u/ToiIetGhost

I am not OOP. That is u/memoryman. Originally posted in r/Relationship_Advice, r/IAmA, and r/AskReddit

Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, domestic violence!<

Mood spoilers: >!a sad story with no resolution!<

Editor’s Note: This is Part 2 of a multi-part saga. Please read PART 1 first for the full context of the amnesia backstory and initial relationship troubles. Picking up exactly where Part 1 left off, here is the next update and the relevant commentary.

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2nd Update - 1 June 2011 (28 days later) 

tldr: took the kids and GTFO, kids are happy and safe

Can't believe it's been almost a month already... I went back and looked at where I left off with the first thread and a LOT has happened…

Here's the abridged version, feel free to ask questions and I'll fill in the blanks.

She was really starting to make me nervous, kept talking about how irrational and psycho I was acting and getting more and more angry. After we had a disagreement over something minor she threatened to call the cops 'like the officer told her to if i got irrational again'.

Went outside and called my lawyer (hadn't met yet)… told her what was going on before she jumped in and told me to GTFO now, don't pass go, don't wait for anything, just go. Told me to get the kids and stop by the local PD and tell them my lawyer advised me to GTFO and let them know what I was doing and that it was on the advice of my attorney.

Went to the PD with the intent of just letting them know what I was doing but they wanted to chat. Turns out the officer I was speaking with had been at my house that morning. He seemed suspicious and while we talked the kids colored in the other room. Turns out they talked to my son but we told the exact same version of events. The officer left me to talk with his supervisor and when he came back his demeanor had changed. He told me my wife told him a similar version of events but without the violence towards my son... essentially she said we argued, I lunged at her (I went over to check on my son) and that I chased her up the stairs and that's why she smashed my computer (I was heading the other way to check on my son again). He was pretty sympathetic at that point and just asked that we let the PD know where we would be staying in case she called and said the children were kidnapped.

Ended up staying at a friend's house, they had two spare rooms and we had our own bathroom. She's a bit older than me and married but with no kids so she has a pretty nice place. First few nights the kids wouldn't sleep unless I was in the room or lying between them. Fell asleep with them the first night and woke up with both of them clinging to me.

The next morning I met with my attorney and we immediately went down to the courthouse and I filed a protection order against their mom on behalf of both kids. It went surprisingly quick... the magistrate heard from me before talking to my son. My attorney said it usually takes a bit longer to convince the judge a PO is in order.

Full hearing was set for the next week but until then my wife could have zero contact with the kids. That weekend I met with a local cop to drop by the house and pick up some clothes for me and the kids to find about 8 garbage bags full of our stuff in the corner of the garage. She'd thrown out a ton of our things... cloths, toys, books, medicine, you name it... and some of it was clearly mixed with garbage. I took the whole pile and threw it in my vehicle as well as anything else I could grab.

The next week we filed an abuse and neglect complaint against my wife. Thursday morning we met before the final PO hearing and decided to delay that until next week and come up some sort of temporary custody agreement that we could bring to the magistrate for the initial abuse and neglect hearing (abuse and neglect is out of the juvenile court and trumps anything from the PO, which is a simple domestic court filing).

My attorney hadn't met my wife before and was shocked at how unstable she was... her speech was disjointed and my attorney could tell her thought processes were all over the place. She was up and down emotionally and practically had a panic attack when we first met... that quickly turned to sobbing and then intense anger.

We eventually came to a verbal agreement but not until both attorneys told my wife she was being completely unreasonable and the magistrate could force an agreement down her throat if need be. The agreement was to get the kids back in the house and have my parents come down to stay with them until the hearing but come next for the initial abuse and neglect hearing my wife said she's not leaving the house under any circumstances. So she stays in the house and I get full temporary custody of the kids. Even the court advocate for the kids can't believe she chose the house over fighting for visitation. My lawyer is really happy and its a big win for me but I'm running out of leave for work and now I have to find alternate housing and daycare.

Before this past memorial day weekend I get an email demanding visits with both kids over the weekend. The agreement was that they would be supervised, short and the court advocate would be involved for monitoring as well. Wife goes ballistic when I push back and says I'm violating a court order, etc. I explain that none of the required people have met the kids let alone talked to any of us about scheduling visits.

On top of that both kids, especially my son, have been vocal about not wanting to see her. My son is extremely angry with her as am I. The more we've been away from her the more the three of us have realized how bad things were and there's nothing I won't do to protect them and make sure nothing like this ever happens again. I call my lawyer and explain what's happening and she shuts down all the talk of visits.

