u/Unlikely-Raisin-6215

I get that Nikki going deadpan and crying while Bear is essentially taking advantage of her and forcibly banging her was to show that she does not consent to the sex. But what confuses me is that does that mean that the real Nikki broke through just enough to do that facial expression and cry? Or perhaps sex is just such an intense act that the evil Nikki and real Nikki blend together more and so real Nikki comes through a bit and evil Nikki can't control it as much.

Because I'm assuming that evil Nikki isn't opposed to sex, I mean she tries to draw him in the first night, implying that the evil Nikki that took over likely tries to use sex to keep him anyway. But does that mean the evil Nikki cannot feel enjoyment either or any pleasure and so she just takes it?

I know like it's an analogy here of like, yes, just like Nikki is fake and the love is fake, so her moaning like he's really good is fake. But I don't understand the mechanics of Nikki, why she would make that face and cry unless the real Nikki was showing up a little?

And my second question is: What on earth did she say when she walked backwards in that weird rewind movement into the dining room?

I talked about this elsewhere but I really want more insight on it:

I don't want to drone on with a long story that takes up too much time so I can answer questions if they come. But anyway, my parents and siblings have all consistently neglected, ignored, or bullied me emotionally and verbally and physically growing up. I've been dragged and beat up and grabbed by my throat by my dad and thrown and tossed like a doll as a kid. I've had my mom scream at me and manipulate me and tell me that my siblings are allowed to hit me but I cannot hit them or defend myself when I was a kid. My siblings both attacked me physically and spit on me and cussed me out and flipped me off randomly growing up.

Then they all said I'm mentally deranged and disabled and my dad lied to me as a teenager and they tricked me and forced me into a mental asylum against my will.

These are literally the most minor examples of how they have been toward me all growing up. It's barely even scratching it. I could write a literal 2-part biography.

Any time I was going to tell someone as a kid I made the foolish mistake of telling them I was going to tell somebody and my mom would threaten me and say they won't believe me and all that stuff. You've heard it all before I'm sure.

My mom once ranted at me and told me she wants to beat me until I'm dead and kept hitting me.

Another time she started doing these mock prayers and yelling "What did I ever do, oh Lord, to deserve a child like mine?! I know I've been bad but I've never done anything that awful!"

Anyway, I'm almost 30 now and I got out of that house asap when I was barely 19. Before that I realized that they would only blow up if they interacted with me so I would lock myself in my room for days and they'd ignore me when I was a teenager.

Now as soon as I moved out my sister started telling my mom that I raped her when I was like 8 or something. I was told that "it was 5 incidents across 5 years, once per year," and my sister wouldn't elaborate or say anything else but said I did something rapey. Look, if you don't believe me then don't, but I will tell you right now that not only did she lie and not only have I never done anything remotely like that with her, but the very thought of incest is so disgusting to me it makes me nauseous. And I've never even, I don't know I just can't even think about that. It makes me wanna vomit. Now I don't know if my sister was abused by somebody else and wanted to ostracize me too so she lied about me or what, idk.

All I know is she said that and then my parents, true to form, think that a rapist child is easier to tolerate and accept than "our daughter just lied but something else must be wrong," so they believed her. But not only did they believe her but they started literally putting words in my mouth and saying that I said things I never said and did things I never did. And I'm not talking like things as a kid, I'm talking like "oh just yesterday you said this" and I said no I didn't and they're just snugly nod and say I did.

So now I'm married. In fact when my sister did that nonsense I was dating my now-wife and I went ahead and told her because I didn't want even a false accusation about me like that to be sprung on her after we're married. I wanted her to hear that my sister said that and then decide if she believes me or her and then decide if she wants to still be with me. But she did side with me thankfully. My wife is awesome. She's everything my family is not.

Now we have kids and any time my parents see them it's minimal and they nitpick them to oblivion like they did me.

Now my parents will ignore us for months on end but make endless posts about my siblings and boast about my siblings lives and accomplishments, while downplaying mine.

They constantly mention how I've failed in life and say that my siblings are richer than me and this and that and on and on. They live near my siblings and intentionally moved far away from us.

