No scales yet, as i am currently saving my money for a weekly-rotation of Lolita coords. So far i’ve only managed to buy 2, so hopefully come end of this year I’ll finally be able to start saving up for my first scale! I have my eyes on the rerelease of Chiaki Nanamis 1/8th scale figure :)
Hey everyone, I’ve been struggling with anorexia since i was 17, and I’ve just turned 20 a little over a week ago. After collapsing in the middle of a mall due to malnutrition right before starting university i realised i can‘t keep going like this if i want to live an actual life. I recovered completely on my own and do sometimes have thoughts and urges, but its very easy for me to brush them off. It’s been 9 months since I’ve officially started recovery and am doing great. I just wanted to share some random thoughts ive recently had since noticing how far ive come, in no particular order:
i have an actual personality now: So thinking back on my time i had an ED, i swear i had no personality. I didn’t do anything except watch food videos, think about what to cook, walk to the grocery store and stroll through it for hours, listen to food-podcasts, etc. I cannot believe this was all i did. Nowadays i draw again, i read books, i watch shows, collect figures and merch from the things that i like, i play games, etc, etc. I do so many things and have so many interests that im passionate about that are not related to food and it is so so so much better.
I actually hate cooking: During my ED my only hobby was cooking. I constantly looked at recipes, tried out new things and again, bought groceries for hours. Nowadays that im not so occupied with food, cooking and getting the groceries is such an annoying thing to do, i really dont like it. I wish i could just eat instant noodles and frozen pizza every day, but unfortunately i do not want to die of a heart attack at 30, especially because it runs pretty heavily in my family. But god, cooking is awful.
Walks can be nice actually: I used to force myself to walk at least 10k steps a day, so walking was, to me, a chore. I did not want to do it, but tried to convince myself im doing it because i like it, not because i wanted to burn calories. Ever since i started to work out again in recovery (as i mentioned, heart and lung issues run in my family and as a physics student, i do pretty much nothing but sit on my ass for hours upon hours a day, i decided to pick up some cardio like jogging and going on walks) i noticed that now that its not about the calories and i dont force myself to do it every day, I actually really enjoyed doing it. It calms me down a lot when i struggle with my OCD.
There are still some „lower-calorie“ foods i prefer: I guess one good thing about my ED is that i did find some „low-calorie“ foods/drinks that i actually do really enjoy. For example i much prefer zero-sugar drinks, because they’re not sticky and dont make my heart race after i drink it, i prefer baked crisps and lentil crisps, because they have a nicer texture and are usually much more flavourful (though that does depend on the brand), i prefer low-fat milk over high-fat milk, they do taste different i swear, and last but not least, there’s this „low-cal“ mayonnaise that honestly tasted extremely good, because it has a hint of lemon and that goes really well with fish. Since i grew up very close to the Baltic and North Sea, i looooove fish.
On the other hand, there are foods i ate that ill never touch again: Protein-anything, i have no idea how i managed to convince myself i like them, they are so vile i will never ever eat a proteinbar or protein-yoghurt ever again. Zero-sugar jam is also my worst enemy nowadays, it tastes so off… Rice-cakes aren’t as bad, i do like them dipped into some NORMAL sweet yoghurt, but i used to eat those with zero sugar jam so often for lunch and god have i grown tired of them. Oh and technically this doesnt fit here, but i never ate cornflakes, because they were too high calorie and ive recently rediscovered that cornflakes are actually so good. Same with cake, i love poppy seed cake especially.
When someone invites me somewhere, i accept without hesitation: The first thing i used to think of when someone invited me to go somewhere, was „are we going to go eat?“, „What will we go eat“, „What’s the lowest calorie takeout i could eat“, etc. Most of the time these thoughts just made me say no. It makes me sad to think about now, because since i moved into a new city for uni, that’s 6 hours away with the train from home, i missed my chance to spend time with all of my friends that now i only get to see 2 times a year, at most. I struggle a lot making friends, so now after a whole semester of uni ive not made any friends, but when my boyfriend invites me somewhere, i dont think about food at all, which brings me to the next point.