On top of that my wife slipped and mentioned that her father was coming down to work on the house (another story) so I figured her plan was to have the kids meet her family for the first time. My wife has been estranged from her family for the last 15 years. Her mother kicked her out of the house after an argument (also slapped her up and choked her, holding her against the wall as she took her house keys from her) and she has had zero contact with them until I left with the kids. Now they've fully reconciled and she thought it would be a great idea to introduce the kids to grandparents they've never met during the same visit with a mother that abused and neglected them.

Its insane that she still hasn't had a mental evaluation and the kids and I have been in therapy the last three weeks. FYI I got a clean bill of mental health from my psych dr and he's not even recommending meds. Thinks I'm doing extraordinarily well considering everything we've been through. Kids are doing pretty well, very happy and acting like kids again... but things come up that let me know we have plenty to deal with.

So the next thing we have is a pre-trial in another two months unless my wife negotiates some plea and custody deal I find acceptable.

Ask away, I typed this up quick and I'm sure I've left tons of things out.

Thanks to all in the OP, you were immensely valuable in keeping me sane and keeping the kids safe.

Comments

Have a plan in place to prevent kidnapping.

>I've been on leave, driving them to/from school every day. I take random routes, I have a lot of people watching out for the kids... They're never unattended. 

>I also gave both schools a list of authorized people who can pick them up. Turns out that was helpful as my wife told my daughter's principal that the PO had expired and she was coming to pick her up. Principal wouldn't release my daughter to her, as the PO was still in effect for several more days. She wasn’t very happy that my wife lied to her. I was stunned to find out she'd been calling the schools to ask about the kids. The staff just told her they weren't there. I informed my lawyer of everything.

>At this point I want as little contact between my wife and kids as possible. I don't trust her with my daughter at all, she was much nicer to her in the last month before we left and it did a nice job of confusing the hell out of the poor girl. She actually said to me at one point "daddy, mommy was nice to me today".

What are the authorities and lawyers saying?

>The system (child services & juvenile court) is moving slow but my lawyers know my wife is in extremely bad shape legally. They also believe that my wife has no clue as to how serious the situation is. 

>There's contradictions all over the fucking place but it won't matter unless this goes to trial. The sad thing is that by default everyone believes the shit coming out of her mouth and then I (the irrational psycho husband) have to defend shit that has nothing to do with her charges. But once I explain, everyone does see the contradictions and discrepancies in her story.

>I just want to get everyone in a room and have them ask the kids: when was the last time she hugged or kissed you, when was the last time she said something nice to you, what happened when you made a mistake at home, who made your meals, who did you go to when you needed something, what happened when you asked mommy for something?

>And fuck me if another person tells me that the kids need their mother, and for their sake we (I) need to work hard to fix this. I gave everything I had and more and it was never enough, all I got for years of effort was blame and guilt. fuck everything about this.

What relationship issues did you have before she got sick?

>Oh boy. Where to start? She was and is extremely self-centered/selfish and lacking in empathy. That affected just about everything to some degree. 

>She wasn't always like that though. She used to be the most positive, optimistic, hopeful, kind person I ever knew. The old her never would’ve hit our kids. But when she essentially divorced herself from her side of the family, she began to change.

>I believe she has some major self esteem issues but she hides them exceedingly well. She's gorgeous, but while she sees the reactions she gets, I don't think she truly believes it. But that doesn't stop her from using her looks to get what she wants from people. She’s spent much more time focusing on her appearance in the last two years. I think she was getting really worried about her looks and figure deteriorating.

>A big issue for me pre-illness was her tendency to blame. She'd rather blame and berate someone instead of moving forward and fixing the problem. Apologizing became worthless, I'd get ripped to shreds for even making the mistake.

>She has some major, fundamental issues besides the anger and violence. I think she was having a nuclear mid-life crisis and the illness just accelerated and intensified it. She was struggling with who she was beforehand. Identifying as a mother was becoming a problem and she desperately wanted to get back to work full time.

Your wife clearly needs to see a professional.

>She flat out refused to see anyone - a family therapist, marriage counselor, psychiatrist, you name it - she refused and deflected. She even lied on the little psych tests the neurologist gave her. But no one with authority will even force her to get an evaluation. 

>She might have trouble recognizing how sick she is now, but she had plenty of chances and wanted nothing to do with it. She couldn't get over how unfair it was... she honestly felt like she shouldn't have to change or do anything different or adapt. I do feel bad for her but I had to get out, she was getting more and more irrational and at the end, violent.