And I haven't spoken to my siblings in like 10 years because my parents told me I am not to speak to them and my siblings said screw you to me and blocked me on the phone forever ago. I don't know if they blocked me anywhere else, but they're adults, I can't badger them in venues like a middle school kid in hopes that they'll finally talk to me.

My parents ignore us still for up to a full year and then try to visit us. Any time they visit us they say they'll visit for a week and then shorten it to like 2 days, and during the day they're on their laptops "working" for hours on end, and then during the afternoons they're being critical and rude, and then they turn in early and hang out in another room alone. And they constantly gossip and made snide comments about me to my wife's family members whenever I'm in the other room, but I can clearly hear them.

I once talked to my dad about how bad this is and he told me that it's my fault and that I needed to not ruin his family. I'm like dude, I got my own family. You fix your family, I can't fix you for you.

I asked why my dad doesn't believe me and believes my sister about the nonsense and he went off about how he doesn't pick sides and yelled at me. Yeah, sure.

And they say that we can never, ever come visit them or talk on the phone when they're around my siblings because that might "upset them" so anytime we hang out is on their terms and whenever and wherever they say and they have total control of it because if we ever visit them where we want to or when we want to or even call them then they say my siblings could see and tell me to get lost.

And the thing is they act like all the stuff in my childhood didn't happen. They act happy and chill like nothing's wrong and nothing's ever been wrong. They never apologized and never changed and they pester my kids now and accuse them of stuff randomly like "oh there goes your daughter being a little bratty demanding control freak. She's just like you! I wonder where that came from? Hmm?"

I don't know if I've been difficult to them growing up or not but I don't think even if I was that it warrants anything they've done or said.

It sucks because I watch all my friends who are married with kids have loving parents who support them and help them and are there for them, and if I ask for one ounce of support from mine they tell me I need to grow up and be an adult and make more money like them.

Money is interesting too because they love it. All growing up whenever I told them that I don't feel loved by them they would said they spend money on me and to shut up and ask who I think I am. They buy food and what not after all. But I guess the thing to me is that that logic is so weird. Like if spending money on someone is the only way to express love then that means you have to spend money on everyone for your whole life nonstop.

And all the other stuff and mistreatment and abuse is okay because money is spent on me?

I guess some have asked me why I still talk to my parents at all and I don't know, I guess some part of me wants to hold on to what remaining pieces I have left and part of me still kinda wants them to validate me and tell me they're proud of me or love me.

I mean I realized I constantly tie my heart to older married couples and I guess I'm still craving a parent so I do it without realizing, and I always have since school when I think back.

I guess I say all that to get it off my chest and to ask what anyone thinks I should do. I know it's reddit, I get it. But I just wanna spitball thoughts. Am I crazy? Am I really the reason all this bad stuff has happened and I've been abused like that and lied about by my sister? Like I didn't do anything to her, but my parents told me I just kinda carry myself in a way that makes it seem like I'm guilty, like how my wife and like each other so much means that my wife is stupid and I'm manipulative to her and that I'm raping my wife too or whatever because I don't freaking know, because liking your spouse is really weird to them I guess.

I guess it's weird to ask if I'm the reason or at fault for false accusations from my sister but I guess I also got it in my head for a long time that if I said something in retaliation to their abuse like "shut up" years ago (which they do hold onto. They literally will bring up things I did as a toddler still and tell me how awful I am and tell it to my wife) then I get in my head that that was awful of me to say that and that I deserve to be falsely accused.

I find myself worried constantly that my friends will leave me or that my wife will turn on me or that my kids will grow up and hate me. I don't know why or how, just reasons I guess.

I've had nightmares about my parents and siblings since I was 3 is my earliest memory. And to this day my wife was talking me up to my mom recently and saying how proud she is of me and my mom kept discounting what my wife was saying and trying to compete and say "well I've accomplished more" and my wife basically just went "yeah, well he doesn't need your help and he accomplished what he did on his own and he did something you've never done before." And my mom finally stopped, according to my wife.

I don't know, I wanna ask if I'm really a failure but you guys don't know me.

