u/The_Smile_4784

I use a spritz bottle on my face throughout the day because my skin is so dry. Anything I can add to the water to make it more hydrating??

Ive been dating a great guy I met on bumble for about 5 months. I’d say he is more of a traditionalist than me, I’m more open to different ways of being, but I like a lot of his values. However, this is one thing we seem to really disagree on to the point it might end things.

My last relationship lasted for ten years and I basically dated a man child. I remember the first time I very kindly offered to do his laundry and he criticized and ridiculed me for the way I folded. Flash forward we are living together and I did absolutely everything to maintain the household on a regular basis. I like things clean, not obsessively, but I find peace in a tidy household. He had different priorities so I found myself cleaning up after this person all of the time. His habits were really bad. If I did manage to convince him to do dishes or vacuum, I had to really praise him for his job otherwise I’d get sneers and cold shoulder treatment. So when I finally left this relationship I told myself that unless it’s clear that the other person has a certain standard for cleanliness, which isnt that high imo, I refuse to live with them. We can date. We can live close. We can visit each other and have sleep overs and a great time. But I refuse to pick up after another person.

As wonderful as my current BF is, he unfortunately, is also a slob. He smokes, has stated he doesn’t like to do dishes, hates laundry, hates it all. He likes cooking but hates scrubbing pots or loading the washer. Great. When we first started dating I noticed how much he doesn’t care about a clean household, but I ignored it because I adore him so much. But now that we are serious, I have to be practical.

So just now we got into a conflict over this and he hung up on me. We live separately and were talking about our future and I told him how I never want to live with a guy who doesn’t like to clean. If we do, we have to hire someone to come and clean every week. Period.

He messaged me after he hung up and told me that we are looking for different things, so why try? He wants our lives intertwined, but I want separate households, at least to start. He refuses this prospect and essentially me and that really broke my heart. I’m not trying to be difficult, but protective, I guess.

Can anyone offer some advice or shine a new light on this situation? I really don’t want to end things. Maybe I’m being too rigid. But it’s a standard thing and I don’t want to compromise. I spent so much time and energy before, I can’t do it again. These are habits that don’t change easily in adults.

I did with my ex one time and it was a very bizarre experience. I had such a hard time understanding the desperation behind needing the praise and acknowledgment he wasn’t getting in this particular instance that caused his collapse and I guess left him feeling like he had nothing, even though he had everything! He was a successful attorney who had love from me and close friends, could do anything he wanted, but he got put in a spot where his power and control got limited and ultimately taken away because of this collapse. It caused him to spiral to the point where I got really concerned and had to call in a close friend to intervene and that kinda helped, but not really. He even went into therapy because of this, which is rare for narcissistic people, but he decided he didn’t like the therapist after a few sessions. His only problem was that he wasn’t getting his ego stroked the way he wanted and was calling people to write emails about how great he was. That was the only moment he saw light—when he was reading these emails that praised him.

Has anyone else witnessed this type of collapse? How did it make you feel and how did it happen?

My understanding is that chronic narcissism is a developmental phenomenon where the person feels such deep shame (usually stemmed from trauma, but not always) that they adapt defensive mechanisms that shield them from feeling and expressing that shame.

I think we can all agree shame is a pretty common feeling. I have a disorder that causes me to pull my hair out, so I know what intense shame feels like. I’m sure you have something going on that causes strong feelings of shame, but you don’t consider yourself narcissistic and likely arent.

Why do people who are considered highly narcissistic so afraid to experience their shame? It makes me wonder if there is something happening in the fear part of their brain that feels more intense to the point their personality needs to develop in such a way that interferes with fear—basically an internal avoidance system. I also wonder if chronic narcissism is more of a result of this coupling of a faulty fear system and the part of the brain that controls empathy, since that’s a keystone in identifying narcissism.

I’m moreso curious what you think about a narc’s relationship to shame and if they feel it differently than most other people.

Hello good people!

I’ve been going down this rabbit hole learning about FAS which was prompted because of a new relationship I’m just starting with a really lovely man, who I always noticed was a little different (part of the reason I love him, but I do see a lot of challenges).

His backstory is he grew up in an eastern European orphanage until the age of 6 where he was adopted by an American family and grew up in the states. He talks a lot about his life, but it was only recently he mentioned that his dad is pretty convinced him and his sister have FAS. His dad apparently met his bio mom and she was a severe alcoholic. His adopted dad is a therapist and so he strongly believe my boyfriend has FAS.

When he went more in depth about his diagnosis the other day I started asking him questions such as what does this mean for him developmentally and he started to describe ways in which he is “wired differently” like lack of impulse control. Of course I’ve noticed differences in his behavior, but I always chalked it up to growing up in an institute where he wasn’t even touched as a baby. But once I started reading about FAS, everything clicked.

There are some things I find particularly problematic like his very quick temper, lack of impulse control and compulsive behaviors, complete lack of organizational skills, memory issues and although we can do fun things on a spontaneous level, planning things ahead is challenging. Hes also a little…odd. Again, I love him for being quirky and different, but he sometimes rubs up against other people the wrong way and even with me he doesn’t understand certain social things that most other people seem to get no problem. Like, he pushed past personal boundaries without realizing that might make another person uncomfortable. He’ll do things like squeal directly in my ear because he thinks it’s cute and funny, but it will really bug me and I need to get away. He’ll also barge into the bathroom without knocking, that type of thing. If I mention how these things bother me, he gets cranky and depressed, blows up on me, but then comes back really remorseful. Although these social issues have led to marred relationships, many lost jobs and even some trouble with the law. Out of all things, it’s this lack of understanding that even though he doesn’t think what he is doing is a big deal, others really do. His whole thought process is “it’s not a big deal to me so it shouldn’t be to you.”

I’m trying to envision a future for us that works. If you have any advice to give me on how to be more productive, compassionate and understanding without my compromising my own sense of self, please do share. I’ve dealt with a lot of different personalities while dating. He might be different, but he is not malicious or ill intended. He’s just, for lack of a better word, different.