>While she looks and sounds like my wife, it's not her. I don't know if it’s physical, chemical or mental at this point, but she refuses to get help.

Do you think you could ever trust her again, like if she tried to get better?

>A friend asked me this too. What would I do if my wife got treatment and showed massive improvement? I honestly doubt it’ll ever come to that. Based on her current behavior and her friends and family seemingly believing every word of her version of events, I have little confidence she's going to get the help she needs.

>Still, if she did try, would I reconcile? Would I welcome her back into the kid's lives? Right now, no. And I can't see how anything could change that. I don't see her as the enemy but I don't think I can ever trust her to be around me or the kids again. 

>I feel so completely taken advantage of, so manipulated and used that even if she got better and apologized, I don't know if I could trust her again. I don't know if the woman she was before her illness is someone we should be around either. I don't know what normal is for her.

Do you think of yourself as someone she abused?

>It feels odd saying this but yes, I think so. It’s taken some time to realize but I try not to think about how deep and to what extent the abuse went. I don't even know if I can understand or fathom what a healthy relationship is like. And that kinda scares me. I was so focused on protecting the kids I don't think I realized how much of a verbal beating I was taking.

>I know it's my fault for taking the abuse but I can already see how much I don't trust people and how guarded I am (and have been). Now that I’m away from her, this is the first time in many, many years I don't feel like a worthless husband and father.

How are the kids?

>The kids have been great. My close friends and family can't believe how different they act and how much happier they are since we left. They seem like kids again.

>At the same time, they’re showing signs of beginning to process what happened. My daughter drew this nice picture of a house and said it was for me, her and her brother but no mommies. That felt like a cross between a punch in the gut and the air being sucked from my lungs. I can't begin to imagine what it’s like for a little girl to process what her mom has said and done to her.

>Last week I had the radio playing as I drove the kids to school and The Beastie Boys song "You Gotta Fight" came on... I went to change it as I thought they wouldn't want to hear it but my daughter asked me to turn it back, which I did. I think that song will be our anthem, my daughter asked me to turn it up three times. Both of them laughed as I sang along and I couldn't help but think how appropriately defiant the song was.

What if she tries to win you back?

>From what she told a mutual friend (grain of salt) she didn't know why I left and was expecting me to come home with the kids. She'd go from that to shrieking like a banshee on the phone - demanding that i act like an adult, give my wedding ring to her, sell the house so she can get her cut, etc. She asked twice before I left when she could start seeing other people. I just shook my head and said I couldn't believe that was what she was concerned with.

>It seems to be driving her crazy (no pun intended) that she can't push my buttons and manipulate me like she did before. She really seems to feed off manipulation and control.

Don’t go back to her.

>No worries about that. It was a bit unsettling when I realized I don't miss her at all. Not that there wasn't anything good about her or the relationship at certain points but she isn't the person I fell in love with and even then i've realized how one sided our relationship was. I think I've been grieving for awhile. But I'm so focused on and busy with the kids I haven't had much time for pity parties - or guilt for that matter

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Mini Update - Comment by OOP in the AskReddit thread What’s your personal FML story? - 22 August 2011 (3 months later)

LTTP but here you go:

Wife of 12+ years gets a viral infection in her brain, loses all of her memory both long and short term. Starts to recover, think we're past the hard part then the seizures start. Mood changes drastically, personality was already slightly different. Gets mean, starts resenting the kids and me, starts blaming us for everything. Starts abusing us both physically and emotionally. I try to get her help but she only blames us more.

I finally take the kids and leave. My attorney says its some of the worst she's seen in her 20+ year career. Children's Services does no interviews, I meet the caseworker once and she writes a "report" that says my son and I made it all up. All during this, my wife, who was going to divorce me and leave the kids with me, decides she's a good mom and wants the kids. Since she's in the house and needs to make me pay for betraying her she racks up $5K on the credit credit we agreed to let her use for food and such.

I have the kids and they're safe but I'm at a friends sleeping on the floor with little clothes. Bank account is wiped out. Legal bills mounting. Found a new place to live after a few months because judge wouldn't let us back into the house.

So, I don't know who this woman is but she's hell bent on destroying me in every way possible. I'm actually doing pretty well with all of it and the kids are doing much better, I understand shit happens and while I'm doing everything I can to protect myself and the kids, there's too much room in the system to fuck with someone if you want to... and she is.

