u/back2me78

I’m 48m, I left the faith 10 years ago. I was indoctrinated into the Non Denominational Christian faith since three years old when my late mother watched CBN and Pat Robertson and got saved. My father wasn’t around and me being the oldest boy, I felt called to abide by my mother’s wishes and fully commit to this bullshit called Christianity

I am African-American and my mother pulled us about out of our black neighborhood public school In Louisiana and sacrificed to send us to majority white Christian schools. The more I’ve deconstructed the more resentful I’ve gotten. Now watching this MAGA movement placing white nationalism and their abhorrent politics in one coffin together makes me so pissed off about the years I wasted being in this Jesus movement or whatever the fuck it was. Years I’ll never get back. The cognitive dissonance I am going through right now is so overwhelming I just want to curse every white evangelical MAGA Christian out.

So much of my humanity I suppressed in service to this evangelical bullshit. Years I’ll never get back.

The fact that my mother thought “white Jesus” was somehow the savior is beyond me. Honestly I’m done with all of it - no matter what race spews its pathetic garbage. Until proven otherwise Christianity is a fraud. My ancestors learned it from their white slave owners.

I still have so much deconstruction to do and probably will never fully separate - my brain is just fucked up. Watching this MAGA lawlessness just makes it worse.

I am wanting to create a solo on camera video podcast on Youtube. What is the best teleprompter I can get on a low budget.

I'm starting to wonder if when I am manic does it cause a strong desire to be codependent and rescue others. It's either depressed and self loathing or I get all my energy in mania and feel this overwhelming desire to caretake to other people pass the point where I lose myself.

I've been this way since I was young, the need to please and feel responsible for everyone dysfunctional around me. I get obsessed about it to the point I can't really be selfish for myself without feeling guilt.

Does this make sense?

I’m a tall 6’4” guy and always rode sportbikes. I’m getting into my late 40’s and sat on a few HD baggers over the weekend. The comfort was out of this world but I felt like it was lacking engagement and that on edge feel I get from sportbikes. I’m getting older but still I’m holding on to my youth with sportbikes. I’m having an identity crisis. I can only afford one bike at a time. If you’ve been in my position tell me your why?

UPDATES: Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I could feel the passion for your individual choices. I just booked a test ride for a well loved 2021 HD Sport Glide with forward controls and apes. I’ll see how I feel on it..