u/TrickyRipper

You know them when you meet them.

You can't quite put your finger on how. Its

some kind of quiet, unintrusive, intent.

Genuine curiosity catches off guard. There is

something your subconscious can't help but

see... The curiosity itself is the intent.

They aren't seeking anything, from you, or of

you. It feels different, because it is different.

When someone just wants to understand

you, and be understood by you, that energy

is damn near palpable, When someone truly

makes no judgements of you, you realize

everyone else was full of shit. You think of all

the times what you told them was used

against you, or changed the way they treated

you, or the way it not so subtlety created

distance... all on its own. But then you meet someone who is only being drawn in by all of what makes up what is you... not slowly moving out of arms reach.

Being shown true care and true love, being

shown what a truly safe place can feel like, is

like suddenly realizing you've been swimming

in the ocean your whole life, and now finding

solid ground beneath your feet.

How do you explain what standing up feels like to

someone whos been adrift at sea their whole life?

And thats when it hits you. What this person

is truly showing you. They've been here, standing

on land, for who know how long. And they were once a drift like you, they had to be... But they found land somehow. And what did they do

with it? They didnt put up walls, or try to

hide it for their own personal utopia. No, instead they turned towards the ocean, the same ocean they just pulled themselves out of, and started trying to pull as many people out of the water as they could. And this epiphany becomes a marked moment in your life and on who you will be from that day forward.

Because there is an unavoidable choice that this safe ground quietly demands of you. A choice that will be made for you if you don't have the courage to make it yourself, and that is...

Who will You be now?

Will you be the one who start building walls?

Or will you turn to face the water... and start

calling to those still at sea.

INTRO: Ive only been writing for about 15 months. I started it as a way to work through things. You'll get the idea from this one.

This one i wrote, about an hour ago. About facing what I couldnt fully bear. What I did to bring about the end.

I rarely share what ive written. But this one is the most... vulnerable? Ive been in my long journey of self reflection. And it feels like a good time. And this feel like a good one, to share. So please do let me know what you think. And just know, this is very real and very genuine. I hope you like it.

_______________________

When everything else begins to fall into

place except for that one thing, whose

absence cant be ignored, and the

undercurrent of hollow still flows true, thats

when you know your true desire. The source

of the flow. The source of you.

l didnt make the right choices then, I didnt

do the right thing. I took what I wanted

instead of waiting to begin the right way. And

because of that, it was all built on faulty

ground. We both knew that when we started

building our life on top of it. We tried to fix it,

dig it all up and lay the earth down just right.

But dont think the problem was with the

foundation. I think the problem was us. I not

only stained the earth around us. I stained

me, I stained her.

There is one thing, that hurts in such a way, I

still havent been able to fully turn to face it. I

catch glimpes over my shoulder. Sometimes I

even turn my head to the side to see it

better... But any more than that, and I cant

help but start to feel my pieces slipping, and

ive just barely begun to hold them together

again.

But I need to look. I have to look.

We both saw the light going out for a long

time. But neither of us wanted to, or could

bare to, speak it. We just moved closer to the

dying flame. Until the creeping night became

unavoidable to the touch...and by then it

was too late. And after a certain point, I

knew there was going to be no relighting the

flame. knew I was watching it slowly go out,

for the last time. So why couldnt I do what I

should have? Why didnt I save her the pain,

the torture, of fighting till the end, and in the

end... having to be the one to do it. She

found a strength I did not have.

And thats the pain I couldnt face. I failed in

so many ways. But that final failure...

I will carry that until the end...

That is my penance.

I let someone I loved suffer hell because I was

too weak to stand up. I can not, and should

not, ever put that weight down fully. I don't

deserve to. I got what I deserved. She had to

find happiness away from me to find the

strength to stand up. I caused that. I dug this

cavity in my chest, I strung this weight

around my legs. But I don't have the right to

remove it. I could have stopped it.

I didnt then.... and so I cant now.

This last piece will never fall into place. I will

never find what Im looking for, no matter

how hard I search. Until face this weight ive

been dragging. Look at this hole in my

chest.... in the light of day...

And Pay the Debt that is Owed.

I can not longer ignore this weight I made, or

the hole I tore. I have been trying to convince

myself that I paid enough. That what she did

was bad enough.

That it was okay.. to be okay.

But I'm wrong.

I've known all along...

I had to build the Me who could face this.

And now here I stand.

I will carve my payment directly out of this

weight.

And will sharpen what I tore out of my

chest to do it.

No matter the pain.

I have no right to complain...

Even if it takes the rest of my days, I will

carve something beautiful out of this stone.

Maybe then...

If I add enough beauty to the world...

Maybe then...

Ill have earned the right to find it again.

Which for me is basically all day, I have 40mg of vyvanse worth of adhd, lol, and after going through some shit last year i started writing them down in my phone. Ive got probably 60 now, recently a buddy of mine showed me this song/poem by Luke Bryan (?) And one of the lines is "i will not fear tomorrow for today will have been enough"

And i really liked that. So i wrote it down. And now its become this like three part thing. To start the day its, "today will be enough" once im up and attempting to function it becomes "today will be enough, breathe" and when I get home its "today was enough". And its been the longest lasting one so far for me. So I'm just curious, if anyone else is my flavor of crazy and if you got some contemplative phrases to lay on me. Taking all comers. (NOTLIKETHAT)

When I find an artist I know im about to get into. I will start with their random singles and then go album by album by release. I was trying to convince my friend that this is a cool way to see how an artists music evolves over time. To which he replied, yeabutno. 20 minutes of back and forth later, and we arrived at a middle ground.

So pick an artist. One song from each full length release.

Idk what it is, you just cant post questions in titles lmao. Had the thought when a song named "sorry" came on. I bet theres a ton of songs named sorry.

I am absolutely addicted to sad music. Have always been. 99% of people look at me funny when I say that. Never been able to fully express why, but this is the best way I can describe it.

Those deep aching feelings, feel the most real. And I would rather fall into the void and lose myself chasing that, than just simply enjoy my life and be happy 24/7.

I enjoy being happy dont get me wrong. But I want to feel things. All the things. I want to know why something makes me feel the way it does.

Thats the best ive got so far. Hope it makes sense.

Edit: spelling