Helping Friend (21,F) Escape an Abusive House (Essex, UK) - Please Help [TW: depictions of abuse]
Hey there,
I'm a bit new to Reddit so please bear with me. A friend of mine is currently in a really bad situation and I'm doing what I can on my end to get her out. However, we are worried about her parents possibly pulling legal bullshit to try and track her down after she gets out, as well as trying to accrue evidence while in the house for police.
Unfortunately, I am based in the US and just don't have enough information and knowledge about UK laws, procedures, and policies, to be able to help her in the way that I would like. I've been given permission to share about her situation and the extent of things that are happening to get better advice legally about what she should do and where she should go. If anyone has any personal stories or encouragement to share-- please, just anything would be extremely appreciated.
I've made a similar post in LegalAdviceUK, but the only response I've gotten so far has been someone telling me they don't believe my story and think I'm getting punked. Others don't understand how years of abuse and manipulation can skew the mind. And others, are bashing me for sitting on the sideline and not calling the authorities after hearing all of this, not realizing that if I do this wrong, it could hurt her worse.
So. Yeah. Very helpful. /sarc
Questions
Our main questions are:
- What all is happening in the home that would be considered illegal?
- What are things she can call the cops over and what should she try to get as evidence or record to turn over to them?
- How should she go about doing this/Is there a way in which she gathers evidence that could get it thrown out in court or seen as inadmissible?
- If she gets into a situation where her parents try to force or trap her within the home through leverage, coercion, or intimidation, can she call the cops?
- If the cops are called, is there anything she should specifically say or tell them to get them to help her and her underage siblings get out?
- What would happen to her and her siblings if the cops are called?
- She has an animal that she would like to take with her, however it is micro chipped in her parents names. If she tries to transfer ownership it will tip them off to her plan to leave. Is there anyway to transfer the name on the microchip to her without alerting them? Is there any way to prove her ownership over the animal, if they try to say that she abducted it?
- Are there any encouraging words you might have for her to help her through this?
Info About Her
My friend is a young adult in her early 20's and lives in a house with an abusive parents (bio mom & step-dad), an animal, and two underage step-siblings that also live in the home. Her bio dad was also abusive and he is not in the picture. She has mental health issues stemming from a childhood full of abuse, as well as a few chronic illnesses (auto-immune disorders) due to it that severely impact her ability to live. She has a driver's license and is finishing up course work. She'll be all done in early May.
Help
Thank you so much if you've read this far. Like I said, we desperately need help about how to best navigate this. If I'm in the wrong thread or if there are other threads I should post this on, please let me know. If there are any resources you can think of that would be helpful, we'd really appreciate it as well. I'm acting as her liaison since her mother has full access to all of her communication. We're taking everything and anything in terms of help right now. We've done a shit ton of research on our own, but it's just us two and two other friends, so we decided to get a community's help with this. Even if anyone has reassuring words or something to help encourage her, I'd really appreciate it. She's struggling to feel like she has a valid place in a DV shelter and that there are others that are more deserving of a spot.
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Background Info of Abuse
TW/CW: This entire section talks about neglect, medical neglect, gaslighting, coercive control as well as, physical, financial, psychological, emotional, verbal abuse, etc. Read with caution. Some are vague descriptions-- others are a bit more detailed.
Apologies in advance for how long this is, but I feel like it's better to give as much detail as I can to her daily experience and for clarity about the abuse. Some details may be purposefully vague for her safety.
- About Step-Dad: Her step-dad moved her family out to the middle of nowhere when she was very young and since then, his behavior has been horrendous. He's physically fit and trained in combat making him dangerous. He's a pot user and a smoker, both of which add a layer of unpredictability and volatility, especially when he's in withdrawal. She is terrified of being home alone with him and can't even go to sleep if no one else but him is in the home.
- Physical: She's spoken about physical abuse where he's thrown dishware and a dishwasher at her and the others, slams doors, stomps throughout the house, and uses his physical presence as an intimidation factor. In terms of the pets they have in the home, he has gotten physically violent with them as well, hitting them. If she tries to sleep in past 8 am, due to the fatigue which is a side effect of her chronic illnesses, he will come into her room, slam the door open, and yell profanities at her until she gets up. He used to rip her blankets off of her and force her out.
- Verbal & Emotional: At every corner he insults and belittles her-- making fun of her hobbies, calling her slurs, and shaming her weight (both skinny and plus-sized) and eating habits. He verbally and emotionally abuses by constantly demeaning her intellect and her interests (calling them childish and silly), and insulting every aspect of her on a daily basis. He yells at her to "act fucking grown" and "stop being so fucking sloppy." If she tries to ask questions about being an adult and real life things, he'll look at her as if she's stupid and say as such, "stop asking silly questions-- you're smarter than that."
- Sexual: He's known for constantly commenting on her body and making lewd jokes about it a lot. Even as a child, her parents would talk to her about sexually explicit content, making crass jokes and skewing things she wrote as sexual too. Their room was right next to her room and she heard them every single time. Her step-dad would make it a point to ask and joke about it in the morning, almost finding pleasure in the fact that she could hear it. They still do that even with the younger ones in the house now. We don't have proof of this, but her undergarments have also been going missing at a steady rate. It's at the point where she is buying a new set every month or so.
- Financial: There's some sort of shady shit going on. Every few months he'll hand her a wad of pounds and tell her to send him money digitally in exchange. If she doesn't? He intimidates her into doing so and drags the mother into the conversation. Also has forced/coerced her into selling her Pokemon collection of which she never saw a single cent of.
