u/Technical_World_5965

HELP: I’m (19F), premed at a pretty prestigious university, and I genuinely feel like helicopter parenting has emotionally destroyed me.

I’m a rising junior now. This summer I’m working 3 part-time jobs, doing research/clinical stuff, trying to build my med school application, etc. My school is only 20 minutes from home, so this past year I had to commute because my parents didn’t trust me enough to live independently after what happened during sophomore fall.

For context: sophomore fall I got mostly As but also two Cs, and around that same time my parents found out I had a white boyfriend and had slept with him. My parents are extremely religious and traditional Asian parents, and they completely lost it. They pulled me out of school that same day, took my phone/car/everything, threatened to withdraw me from school entirely, and basically treated me like I ruined my life.

I ended up running away to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for a bit because I genuinely felt trapped. Eventually things calmed down enough for me to move back home and “make up” with them, but honestly nothing feels normal anymore.

Today things blew up again. My boyfriend had gotten frustrated at how controlling they were and said some angry things about them over text. Somehow my parents screamed at me long enough that I unlocked my phone, and they went through all of our messages. They saw conversations about us being intimate and started telling me I was “characterless,” that I had sinned, that having a boyfriend at my age meant I had no morals, etc.

They told me he was only using me because I “gave myself” to him, that I’d get pregnant and ruin my life, and that I was destroying their reputation. My mom literally said that even if I live on campus again, any time after class before I come home would just be used to “have intimate time” with my boyfriend. So now I’m terrified they’re going to force me to commute again, which honestly makes no sense.

I don’t even know how to drive because my parents never really let me become independent, which somehow makes me feel even more trapped during all of this.

At one point during an argument my mom threw a skillet pan at me. My parents also have really intense mood swings where things can feel normal for a while and then suddenly explode again out of nowhere. My mom is the only one who works and there’s a lot of tension in my house because of it, which I think makes everything worse.

The thing is, I DO want to go to med school. I care about school a lot. I worked insanely hard this semester and got all As and one B-. I’m working multiple jobs this summer and trying to build a future for myself. But I also want to be a normal 19-year-old. I want to study hard and still be able to spend time with my friends and boyfriend without feeling like I’m evil or ruining my life.

What hurts the most is that my boyfriend literally goes to the same university as me — a T20 school with an acceptance rate under 5% — and somehow my parents now talk about getting into this school like it ruined my life instead of being one of my biggest accomplishments.

There are honestly so many other things that have happened that I’m not even mentioning here, but this is what’s going on right now. I know immigrant/Asian parents sacrifice a lot for their kids, and I know they think they’re protecting me. But I constantly feel like my worth is conditional. Like I’m only lovable if I’m academically perfect and culturally “pure.”

I feel exhausted all the time. Has anyone else dealt with parents who love you but also make you feel trapped? And how do you even start becoming independent when you’ve been made to feel guilty for wanting a normal life?

HELP: I’m (19F), premed at a pretty prestigious university, and I genuinely feel like helicopter parenting has emotionally destroyed me.

I’m a rising junior now. This summer I’m working 3 part-time jobs, doing research/clinical stuff, trying to build my med school application, etc. My school is only 20 minutes from home, so this past year I had to commute because my parents didn’t trust me enough to live independently after what happened during sophomore fall.

For context: sophomore fall I got mostly As but also two Cs, and around that same time my parents found out I had a white boyfriend and had slept with him. My parents are extremely religious and traditional Asian parents, and they completely lost it. They pulled me out of school that same day, took my phone/car/everything, threatened to withdraw me from school entirely, and basically treated me like I ruined my life.

I ended up running away to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for a bit because I genuinely felt trapped. Eventually things calmed down enough for me to move back home and “make up” with them, but honestly nothing feels normal anymore.

Today things blew up again. My boyfriend had gotten frustrated at how controlling they were and said some angry things about them over text. Somehow my parents screamed at me long enough that I unlocked my phone, and they went through all of our messages. They saw conversations about us being intimate and started telling me I was “characterless,” that I had sinned, that having a boyfriend at my age meant I had no morals, etc.

They told me he was only using me because I “gave myself” to him, that I’d get pregnant and ruin my life, and that I was destroying their reputation. My mom literally said that even if I live on campus again, any time after class before I come home would just be used to “have intimate time” with my boyfriend. So now I’m terrified they’re going to force me to commute again, which honestly makes no sense.

I don’t even know how to drive because my parents never really let me become independent, which somehow makes me feel even more trapped during all of this.

At one point during an argument my mom threw a skillet pan at me. My parents also have really intense mood swings where things can feel normal for a while and then suddenly explode again out of nowhere. My mom is the only one who works and there’s a lot of tension in my house because of it, which I think makes everything worse.

The thing is, I DO want to go to med school. I care about school a lot. I worked insanely hard this semester and got all As and one B-. I’m working multiple jobs this summer and trying to build a future for myself. But I also want to be a normal 19-year-old. I want to study hard and still be able to spend time with my friends and boyfriend without feeling like I’m evil or ruining my life.

What hurts the most is that my boyfriend literally goes to the same university as me — a T20 school with an acceptance rate under 5% — and somehow my parents now talk about getting into this school like it ruined my life instead of being one of my biggest accomplishments.

There are honestly so many other things that have happened that I’m not even mentioning here, but this is what’s going on right now. I know immigrant/Asian parents sacrifice a lot for their kids, and I know they think they’re protecting me. But I constantly feel like my worth is conditional. Like I’m only lovable if I’m academically perfect and culturally “pure.”

I feel exhausted all the time. Has anyone else dealt with parents who love you but also make you feel trapped? And how do you even start becoming independent when you’ve been made to feel guilty for wanting a normal life?