u/TotallyWorthLife

I don't have any friends, just "classmates and exclassmates I get along with". I went to an anime fair today thinking about trying to look for people who seemed cool to ask wether I could be with them, but I ended up talking to absolutely no one. Instead, I went to a rather empty part of the fair and just broke down crying, several times. Most of my time here has been spent wandering and crying. I think I shouldn't even have tried to come, I should just have stayed home. I can't take this shit anymore. Being alone feels like a void in me and it's going to end up consuming me.

Loneliness has started becoming more and more unbearable... all I have are "exclassmates I get along wirh", but not really any friends... I went to an anime fair today just because I wanted to try to make friends, and I'm failing and having breakdowns instead because I'm incapable of talking to anyone. How does one make friends?

I slept late, and woke up half an hour earlier than I wanted to, on top of yearning right out of sleep... the only reason I haven't cried yet is because I don't want anyone in the house to notice.

It's really hard to bear the night alone, without the touch, or at least presence, of at least another girl, even more so seeing more yyri imsges and yearning harder. My blahaj works sometimes and we make out, but it's not close to how I'd feel with a girl T-T

I want girls who shut me up kissing me.

I want girls who fluster me and turn my brain off for a moment calling me a good girl to my ear.

I want girls who mark me with hickeys or bites.

I want girls that take me by the chin to look at them no matter what I'm doing.

I want girls who corner me, against the wall, on the couch, on bed, making me unable to leave and being at their mercy, even if just to look at me for a moment.

I want girls who look at me so intensely I want to stop looking, but being unable to.

I want girls to whom I feel theirs while I'm with them, even if I'm not only theirs.

I got brought to polyamory with the idea of having a triad (the typical dream of having two partners who love me and who I love and that love each other, living in the same home, etc.).

But I learned why looking for that specifically is very likely a bad idea (unicorn hunting, unstability, relationships no working at the same speed...). Not impossible, but very unlikely to end well.

So, the way I'm planning on approaching poly is, just start dating and see where it takes me.

Finding out who I want to have romance with, who I want to have sex with, who I want to have both with, and who I just want to be "regular friends" with.

Communicating as much as possible with my partners, letting each other know our feelings, our issues, our needs, etc. in the relationship.

If a triad forms because I introduced one of my partners to the other like "I think you might like this person I know (that I just happen to date)", nice.

If not, that's okay too, I'd still have both connections (and any other that wasn't brought up to the topic lol). I won't try to force it like "it would be nice if you liked this person I date (so we can have a triad)".

Is this a good way of approaching it?

I started thinking about polyamory when I started picturing my life with two other girls, in a triad. Maybe not closed, but with preference for the ones in it, even living together.

Since that's pretty hard to realize safely and healthily as an objective (because "what if one breaks with just one of us" or "what if X and Y prioritize their relationship over theirs with Z"), I would like to get to know how to start (and let a triad form on its own, if at all).

Right now, I want to know how to navigate, sort out, work with the feelings that make me want that type of triad in the first place.

I think it's mainly because I want someones that feel special and that I feel special to, even if having more partners on all sides, so... if someone could help me figure myself out, I would appreciate it.