Hard to grieve when the other person is doing shit that makes hate an easy emotion... don't even know who I am at this point. I didn't realize how much I'd been stifling who I was because of the abuse. Kids are the #1 focus, I'll deal with my shit later, I just want to make sure I'm a decent role model and set an example of normalcy. No bashing mom, no complaining about shit, just deal with what you're dealt the best you can.

So yeah, FML right now... There's no sugar coating it, it sucks worst than anything I could ever imagine. But without a shadow of a doubt I know I did the right thing. I can sleep at night, I don't know how she can.

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2nd Mini Update - Comment by OOP in the AskReddit thread What is your living situation? - 2 September 2011 (1 week later)

Been living in a friend's spare bedroom with my two kids the last four months.

Next week we finally move into a two bedroom apartment.

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3rd Mini Update - Comment by OOP in the AskReddit thread What was rock bottom in your life? - 1 October 2011 (1 month later)

Still in the middle of it.

I'm optimistic but it still hurts worse than anything I could imagine. Constantly swinging between intense anger and sadness and trying to hold it together for the kids.

We've lost everything. House, belongings, money. But I don't care because the kids are safe.

Just realized that first post is less than half of the story, and there's a second submission where things blown up and I turned to reddit for help. I ll try to find it when I get back.

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Final Mini Update - Comment by OOP on his old post - 1 October 2011 (1 month later)

I am just getting ready to post a big update. Shit has gotten worse but should begin quieting down for a while. The trial isn't for a bit yet.

[Editor's Note: This is the last we hear from OP. Although his profile is still up, there is no definitive conclusion to this story.]

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Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not OOP. That is u/memoryman. Originally posted in r/Relationship_Advice, r/IAmA, and r/AskReddit

Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, domestic violence!<

Mood spoilers: >!a sad story with no resolution!<

Editor’s Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part saga (split due to character limit). It takes place over 15 years ago. OOP promised an update before >!the trial!< but subsequently abandoned his account. While the story is structurally inconclusive, the discussion and the events leading up to >!the split!< are incredibly intense and worth the read.

PART 2

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Backstory: My wife had total global amnesia (all long and short term memory gone) and still hasn't fully recovered AMA - 29 December 2009

Clarification: this happened a little over 1 year ago.

The doctors say my wife had viral encephalitis and that is what caused the memory loss. It was very sudden. My wife was fine when she woke up, came to help me find some clothes for our daughter and then started asking me repeatedly what day it was.

The first doctor we saw sent us home, saying she was having confusion from her migraines (which she has a history of, but never had any problems with memory loss or confusion).

About a day later my wife woke up from a nap (she was sleeping a lot) and asked me if I was her boyfriend. I lost it at this point and took her to our family doctor and then straight to the ER. She was hospitalized for almost a week.

In the hospital she only remembered about 30-90 seconds before she'd completely forget what you'd told her. By the time she was discharged she was up to 15-30 minutes of short term and she was starting to remember some of the details of her hospital room layout (what was behind the door, closet or toilet).

It's been a long slow process to recovery over the past year and her immune system really took a hit. Her short term memory seems to be completely fine now. A lot of her long term memory is back as far as we can tell, it's hard to judge. The older memories seem the most intact, childhood, grade school, high school, college years.

The stuff from the last few years has been the slowest to come back. She remembers our oldest child's birth but remembers nothing of our daughter's birth or pregnancy... that's been difficult.

That's the short version. Ask away and I'll answer everything I can.

Edit #1: forgot to mention, at about the 1 year mark I woke up early in the morning to her having a seizure (no history of that and I'd never seen one before). I thought she was brain dead and completely lost it. Back to the ER again, more MRIs and CTs. The neurologist thinks it was related to the virus as it affected the part of the brain that often causes seizures.

Edit #2: since this seems to be a common question this is how she'll remember things: Good or bad they come back suddenly. Sometimes she'll just remember the general experience and not the details and sometimes she'll remember all of it. The pattern has been that she'll remember something small (it'll just pop in or something can spur it) and then it usually triggers related memories.

Edit #3: personality-wise she now likes action flicks a hell of a lot more than she used to. not into chick flicks as much. i'll add more here later.

Comments

Do you know what caused the encephalitis?

>The doctors don't know 100% what caused the infection. They're pretty sure it was a virus but the spinal taps and tests didn’t identify which one. She did have a stubborn sinus infection prior to this. The doc said the virus could’ve been in the air, or been dormant in her and triggered by something.

Is there a chance she could get another infection?