And then what do I do? Do I need to be done with them? I hate how popular it is to ghost parents when you grow up today so I've tried to avoid it so I'm not that person, but honestly it's starting to eat away at me the more I stay in touch with them even though we talk like once a year or whatever. That little makes me more tormented than not at all. I mean if they find out I'm on vacation I get a whole lecture.

I just don't know what to do. They won't change or be held accountable and I can't confront them or talk to them about it because they'll lie and deny everything. And I don't know how to process my whole life at this point and wondering if it's all my fault.

I'm rambling, sorry, I don't get to talk about this often.

I don't want to drone on with a long story that takes up too much time so I can answer questions if they come. But anyway, my parents and siblings have all consistently neglected, ignored, or bullied me emotionally and verbally and physically growing up. I've been dragged and beat up and grabbed by my throat by my dad and thrown and tossed like a doll as a kid. I've had my mom scream at me and manipulate me and tell me that my siblings are allowed to hit me but I cannot hit them or defend myself when I was a kid. My siblings both attacked me physically and spit on me and cussed me out and flipped me off randomly growing up.

Then they all said I'm mentally deranged and disabled and my dad lied to me as a teenager and they tricked me and forced me into a mental asylum against my will.

These are literally the most minor examples of how they have been toward me all growing up. It's barely even scratching it. I could write a literal 2-part biography.

Any time I was going to tell someone as a kid I made the foolish mistake of telling them I was going to tell somebody and my mom would threaten me and say they won't believe me and all that stuff. You've heard it all before I'm sure.

My mom once ranted at me and told me she wants to beat me until I'm dead and kept hitting me.

Another time she started doing these mock prayers and yelling "What did I ever do, oh Lord, to deserve a child like mine?! I know I've been bad but I've never done anything that awful!"

Anyway, I'm almost 30 now and I got out of that house asap when I was barely 19. Before that I realized that they would only blow up if they interacted with me so I would lock myself in my room for days and they'd ignore me when I was a teenager.

Now as soon as I moved out my sister started telling my mom that I raped her when I was like 8 or something. I was told that "it was 5 incidents across 5 years, once per year," and my sister wouldn't elaborate or say anything else but said I did something rapey. Look, if you don't believe me then don't, but I will tell you right now that not only did she lie and not only have I never done anything remotely like that with her, but the very thought of incest is so disgusting to me it makes me nauseous. And I've never even, I don't know I just can't even think about that. It makes me wanna vomit. Now I don't know if my sister was abused by somebody else and wanted to ostracize me too so she lied about me or what, idk.

All I know is she said that and then my parents, true to form, think that a rapist child is easier to tolerate and accept than "our daughter just lied but something else must be wrong," so they believed her. But not only did they believe her but they started literally putting words in my mouth and saying that I said things I never said and did things I never did. And I'm not talking like things as a kid, I'm talking like "oh just yesterday you said this" and I said no I didn't and they're just snugly nod and say I did.

So now I'm married. In fact when my sister did that nonsense I was dating my now-wife and I went ahead and told her because I didn't want even a false accusation about me like that to be sprung on her after we're married. I wanted her to hear that my sister said that and then decide if she believes me or her and then decide if she wants to still be with me. But she did side with me thankfully. My wife is awesome. She's everything my family is not.

Now we have kids and any time my parents see them it's minimal and they nitpick them to oblivion like they did me.

Now my parents will ignore us for months on end but make endless posts about my siblings and boast about my siblings lives and accomplishments, while downplaying mine.

They constantly mention how I've failed in life and say that my siblings are richer than me and this and that and on and on. They live near my siblings and intentionally moved far away from us.

And I haven't spoken to my siblings in like 10 years because my parents told me I am not to speak to them and my siblings said screw you to me and blocked me on the phone forever ago. I don't know if they blocked me anywhere else, but they're adults, I can't badger them in venues like a middle school kid in hopes that they'll finally talk to me.

My parents ignore us still for up to a full year and then try to visit us. Any time they visit us they say they'll visit for a week and then shorten it to like 2 days, and during the day they're on their laptops "working" for hours on end, and then during the afternoons they're being critical and rude, and then they turn in early and hang out in another room alone. And they constantly gossip and made snide comments about me to my wife's family members whenever I'm in the other room, but I can clearly hear them.

