u/anonymoz60

Idk if it is due to sertraline. I'm one week on this antidepressant and yesterday I had a breakdown. I was so sad and I cried and I was so so so sad, I kept mumbling "I don't wanna be lonely. I want friends. I am sad . Iam alone. And i was rubbing my body and throat and tears were not stopping and I felt my head light. I was laying on the ground with my back on the wall because I slipped initially.

In all of that I had this impulse... I tried to self strangulate myself. 2 times . It felt like my face was full of blood and I felt dots on my face inside and for a second I felt light.

I stopped it because I was conscious, I knew what I was doing.

I couldn't sleep till 4 am. Then somehow I did and woke up at 9am . My eyes burned.

I decided to go out. To chill. Maybe that will help me ease a bit?

So I'm out now, alone because I have no friends to go with. I'm going to a museum. I remember that a few months ago on my bday I wanted to go there but then also i didn't have anyone I could go with, though I could have gone alone then but it sucked on a birthday.

Today I'm going and hoping things will feel a little easier for me mentally. Idk what I'm doing but whatever it is I'm just doing it to be happy, to be at peace.

I want to crack my competitive exam and get a job, I can't focus.

My dad seemed worried because yesterday I fainted (not fainted but I felt dizzy and I acted as I fainted to feel cared for) 2 times in the morning and evening.

Mom is upset and said do what you want and don't tell me. She is making it about herself , ik she is also not well physically and mentally. But I'm her child... She could have been gentle.

Idk if I'm being too much , idk if I'm acting all of this , idk what I'm doing , idk why I'm acting this way. Idk if I'm actually okay and doing all this for attention?.

I'm so tired. So so tired.

I want to live happily.

Idk if it is due to sertraline. I'm one week on this antidepressant and yesterday I had a breakdown. I was so sad and I cried and I was so so so sad, I kept mumbling "I don't wanna be lonely. I want friends. I am sad . Iam alone. And i was rubbing my body and throat and tears were not stopping and I felt my head light. I was laying on the ground with my back on the wall because I slipped initially.

In all of that I had this impulse... I tried to self strangulate myself. 2 times . It felt like my face was full of blood and I felt dots on my face inside and for a second I felt light.

I stopped it because I was conscious, I knew what I was doing.

I couldn't sleep till 4 am. Then somehow I did and woke up at 9am . My eyes burned.

I decided to go out. To chill. Maybe that will help me ease a bit?

So I'm out now, alone because I have no friends to go with. I'm going to a museum. I remember that a few months ago on my bday I wanted to go there but then also i didn't have anyone I could go with, though I could have gone alone then but it sucked on a birthday.

Today I'm going and hoping things will feel a little easier for me mentally. Idk what I'm doing but whatever it is I'm just doing it to be happy, to be at peace.

My dad seemed worried because yesterday I fainted (not fainted but I felt dizzy and I acted as I fainted to feel cared for) 2 times in the morning and evening.

Mom is upset and said do what you want and don't tell me. She is making it about herself , ik she is also not well physically and mentally. But I'm her child... She could have been gentle.

Idk if I'm being too much , idk if I'm acting all of this , idk what I'm doing , idk why I'm acting this way. Idk if I'm actually okay and doing all this for attention?.

I'm so tired. So so tired.

I want to live happily.

Idk if it is due to sertraline. I'm one week on this antidepressant and yesterday I had a breakdown. I was so sad and I cried and I was so so so sad, I kept mumbling "I don't wanna be lonely. I want friends. I am sad . Iam alone. And i was rubbing my body and throat and tears were not stopping and I felt my head light. I was laying on the ground with my back on the wall because I slipped initially.

In all of that I had this impulse... I tried to self strangulate myself. 2 times . It felt like my face was full of blood and I felt dots on my face inside and for a second I felt light.

I stopped it because I was conscious, I knew what I was doing.

I couldn't sleep till 4 am. Then somehow I did and woke up at 9am . My eyes burned.

I decided to go out. To chill. Maybe that will help me ease a bit?

So I'm out now, alone because I have no friends to go with. I'm going to a museum. I remember that a few months ago on my bday I wanted to go there but then also i didn't have anyone I could go with, though I could have gone alone then but it sucked on a birthday.

Today I'm going and hoping things will feel a little easier for me mentally. Idk what I'm doing but whatever it is I'm just doing it to be happy, to be at peace.

My dad seemed worried because yesterday I fainted (not fainted but I felt dizzy and I acted as I fainted to feel cared for) 2 times in the morning and evening.

Mom is upset and said do what you want and don't tell me. She is making it about herself , ik she is also not well physically and mentally. But I'm her child... She could have been gentle.

Idk if I'm being too much , idk if I'm acting all of this , idk what I'm doing , idk why I'm acting this way. Idk if I'm actually okay and doing all this for attention?.

I'm so tired. So so tired.

I want to live happily.

I had the fear of giving mocks because I know I didn't really prepare well and my marks will be bad.

But many seniors of ssc cgl from this subreddit have told me to do mocks and not be scared of it even if I'm not prepared and use it to analyse my weakness.

I tried. I gave an English sectional mock yesterday and got 28 out of 50. (Bad)

Today i decided to give a full RRB ntpc mock. My score was 11.33 out of 100 and I took almost 57 mins to complete the mock. And I also gave 2 sectional mocks of history and polity, in polity I got 25 and history 11 out of 50.

Now I feel demotivated, but I understand how badly I'm doing in my studies and I need to be serious.