>My wife said to just dump her on the curb if that happens... and she wasn't kidding. I wouldn't do that but I honestly don't know if we could make it. Something like this makes you look really hard at what a human being can take. I always thought we'd be together forever and that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I'm optimistic about our future as a family but I don't know if either of us could take this again.

How long have you been together?

>Married for 10, together for 15. 

How old are your kids? How are they taking it?

>Daughter is 4 and son is 8. Our daughter has no idea what happened or why. Our son has a general idea of what happened but I don't think he really understands. He got really upset when he saw his mom in the hospital. She really wanted to see the kids but they didn't stay long.

>It helps that our son is a lot like me, she was quicker to reconnect with him but it's been really hard with our daughter who she has little memory of.

Did you ever worry she wouldn’t love you anymore?

>I think I always assumed she would. She said I was the one thing she remembered most, that I was her mental "rock" and she still "liked" me. She said it felt like when we first started dating.

Do you have a good support system?

>Umm... we got very little help from extended family. My parents came, but after a couple of days my dad mentioned someone else would have to help in the future. Said they were getting too old. We have no contact with my wife's side (and it wasn't pleasant when my wife got those memories back). As for friends, we moved to a very conservative area 3 years ago for my job. Sadly, we haven’t made any friends here.

What happened with her family?

>I'm leaving plenty out, but… We started dating when we were young. She still lived at home but things weren't well with her parents. One day they abruptly kicked her out, so I asked her to move in with me. She hasn’t seen or spoken with any of her family in 12+ years and our kids have never even seen pictures of them.

Did her personality change?

>Yes. From what I've heard, we got lucky with how little (relatively) her personality changed. That's been one of the hardest parts. In some ways she's a new person. 

>There's parts of our past she has forgotten. Some good, some bad. I feel really guilty about saying this, but I'm actually glad she forgot how fucked up I am (emotionally). I'm not making this up, a week or two before she got sick we were arguing (it was a pretty big fight) and she said something about how I always react like X to Y situation and that I'm just like my mother. It really bothered me as I've worked hard to get past a lot of emotional problems. 

>I remember lying in bed later and angrily wishing that she would forget all of the shit from my past, all the shit she knew about me and my family and that we could just start over. I wish I was lying about this. I don't believe in god but someone heard me and granted my wish. I told my wife about it and even though we generally believe it's a coincidence it still really bothers me that I said it.

Do either of you just get the urge to leave?

>To be completely honest, yes. We’ve both had multiple instances where we wanted to walk away from everything. More on her part... and I completely understand why.

>There were a few really bad times where I truly thought it was over, that our little family simply couldn't take this amount of stress. We somehow got through the problems and the urges seem to happen less and less. Around a later was when it got really hard emotionally. She still felt like she'd been plopped into someone else's life. I had a lot of trouble keeping it together.

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I did an AMA over a year ago and after what happened last night I don't think I have any choice but to end my marriage... but I really need some advice - 29 April 2011 (1 year, 4 months later)

Pretty numb at the moment… I apologize in advance for the enormous length of the post as well as any typos or grammatical errors.

TLDR on the AMA: Oct 2008 my wife lost all short and long term memory due to viral encephalitis. Eventually got short term back but still had gaps in long term (still does to this day).

Since the AMA in December 2009 the relationship between my wife and children was the first to deteriorate. She didn't remember having them or making the decision to have them. Told me on multiple occasions she feels like she is babysitting someone else's kids and didn't want to be a mother any longer.

Our 9 yo son had some problems with some kids at school and we didn't find out until he started acting out at home. Between that and getting caught sneaking cookies up to his room my wife reacted by really clamping down. She felt his getting picked was a sign of weakness and that he needed more discipline. We disagreed but tried to keep moving forward. Our son was very confused as one of the kids was a good friend and he would get upset, confused and contradict himself when trying to explain what happened, which infuriated my wife. She felt he was lying and doing it all for attention.

Any time he made a mistake she'd nail him hard… I came home from work one day to find him crying and hauling all of his toys from his room to the basement. He'd done something that pissed her off, I don't recall in particular what it was that day. He would get yelled at for bringing home a dirty lunch bag or coat. At this point if he even looked at her the wrong way she'd yell at him. Any time I objected we'd end up arguing and she'd blame me for contributing to his attitude and behavior.

Our son was now lying any time he sensed he might be in trouble and he wasn't very good at it. I advocated discipline but also wanted to get at the core problem behind the lying, which I felt was his fear of getting in trouble, yelled at and punished. My wife took the lying as a personal insult and wanted to punish accordingly.

