On top of ALL of this, my husbands family really doesn’t like me—some of his immediate family literally hasn’t even acknowledged our loss.

Then after all that, I lost my baby. And I found out that I have endometriosis and cervical insufficiency which is a hugely painful diagnosis for any future pregnancies.

I feel like I’m absolutely losing it. I don’t know how to make it feel better. We both have great therapists which help, and we have a great couples therapist.. but my husband said last night he doesn’t want to see our couples this week, which is a quite worrisome.

I lost my daughter halfway through my pregnancy due to an undetected cervical insufficiency 10 weeks ago.

I have a ton of anger for quite literally never being given a cervical check/internal ultrasound even after bleeding.. but that’s another story.

I’m about 10 weeks out and coming to terms with what future pregnancies will look like. I’ve read laxatives every day, stitches of course, no sex or orgasms for the entire pregnancy—some doctors recommending total bed rest or modified bed rest ☹️ and even after all of that, still a 10-20% chance of this all happening again.

I’m just really coming to grips with the idea that if I was born in basically any other era I would never be able to have a child. It is such complex grief. It makes me feel like I’m not meant to have a child.

I try to talk to friends about it and they said oh! 90% success rate! That’s nothing to worry about! But for me a 10% chance of my baby dying *is* something to worry about—plus the risk for infection/PPROM again sounds awful. But I feel like I’m being dramatic and no one gets it.

Is anyone else feeling this way or am I overreacting?

I’m feeling very guilty and confused.

I objectively am having some really difficult times in life right now— some mood swings that have been so strong I ended up at urgent care. Not clear yet whether I have PPD or a tad of PPD psychosis (runs in the family).

Basically: about a month ago, my friend from Japan (who I haven’t seen since I was 10 years old) told me that she was going to be in Europe (where I live), for a few weeks and asked if I wanted to meet up.

I really thought I would be “better” within 4 weeks, and so I said yes, and booked a ticket.

I do not feel better. I feel worse.

It’s been a bucket list item to see her again in my life as she was my best friend as a child!

But now the (solo) trip is right around the corner and I’m freaking out. It’s totally nonrefundable—so I think I’m going to go, but I’m really scared that it will be overwhelming. I’m getting panic attacks quite often (almost daily).

I also have a puppy coming a few days after I get back, which I’m super excited for, but I’m very worried.

I just feel like I’m melting down, people want to see me this weekend – it’s our little cousin’s 10-year-old birthday, and we have a family in town from abroad.

My friend who I’ve barely seen since fall wants to see me.. on top of all of this I moved a month ago, and we still barely have any furniture as we had to start from scratch on purchasing.

I had a really topsy-turvy housing situation prior to this month due to some issues with the home, and was staying in temporary places over a span of three months (and much of my pregnancy).

I’m absolutely losing it thinking about everything I have to do. I just want cry and curl up into bed. I feel so embarrassed as I keep bailing from all of these social obligations, but I feel like I don’t have the bandwidth— and nobody is coming to ME. I quite literally have not had a single guest since I lost my pregnancy and almost died. Nobody came to my side.

Not to mention just underneath all of this, I still have a postpartum body. I gained a bit of weight during my pregnancy and my wardrobe is limited due to money being tight from moving and hospital bills. Sigh.

Part of me wants to cancel my trip and eat the €800 because I’m just so so so so exhausted.