I dont think about food much: i used to plan daaaays ahead, like i scheduled my whole weeks meals. Nowadays i wake up and think: „uuuh, right so what should i eat for breakfast?“ and grab whatever’s available. I really dont think much on it. Especially now that im at uni, i go to the bakery in the morning and just grab whatever sounds appealing and when im home i cook whatever is quickest at that moment. It’s so nice, because i can study, do my hobbies or do something else for hours without the constant food-noise.
Takeout is expensive: Sometimes im too lazy to cook or wanna spend a nice evening with my boyfriend, so we order food or go out to a restaurant together. But man, why is food so expensive. If i could afford it, id do it much more often, but alas…
I dont feel weak and tired: Well, tired is probably a lie, since i do get many a sleepless night due to university, but moving around and doing things doesn’t take nearly as much of a big chunk of energy out of me as it used to. Makes me a lot more productive!
I am unaffected by the current rise of skinniness: You probably noticed that heroin-chic is coming back. It’s everywhere and people are starting to develop EDs over it. You cant really go on the internet without being body shamed. Hell, even women like me that are still on the lower end of a healthy weight are being shamed for being too fat. At this point even actually underweight people are. It sickens me and whenever i see any of this happening or look at another celebrity or woman irl that has gotten sickly thin, i do not feel envious anymore. I just feel concerned and wish for them to get out of it. There isn’t a single thing in me that wants to go back to that body i used to have, that did fit that beauty-standart.
I am much more politically outspoken: Continuing on with my last point, i feel as though I’ve become much more aware of how the beauty industry exploits women and have started learning more and more about the patriarchy, feminism, queer-rights, Faschism, and many many many more very important topics. I think this is a very important development for me, as i now try my best to actively do things to fight for progress, instead of being too tired and intellectually fatigued due to malnutrition to just sit back and let it happen. I mean, in the end that exactly what they want, isn’t it?
I’m happier: I think that’s a good point to end it off, I genuinely just feel happier. I have an actual life again, i feel passionate about things, do things, experience things and feel joy. I can sit down and enjoy a piece of cake i baked, go outside and eat an ice cream, spend hours drawing or reading, immersing myself in something completely separate from food and most noticeably, i am not hungry all the time. I hate feeling hungry. And now that my sense of hunger has actually recovered after going through pretty bad extreme hunger (i promise it passes), i feel so much more comfortable, just generally. Feeling hungry all the time isn’t very nice..
I hope that maybe this list of random thoughts could inspire someone to start or keep going with recovery, because goodness i could never imagine going back. Never.
I am SOOO happy with this dress :3
I bought this brand before ans the tofu certainly did not look like this. It smells fine, but since it came with 2 block so tried frying one in a pan and it had no taste and this super weird rubbery texture. Now I'm kind of concerned I've eaten something harmful..
Hey everyone,
Starting off I want to say I do have an appointment at a psychologist for suspected OCD, but it's still 2 months away, and in the meantime I've been thinking a lot about myself.
All my life I've struggled to make friends and especially now that I'm an adult (I turned 20 today, yay..) it's become even harder. That got me thinking and I've come to a realisation. I can categorise my life into sections of what specific fictional character I was obsessed with during that time, because every time I become obsessed with a character, I will unintentionally start acting like them. This has genuinely been the case all my life. I don't even know who I am, I feel as though I am merely a mirror of that character. I can't stop thinking about them, talk about them and act like them. I feel really broken and don't really know what to make of it. My intense daydreaming about said character is also starting to get in the way of my studies. It's becoming an actual problem.
I know I can bring it up at my appointment soon, but I'd love to already hear some thoughts on what it could be and how I could try to stray away from this behaviour. I want to be my own person so people will actually enjoy talking to me and i am able to hold a conversation about things that I'm not currently weirdly obsessed with. Especially because, as I said, it's interfering with my studies.
Thank you all for reading, have a nice day/night.