u/YawpMan

I dont want her anymore..and I’ve went No Contact permanently but my sense of identity and self is shattered.

It was both emotional and sexual .

I was trapped in an intermittent reinforcement cycle with her - like the slot machine stuff - and yeah i know i made mistakes being involved but im finally out.

I thought i was in love when to her i was not even a real person. Just a service.

She’s married now and all this happened just prior to it.

My whole sense of identity and self is shaken up. I feel worthless and my nervous system is still withdrawing from her. I feel empty sometimes.

Honestly, i feel pathetic saying this but my sense of worth and who I am is completely messed up .

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How does a guy recover sense of worth after being used an emotional tampon/ "kandha" by a woman?

I dont want her anymore..and I’ve went NC permanently but my sense of identity and self is shattered.

It was both emotional and sexual .

I was trapped in an intermittent reinforcement cycle with her - like the slot machine stuff - and yeah i know i made mistakes being involved but im finally out. I thought i was in love when to her i was not even a real person. She’s married now and all this happened just prior to it.

My whole sense of identity and self is shaken up. I feel worthless and my nervous system is still withdrawing from her. I feel empty sometimes.

Honestly, i feel pathetic saying this but my sense of worth and who I am is completely messed up .

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How does a guy recover sense of worth after being used an emotional tampon by a woman?

I thought i was the only one who did this - saw my avoidant exes trauma , roots of it , tried to help them, accommodate them and their attachement style and love them enough to heal

Since coming here I’ve learned a bit differently. Many here feel the same way.

Being “The only one who understands them/ really sees them” is a very heavy load to bear and a big trap to fall into for any person.

Firstly, any qualified and intelligent trauma informed therapist CAN see them and understand them - if they sought help. It needs maybe a touch more intelligence and trauma knowledge than the run of the mill therapist but yeah a good one really can.

Hence you are NOT the only one who can see / understand them…. it never was your job to do that .. in the first place - it was their job to bring their authentic self to the table.

Secondly, if you think you’re the only one who sees them truly understands them its a big trap - Why? Because it then binds you to them so much harder

You end up taking responsibility for their well being . That is a very bad place to end up in. A holy crusade that shouldnt exist in the first place that you might end up tying your identity to.

If you’re anxious, this means you prioritising their needs above your own to a whole new level. You will almost surely end up overfunctioning and overextending.

Thirdly, this makes you fall in love with a version of them that exists potentially. You maybe see the hurt person inside trying to run behind the walls theyve built up. The person without the walls? Without those defense mechanisms that cause YOU pain - it doesn’t exist in the PRESENT. And there is nothing short of serious effort to heal from their end that it will ever exist in REAL.

Fourth - and the worst of them all? Empathy sabotaging. Since you know them and “are the only one who truly understands/sees them” - every hurt and pain and deactivation cycle - you try to excuse because you keep trying to see what caused it - and how you contributed to it . You’re so focused on WHY they did what they did, you FORGET WHAT they did - cause you pain you didn’t deserve.

So, let go of this illusion - that you’re the only one who truly understands them, that you’re the only who truly sees them and gets them.

Many can do what you did - except they dont - because even if you remove the bad apples - the good ones know - it is not their job to do this. It is the avoidants job to bring their true self .

Your love and you cannot heal them. It never was meant to. You were never meant to heal them.

It was always their job.

So resign - quit - fire yourself from a horrible thankless job the equivalent of cleaning a clogged up toilet for free everyday - don’t be the person who truly sees them and gets them.

Your empathy is a gift.

Use it for yourself and the deserving , not for those who use it to hurt you regardless of intention

Just been thinking.

I think I’m mostly out and Im starting to see so many red flags and things i ignored and accepted because i had fallen in love with them (one sided i guess now that i see it)

Now that im moving on - i dont want to demonize them or exaggerate them - just the truth. Not overcompensating either way

I can see so many behaviours i wouldnt have tolerated and ran for the hills if I wasn’t so attached. I feel a mix of sadness for their trauma and a sense of revulsion for how they treated me.

Im settling for “I wish them well but I don’t want anything to do with them for my own sake”

Did anyone else go from “they were my THE ONE” to “maybe i dodged a bullet” eventually for their avoidant ex?

I've processed a lot in the last week and nothing shattered me like this did in my life till now.

I've burned ai servers, spoke to friends and families and strangers and therapist.

Pondered and tore through attachement theory videos , analyzed her trauma , analyzed her new relationship, analyzed phantom ex bs..

And now i realize - i was just used. And you know what - given the rosy glasses are coming off and i can see the flags without the rose tint - many were red af - maybe that was good thing..that i was rejected.

But yeah, what is really getting to me now?

Its all - the rumination, the attachement theory, the talking , the future thinking, the trauma understanding ...all are long ways that in the end lead to the same destination - I wasn't picked.

And that's okay. Maybe it was for the best.

I think i'm finally beginning to move on. I'm starting to feel indifferent. And i feel lighter.

And more like myself.

I know the usual reasons mentioned - feeling of engulfment, feeling of being truly seen. I had this other thought i felt i should share maybe.

I am anxious but i am used to performing for love.

I remember an ex with whom it didn't work out - but she had offered me and taught me true emotional - no walls intimacy and i wanted to hug her all the time as a psychosomatic response because of how safe i felt with her and how emotionally seen and held i felt.

It didn't work out for other reasons - and I was used by an avoidant for offering the very things that she had taught me.

I did a mental simulation in my mind and I realized this ->

If someone offers you the perfect deep intimate love - where you are adored, held and seen - where you can just be yourself and feel valued ? You will like it - love it initially - but then you will find it boring and unsatisfactory.

Why? If someone's love allows you to just be - and you don't like being who you are - you will run back to performing for love - because that feels better . The feeling of endlessly trying to become good enough for a love always just out of reach is better than receiving full love and sitting with yourself feeling not enough still.

I think that's why so many avoidants also run even after experiencing genuine love and care. They're addicted to performing and usually have deep toxic shame that makes them feel broken or defective. So being allowed to be themselves and loved for it feels like someone speaking Sumerian to them - so they run back to the performance drug their nervous system is used to.

Its like from childhood they are 24x7 addicted to running on the performance tread mill so much with a carrot hanging just out of reach and given rarely to them - that being sat down and fed good healthy home cooked meals feels like there's something wrong with it - so they hop back on the treadmill.

Intermittent reinforcement plays a huge part in this - part its also their inability to accept themselves without any need to perform. They don't like who they are when they are not trying to perform or earn love.

Its why you need to do the identity and nervous system level work to heal and become secure.

You must also be ready to receive healthy full intimate love by feeling enough in yourself and not needing to perform for love.

I remember a Heid Priebe video quote "You can only meet others as deeply as you've met yourself"

Going through the sub - i have seen so many people doing what i was doing.

Thinking if i would just love them hard enough, explain well enough, understood them well enough , was there enough for them ....i could help them with their trauma and their ability to love and the person that was underneath all that trauma avoidant responses and defense mechanisms.

Help them with their life. Their problems..and perhaps they will choose me. Ending up often overfunctioning and overextending...and then discarded.

Is this a common trap people fall into? Trying to "help" the avoidant ?

P.S. I think there are elements of things wrong at our end that we do this - but i want to focus on the main question if this is a common trap people fall for.