Our son is very bright, socially awkward and probably a bit immature for his age. He didn't respond well to the beratement, often doing what he probably felt was his only recourse, stonewalling. Against my objections she'd threaten him with beatings, no food or sleeping in the basement if he refused to answer her. This escalated into name calling, seething sarcasm and belittling him in every way.

I tried to protect him as much as possible but any time I stepped in she'd make me pay for it. If I tried to calm her down while she was yelling at him, it would upset her further and turn her anger towards me. If I tried to talk to her privately after the kids were in bed it turned into an argument.

I was incredibly confused, my wife had never, ever treated anyone in this way before. She was full of anger and regret over quitting her job to raise the kids as well as the lack of jobs which kept her 'stuck' at home. She felt with her illness and the fact that she gave up so much for the kids that they should work extra hard at behaving. She complained more and more how unfair her life was and how she didn't deserve these kind of health problems and unappreciative, bratty children.

I've always tried to advocate what I've read about parenting: understanding, patience, communication and respect. Don't be permissive or a "friend" and let children do whatever they want, but don't be too heavy handed with the discipline. Discipline, with an emphasis on cause and effect and setting realistic boundaries should be the goal, not punishment that is retaliatory, overly severe and without love.

Affection and attention from their mother for both of our children dropped significantly, especially our son. It is pretty much zero. I began to notice how the kids would actively avoid her and come only to me for things they needed. They began speaking more quietly in an attempt to go unnoticed by her but all this did was anger her further. She blamed me for being the 'weak parent' that they'd gravitate to. She said she wouldn't change as it would just show them that weakness would get them catered to. Again we'd disagree and argue about the issue, again with me taking all of the blame.

The whole situation worsened still. Our arguments got more heated. The name calling done by my wife got worse. I was beginning to see how manipulative my wife was getting. She'd guilt our son with how his 'horrible behavior' kept her sick. She'd attack him instead of his behavior and force him to admit how awful he was...

During an argument about this my wife struck me in the face as I was trying to sit down in a chair. I wasn't making any move towards her and I've never come close to touching her in anger. I was beyond stunned.

She didn't apologize, ever (she never apologizes, she feels she doesn't have to), and justified it by saying I was upset and she was trying to snap me out of it. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to give up on my marriage, I kept telling myself she was sick and dealing with a lot of stress. I justified it any way I could.

As if reading my mind, she told me I was too gutless to leave and that I'd never get the kids if I did. She told me I was the one with the issues and that I was responsible for her anger and sickness. Whenever I put my foot down she'd guilt me with blame for ruining her life… I did carry a lot of guilt over her illness and regretted trusting one of the neurologists and not getting her to the ER sooner. She knew what buttons to push or what would break my will or what guilt would drive me to tears.

I was always tired and my will to fight was diminishing. Because of 'how horrible' the kids were, I took on more and more responsibility. I prepared their breakfast and lunches the night before, and made dinner when I got home. I helped our son with his and our laundry as she'd no longer do that. I got all groceries and ran all errands. She told our son that since he was such an ass that he no longer getting anything from her in any way. Told him to plan on starving if I wasn't around.

She would vacuum the house on occasion but that was about it. All other time was with her on the couch, watching tv, playing on her cellphone and shopping and browsing on the net. I was at the point I felt like I was raising them as a single father except for her yelling. We began going through stretches where we wouldn't speak and I actually began enjoying these respites, as the kids and I got to spend time talking, reading and playing while my wife locked herself in her room. That would end when my wife and I reconciled but the periods between arguments and related periods of non-communication decreased while their length increased.

This whole time I've never given up hope that I'd be able to help her through this and understand how counter-productive her treatment of the kids actually was and how unhealthy her constant anger was. All I got was blame, blame and more blame. And if I would get upset with her accusations she'd accuse me of being unstable and overly sensitive. If I reacted to her calling me a closet f***** (sorry, her words not mine), a pussy, an embarrassment of a husband, a worthless father, or whatever else she'd come up with then I was a being an ass who didn't care about his sick wife.

She called our 9 year old son a worthless piece of shit, an ass, a horrible son, lazy, selfish, etc... Told him he was such horrible kid it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. I stepped in but always paid for it. I'd give him a hug and kiss before bed, still in tears, and tell him that while he needed to always to work on his behavior that I would always love him and that nothing would change that. Fortunately I had to do that far less with our 5 year old daughter but she would wasn't immune to that kind of treatment. Both kids were becoming more and more withdrawn but my wife insisted it was my fault.

