As a gay man, my advice to women...
I recently ended a relationship with a man I would not normally have dated. He was a construction worker, and I want to be clear: this is not a slight against construction workers. Work does not define a person’s emotional depth. What this relationship taught me, though, is that attraction is not enough. Chemistry is not enough. Masculinity is not enough. Sometimes you meet someone who may want connection, may even enjoy being loved, but does not have the emotional capacity to participate in a real relationship. Let me put it into context. Imagine every colour you can think of. Some people have a wide emotional colour range. They can see fuchsia, mauve, burgundy, lavender, rose, violet, and every subtle shade in between. Others have a much smaller range. Many have been conditioned to limit what they can see. So when you say fuchsia, they see red. When you say mauve, they see purple. If you push them, they might say, “light purple,” but they still cannot see the difference. That is how some people are with emotions. They do not lack feelings entirely. They simply have a limited capacity to name them, understand them, hold them, or respond to them with depth. By emotional capacity, I mean the ability to be honest with yourself, to communicate without shutting down, to receive love without feeling threatened by it, and to understand that another person’s care is not a transaction or a trap. Some men want the comfort of love without the responsibility of intimacy. They want to be cared for, desired, and understood, but they do not know how to offer the same emotional presence in return. And I believe there is a modern reason for some of this. I blame hookup culture. Hookups are immediate. They are transactional. They are body-based. They are low obligation, low accountability, easy to enter, easy to exit, and emotionally compartmentalized. I saw him transposing these traits to love and it doesn't work. Hook ups are about compartmentalization. Each hook up is compartmentalized and one does not build upon another where as love is building continuity and this is a concept that is foreign to men if they live in the hook up (like mine did). But love requires continuity. Love asks questions: What do I give back? How do I protect this? How do I make the other person feel safe too? How do I show up when it is not convenient? How do I build something over time? And don't get me wrong, he wanted to lean towards real love but he didn't have the capacity to see beyond hook up behavior. And when someone has been trained to experience intimacy as something temporary, convenient, and disposable, real love can feel overwhelming. When someone loves them deeply, they may not rise to meet it. They may retreat. They may sabotage it. They may reduce it to something smaller because that is all they are able to hold. That has been one of the hardest lessons for me: not every man who wants to be loved is capable of loving well. And sometimes the most painful thing is realizing that someone saw your love, felt it, benefited from it, and still could not become the kind of man who could honour it.
UPDATE: I should add that I am older and he was younger. We had a 30 year age difference and he said that type of love that I offer doesn't exist in his generation. He's Gen Z and most of his Gen Z friends who know our situation agreed. In fact, one of his Gen Z acquaintances (I wouldn't say friend because this is a scumbag move) just hit me up for a date because he like the type of guy I was in the relationship. Here we are both hurting from a break up and you're going behind his back and hitting on me?
So this is what I am learning from dating this man: before giving someone your heart, pay attention not only to whether they desire you, but whether they have the emotional capacity to protect what you are offering. They are out there but here would be my screener questions (don't do on first date but in email , chats etc):
“When was the last time someone told you that you hurt them, and how did you respond?” This is one of the best questions. A man with emotional capacity can say, “I got defensive at first, but then I listened.” A man without it will say, “People are too sensitive,” “I don’t do drama,” or “I didn’t hurt them, they misunderstood.”
“What does being emotionally available mean to you?” Listen for whether he understands consistency, communication, honesty, and accountability. If he says, “I’m chill,” “I just go with the flow,” or “I don’t like labels,” that may mean he wants access without responsibility.
“How do you handle conflict in a relationship?” Green flag: “I need time to cool down, but I come back and talk.” Red flag: “I avoid conflict,” “I shut down,” “I disappear,” or “I hate arguing.” Conflict avoidance often becomes emotional abandonment.
“What did your last relationship teach you about yourself?” A mature man has learned something about himself. An emotionally limited man usually only tells you what was wrong with the other person.
“When you care about someone, how do you show it?” This helps you see whether his version of love is active or passive. Does he show care through effort, listening, protection, consistency, and thoughtfulness? Or does he think simply being around is enough?
“What do you need when you feel overwhelmed?” This reveals whether he has self-awareness. A good answer might be, “I need space, but I’ll tell you that rather than disappearing.” A bad answer is, “I don’t get overwhelmed,” or “I just shut everyone out.”
“Do you find it easy or hard to receive love?” This is especially important for the Oliver type. Some men want love, but when they receive it, they feel exposed, indebted, trapped, or unworthy. You need to know whether being loved makes him soften or panic.
“What makes you feel safe with someone?” A man with depth can answer this. A man with limited emotional range may not even understand the question.
“What does commitment mean to you?” Do not let him answer vaguely. “Loyalty” is not enough. Ask: “What does that look like day to day?” You are looking for continuity, not romance talk.
“When someone gives a lot (emotionally/physically)to you, how do you usually respond?”
I hope my advice helps.