- About Bio Mom: Her mother is almost as bad with how much she enables and encourages the step-dad's behavior. If Mother Gothel had a more evil twin, it would be this woman. She uses my friend as a scapegoat so the target of abuse won't be on her. The worst part about the mom is that she is extremely controlling. The word doesn't even do it justice for how entangled she has made herself in every aspect. Trying to help her plan an exit strategy around this mother has been next level spy shit, I swear.
- Physical: Her mother has never participated in as much of the physical abuse, she also has never stopped it and has even made excuses for it. The big aspect that her mother does participate in is forcing her to do strenuous activity while she is physically unwell all for the sake of "not being sloppy" and "you're grown-- act like it."
- Verbal & Emotional: Her mother verbally and emotionally abuses her as well. I've taken note of a cycle that happens where they will rag on her, she'll try to stand up for herself, they will beat her down verbally and emotionally with guilt tripping and insults, force her to apologize to the point of humiliation and then love bomb her and pretend like it didn't happen. If her mom is the only one in the picture, the same routine happens like clockwork. Mom will blow up. She'll leave. She'll come back and emotionally dump and vent to my friend about why she acted that way because "work is just so stressful and its so hard to handle you when you act like this." and then my friend will dissociate and she'll say "dont you dare fucking look at me like that. its not like we abuse you. stop that." and then she'll force my friend in to a humiliation shame spiral of forcing her to apologize over and over again until she is satisfied. She'll end it by saying things like "I'm sorry but it's just so hard to handle you when you're acting so sloppy. We love you and that means tough love."
- Sexual: Her mother has forced her to flash herself to family members to show off "the new bra she just got." All throughout her childhood and into adulthood, her mother walks around the house naked at times and will change with her door fully open. The family constantly walk in on her changing and in various states of undress and she welcomes it.
- Financial: Her mother has full access to her bank account and all of her card details. I'm talking user name, passwords, every transfer and pound spent. And she tracks it meticulously. She knows how much she gets paid from her part-time job and if the money isn't in the bank account, she needles her about where it went. If my friend tries to order mail to the house, the parents have to and will go through it first. Her mother will buy things using my friend's card "for her" when she doesn't even want them or coerce my friend into buying things (Ex forcing her to redecorate her room with meaningless items or saying "Oh you'll like this." Buying clothes "for her" that my friend won't like so the mom can take them instead) Her mother makes her buy things to keep the step-dad placated and makes sure he has a steady flow of cigs and pot.
- Coercive Control: Her mother is extremely controlling and paranoid. She tracks everything and is constantly suspicious of my friend's actions. She has tried to demand that my friend download Life360 to track her movements. If my friend leaves the house for more than 30 minutes and does not send a picture of where she is or tell her where she is going, her mother will throw a fit. Even when she does send pictures, she is constantly interrogated when she comes home for hours until she concedes in some way. If her mother gets it in her head that she's "seeing" someone, needles her for hours until she "fesses" up or calls her awful names when she doesn't. If there is a disagreement in the home, he immediately gets involved-- yelling at her and laying out threats of violence. She is the dog whistle and he is the dog.
- About the Daily Situation:
- She is treated like a maid and a mini-mom:
- She does all the driving for her siblings. She buys the groceries and constantly covers things monetarily out of her own pay check to the point she can't build up any savings. She's in charge of taking out her siblings for fun things and lunch. She is expected to clean the entire house everyday and has a time limit in which she must clean rooms. If they aren't done in time, she gets screamed at and demeaned. Even when the parents are on holiday from work, they will lounge while she works tirelessly on cleaning the whole place. On top of that, she is fully in charge of cooking all of the meals and is not allowed to bring a chair into the kitchen to help her with her disability.
- If she tries to stand up for herself in any capacity, they start out by snapping at her, calling her "rude" and saying how dare she talk back to them. If she keeps going and holds her ground, they threaten her cat and threaten her with "back in my day, I would've already beaten you by now."
- They have forced her to sell things like her card collection as well as comfort things from her childhood calling them silly and childish. Each time she sees none of the money from it. She's worried about leaving and coming back to all of her stuff being sold or thrown away.
- They won't even let her have a lock on her door. She lives in an old farmhouse type where the door wont shut all the way and even someone walking past it makes it open. She has no privacy to the point she always wears undershirts and leggings while she's changing in case someone walks in.
- She has no time to herself whatsoever. If she has to go to the bathroom at night, they'll yell at her for making so much damn noise. If she takes a break, even just 15 minutes, her parents will "sit her down for a chat" and then drill into her for 30 minutes to and hour about how lazy and sloppy she is. They won't even let her bring a chair into the kitchen so she can rest while she cooks, cleans, or bakes.
- Neither of her parents have taught her anything about the world or how it works, and anytime she tries to learn they discourage it or call her naive, fully trying to make her only reliant on them and their perspective.
- Medical Neglect: They don't "believe" she is as sick as she is (even with two official diagnoses) and forces her to work around the home with deep cleaning, cooking, baking, etc. There has been no discussion about this being in place of rent or anything. She has just been expected to do all of this. In fact, they are now having talks about her paying rent on top of everything. She spends a lot of her days constantly fainting or crashing from her illnesses and lack of care. Her physical disability is treated as a joke, something to shout at her about for "being sloppy," or as a way to make themselves look good and get praised for taking care of her when she was bed bound for a period of time.
- She is treated like a maid and a mini-mom: