Warning, long story:
My mom isn't very toxic tbf. It's my dad. My dad is a narcissist and he has been known to make things up for attention but it can never be proven that he made anything up in the first place; he's very skilled at this sort of thing. He has been known to tell me I look like a slut if I wear a "spaghetti strap shirt" or smell like a slut if my perfume is too strong for him. He never had 50 cents to give me for ice cream at school but he always had $5 in his pocket to hand to my cousins or his friends' kids. He has always treated my mom with disrespect, who thought it was best to stay with a man like him than for her 3 kids (my younger brother and sister) to grow up without both parents in the household. My mom is a kind woman who has put up with a lot, but I wish she had left a long time ago, even if her nerves were too bad for her to hold a job. I've lived with the fear that my dad somehow finding out that I've been talking about him or complaining about him to anyone anywhere would cause him to blow up, act insane, even hit me. He used to beat us until my mom threatened him with divorce, then the hitting stopped, just in case he had to fight for custody and who would be the better parent to have that custody, hoping we'd forget how much he used to scream at us and hit us.
Years went by, and I finally moved out of my parents' house when I was 19 in 2013 and into my boyfriend's house who was 18 at the time. We're married now, and he has been so patient. I'm more than likely undiagnosed auDHD, with my dad showing symptoms of ADHD and my brother being diagnosed with it when he was very young. I'm constantly to this day working through trauma and reminding myself that not everyone is lying to me all the time, and that there are actual people in this world that I've made friends with because they LIKE me, not because they want something from me or they're just trying to get close to me for malicious reasons.
Edit to add: When I moved out, my dad tried to convince my mom not to have anything to do with me anymore, acting like I was better than him or leaving the family behind. This is because he liked to keep his family at home behind closed doors, out of reach from the outside world, so we always lived in the boonies, away from town, and I was hardly allowed to see my friends unless I was going to school (which was unavoidable considering it was a law and we couldn't afford homeschooling) and is also why my mom was never "allowed" to work. My mom didn't tell me the things he said about me moving out until years later because she didn't want me to feel bad.
Today in 2026, my husband and I are having to basically take care of my parents, and Idk how to feel about it. My dad stopped working two and a half years ago, said he was done with working, he had been a "roofer" all his life, fixing roofs and doing carpenter work for years until his body decided it wanted to give out. Instead of doing the sensible thing and getting disability rolling at about 55 years old, he decided to just quit and do the occasional odd job to pay what little bills they had, and they were barely eating. Now, my dad has had two mild strokes, and he's laying the symptoms on THICK, further solidifying the fact that he can't work. He'll put his need for phone cards and cigarettes and mountain dew over his need for food for his wife and son who still lives with him. No one in the house is working, and all three of them are probably disabled. My sister lives with me and my husband, who is also more than likely disabled. Honestly, more for mental reasons than anything. The "I can't work, and I can't drive" bug runs rampant in this family. I admit, I struggle with those things myself, being unable to drive because it's absolutely terrifying to me, I've tried to drive and I just can't. BUT I can work. I mask daily to get through, and I even come off as really hateful toward others due to constant overwhelm and discomfort being around people, but I do it so that my husband and I can live comfortably. Now, however, we're stuck paying their groceries, their lights/water, and we just paid their overdue property tax. We have to drive them around when they need a ride to their appointments. My grandma does what she can to help them, but she's on a fixed monthly income as well.
I'm so paranoid even posting this story that I may just take it down later. But I'd like advice from outside sources. My husband and I don't want to leave my family to drown, especially when my mom is trying so hard to get their disability paperwork going through the local free clinic. She's trying, but my dad and brother and even my sister are not. My dad's 57, my mom's 50, my brother's 26, and my sister's 21. I'm 32 and my husband is 31. I want to regain my life from these shackles, but what kind of person would I be if we let them lose everything? My mom's constantly apologizing and crying for how much she has to depend on me, but it feels like it's either this or make them all move in with us, and that just can't happen. We're at our wit's end, especially because of how my dad acts, and after all these years, I don't feel like I owe him a damn thing but I love and respect my mother more than that.
How would you feel if you were in this situation, and how would you handle it? Am I doing the right thing?