I once talked to my dad about how bad this is and he told me that it's my fault and that I needed to not ruin his family. I'm like dude, I got my own family. You fix your family, I can't fix you for you.

I asked why my dad doesn't believe me and believes my sister about the nonsense and he went off about how he doesn't pick sides and yelled at me. Yeah, sure.

And they say that we can never, ever come visit them or talk on the phone when they're around my siblings because that might "upset them" so anytime we hang out is on their terms and whenever and wherever they say and they have total control of it because if we ever visit them where we want to or when we want to or even call them then they say my siblings could see and tell me to get lost.

And the thing is they act like all the stuff in my childhood didn't happen. They act happy and chill like nothing's wrong and nothing's ever been wrong. They never apologized and never changed and they pester my kids now and accuse them of stuff randomly like "oh there goes your daughter being a little bratty demanding control freak. She's just like you! I wonder where that came from? Hmm?"

I don't know if I've been difficult to them growing up or not but I don't think even if I was that it warrants anything they've done or said.

It sucks because I watch all my friends who are married with kids have loving parents who support them and help them and are there for them, and if I ask for one ounce of support from mine they tell me I need to grow up and be an adult and make more money like them.

Money is interesting too because they love it. All growing up whenever I told them that I don't feel loved by them they would said they spend money on me and to shut up and ask who I think I am. They buy food and what not after all. But I guess the thing to me is that that logic is so weird. Like if spending money on someone is the only way to express love then that means you have to spend money on everyone for your whole life nonstop.

And all the other stuff and mistreatment and abuse is okay because money is spent on me?

I guess some have asked me why I still talk to my parents at all and I don't know, I guess some part of me wants to hold on to what remaining pieces I have left and part of me still kinda wants them to validate me and tell me they're proud of me or love me.

I mean I realized I constantly tie my heart to older married couples and I guess I'm still craving a parent so I do it without realizing, and I always have since school when I think back.

I guess I say all that to get it off my chest and to ask what anyone thinks I should do. I know it's reddit, I get it. But I just wanna spitball thoughts. Am I crazy? Am I really the reason all this bad stuff has happened and I've been abused like that and lied about by my sister? Like I didn't do anything to her, but my parents told me I just kinda carry myself in a way that makes it seem like I'm guilty, like how my wife and like each other so much means that my wife is stupid and I'm manipulative to her and that I'm raping my wife too or whatever because I don't freaking know, because liking your spouse is really weird to them I guess.

I guess it's weird to ask if I'm the reason or at fault for false accusations from my sister but I guess I also got it in my head for a long time that if I said something in retaliation to their abuse like "shut up" years ago (which they do hold onto. They literally will bring up things I did as a toddler still and tell me how awful I am and tell it to my wife) then I get in my head that that was awful of me to say that and that I deserve to be falsely accused.

I find myself worried constantly that my friends will leave me or that my wife will turn on me or that my kids will grow up and hate me. I don't know why or how, just reasons I guess.

I've had nightmares about my parents and siblings since I was 3 is my earliest memory. And to this day my wife was talking me up to my mom recently and saying how proud she is of me and my mom kept discounting what my wife was saying and trying to compete and say "well I've accomplished more" and my wife basically just went "yeah, well he doesn't need your help and he accomplished what he did on his own and he did something you've never done before." And my mom finally stopped, according to my wife.

I don't know, I wanna ask if I'm really a failure but you guys don't know me.

And then what do I do? Do I need to be done with them? I hate how popular it is to ghost parents when you grow up today so I've tried to avoid it so I'm not that person, but honestly it's starting to eat away at me the more I stay in touch with them even though we talk like once a year or whatever. That little makes me more tormented than not at all. I mean if they find out I'm on vacation I get a whole lecture.

I just don't know what to do. They won't change or be held accountable and I can't confront them or talk to them about it because they'll lie and deny everything. And I don't know how to process my whole life at this point and wondering if it's all my fault. And I guess I've got it in my head that I'm somehow the one in the wrong for all of this. I don't know what to do or even how to process my thoughts or feelings.

I'm rambling, sorry, I don't get to talk about this often.