Everything came to a head today. My wife had not spoken to myself or the kids in a week except for the occasional snide remark. I'd been sleeping on the couch and trying to spend as much time as I could with the kids.

I got a call from her at work Thursday morning, and she immediately told me 'my' son was going to get his ass beat when he got home. I asked what he did and she told me he was running down the sidewalk with some kids instead of waiting at the bus stop like he was told to. I asked what else he did and she immediately snapped that she'd told him previously not to move from the bus stop and he needs to learn to do what he's told. She went on to say how she is not going to be legally responsive for an ass that won't listen to her. I told her that I couldn't talk any longer as I had a meeting I was going to be late to and that I'd call later. She was furious and texted me a few minutes later, telling me what a worthless father I was and not to call.

Later in the day I went to a dentist's appointment and after leaving got another text asking why the hell I didn't respond. I texted back, asking what was going on and was told 'my loss'. Being close to home I decided to postpone running some errands and went straight home to find an empty house. My wife had taken my daughter out for some errand but my son was due home any second. She didn't come back for another 45 minutes and major rain storms had been hitting the last few days. He would've been stuck outside if I hadn't decided to head home early.

She quickly came in and started yelling at him and I told her I handled it but she immediately started yelling at me about my lack of parenting. I told her if she was going to yell that I wasn't going to stand there and take it. I told her we could talk later but she just started yelling what a big fucking pussy i was, right in front of our son. I put my hands up in way of surrender, backed up, turned and started to walk away.

Then I heard her hit our son, who immediately started crying. From where they were standing and where he was holding his hands she had hit him in the face.

I immediately yelled and told her to stop and get her hands off of him. She responded by charging past me to the phone and said she was going to call my mom and tell her how fucked in the head i was and how I was contributing to his behavior by refusing to discipline him. Then she said she was going to call the police. Stunned, I told her that was insane, she'd just struck our son, not me.

At that point I realized I could hear our son crying hysterically in the other room. Confused, i told my wife as much and said I was going to check on him and that she need to put the damn phone down and if anyone was calling the police it was me.

As I turned to check on our son I heard a massive crash. My wife had taken my brand new 27" iMac and slammed it down and completely smashed the glass and display.

While she went upstairs I stood dumbfounded at what had just happened. I then ran into the other room to check on my son. His face was still red but he otherwise was ok. I got him calmed down and went to find my wife. She had locked herself in our bedroom and was talking to my mom, lying about how she was afraid for her and the kids and I had chased her in there and forced her to lock me out.

At that point it hit me that our marriage was over and that I needed to consider the kids. She ignored my requests to open the door and continued to try to provoke me by lying about what had happened. I collected myself and went back downstairs and checked on my son. He seemed a bit shaken so I talked with him for awhile and just told him I'd never leave him and that the hitting and yelling and name calling weren't going to happen any more.

My wife came down with her cell and told me if I'd calmed down enough that I could speak with my mother. I was absolutely stunned that she was so obviously posturing and painting a picture of a frail, sick wife hounded by her angry husband. My wife had never shown any type of behavior like this before, she use to be someone that i considered to be the most honest person i knew. I explained to my mom what really happened and over the next hour finally told her what had been happening over the last year or so. We live about a 6 hour drive away from my parents but they suspected something was up. We hadn't been home to see them in quite awhile (my wife has no relationship with her parents or family).

At this point it was late and I wasn't sure if I should call the police over her striking our son in the face and the destruction of the computer. I was (and still am) in such a fog I can't really think clearly. I don't know what to do at the moment but I made it clear to my mom that either way, the marriage was over… she recommended calling a lawyer this morning before I do anything.

After finally telling my mom what had been happening I realized how bad things really were. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed by the guilt of not having done something sooner or doing more to protect the kids. But I'm also worried as my wife has changed her mind and said she's not moving out until I get a psych evaluation. My biggest concern is that she's going to try to frame me as the angry psycho husband and take my daughter away. I keep telling myself that it's not likely as both kids openly admit they're scared of mom but I have this nagging doubt and have heard too many horror stories about husbands losing their kids. My son also told me he heard us arguing the night my wife hit me and described the whole thing in detail. He said he got out of bed and put his ear to the HVAC vent and heard her hit me and my stunned and repeated response of 'i can't believe you hit me'.

I know I'm not the perfect father or husband but I try really hard to improve every day and try not to quit on anything or anyone. I just can't believe that I'm sitting here typing this, knowing that I'll soon be an almost middle aged single father raising (hopefully) two kids on his own. I sincerely believed that I would never be someone who got a divorce. I naively believed divorces happened to other people that didn't try hard enough. I hope my wife realizes she needs help but I can let her hurt our kids any more.

I'm sorry Reddit, I have no one else to tell this to but i had to get it off my chest. Between this and the AMA no one knows more than you… It's almost 1AM but I'm going to wait to post this until Friday morning, I'm going to play a bit of Portal 2 to clear my head before I crash on the couch. I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer on how to cope, what I might do to help my kids cope and anything related to the coming divorce and what I can do to make sure I protect myself, the kids and get full custody.

Pre-post edit on what happened this morning: My wife was going to take the kids and leave due to my issues and actually called my family doctor and told them I was acting crazy and scaring her and the kids (not the case in any way shape or form). Told her I'd call the police if she tried to leave with them. She's also sending emails and texts to my parents and a co-worker of mine about how I'm bipolar and schizo and a big mess. To show I have nothing to hide, I agreed to go in and talk to my doctor and be evaluated this morning.

Took both kids with me, I was concerned my wife would take off with them. My son cried that he was missing school as he didn't want to stay home with her. He then said he wanted to stay away from me because mom told him I was sick. Explained to him that I was fine, just upset over what happened yesterday and just a bit tired... he was still bothered about my lost work and broken computer (more than the yelling and hitting). He couldn't believe how mad she was to do something like that.

Talked to the nurse (they put the kids in another room) and then talked to the doctor. She thinks i'm borderline depressed with everything i've been dealing with but is very concerned about the family overall. She discouraged me from escalating legally and involving the police for fear of making things worse but I told her that my biggest concern was for the kids well-being. I mentioned that when my wife started having seizures over a year ago things got a lot worse. I wasn't sure if it was the stress or the anti-seizure meds as my wife had never, ever acted like this before. I'm not sure what to do. My doctor wants my wife to come in and get checked out but I told her the biggest issue is that my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing. She insists the problem is me and the kids stressing her out.

I contacted my boss and then HR (both were enormously supportive), I'm taking some FLMA time off to regroup. The woman in HR gave me her personal cell# and the name of several psychologists and SW's that she thought could help.

My wife came down to talk to me after we got home and seemed surprised I wasn't kept on a psych hold. I told her what the doc told me about being borderline depressed and wanting to see her which she ignored before starting to accuse me of being the problem again.

I don't see how we can stay married at this point, she thinks there's nothing wrong with her behavior. I'm going to start by making some phone calls and lawyering up.

Last point, my wife has completely changed her personality as of this morning. She gave our son a big hug, the first affection i've seen in almost two years. And when the kids and I were sitting at the table drawing he showed her his drawing and she commented how wonderful it was (instead of 'why are you wasting your time drawing fantasies like some freak') as per normal. He's very confused as to why mom's being nice all the sudden.

EDIT: It's 11PM and i'm spent. i'll be on a bit this weekend but plan on spending the day outside with the kids. Found a few more highly recommended lawyers to add to the list that i'll be contacting.

EDIT #2: Saturday morning... I think my wife spoke with a lawyer on Friday, she slipped while asking if I picked one out yet. I'm going to tell her I'm going to work Monday but instead go and speak with whoever I can.

EDIT #3: 11:14PM, was on and responded to a few... back to working on my documentation for Monday.

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Update - Added by OOP to same post - 4 May 2011 (5 days later)

Complete roller coaster the last few days. wasn't going to fight for custody then she was. found out this morning that when she met with our family doctor on monday that she was given an ultimatum- go to family therapy or doc was calling CPS. I've asked 4 times and been denied 4 times, always with ridiculous excuses (no point, won't matter, they'll see how sick I really am [as in me, not her]). Left a message for the doctor about where we're at. She's got a lawyer and is meeting next week but I have two consultations in the next two days. And first thing I want to know is how to get her OUT. She's done some extremely hurtful things to our kids the last couple of days. She doesn't fucking care about them in the slightest. I'll post a full update in a new thread later. Too much shit has happend to keep adding here.

Comments

Do you think your wife even loves your kids?

>Our younger daughter maybe... but she rarely interacts with her. at best she'll take her on a short errand. as much as it pains me to write this... she hates our son. resents him in every way shape and form.

You need to take some concrete steps to move forward.

>I'm lawyering up and getting out asap. Just seeing the kids act more like themselves today while we were out getting lunch made me realize how bad it's been.

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