u/TasteNo8764

This might sound like such a stupid/selfish thing to say, but I still can't get over a break-up that I initiated a little less than 5 years ago.

There was a guy I met in elementary school, with whom we became friends, which later turned into a couple. He was my soulmate, we could talk for hours and hours and still feel like we could talk for eternity. We spent as much time as we could together, I loved being with him and I believe he loved being with me.

Unfortunately, I had some mental health issues and not the best period of my life, I became suicidal and was pretty set on ending it all. I though I'd spare him the heartbreak (partially) and end the relationship earlier than dying, so that he wouldn't think it was connected with him (it wasn't in any way at all), if he ever even found out I died.

He was not happy to say the least, and I know that I hurt him and that he loved me back. I know I should have told him the real reason I was doing this, and I should have accepted help, but I was young, stupid and delirious.

We did hang out I few times after that, which was wonderful, but I still felt I was giving him false hope of a relationship, that could never be.

So obviously, here I am, very much alive. I worked through my issues and did get a bit better (at least I'm not suicidal anymore, so that's good). And after I got my wiring working again, I realized how much of a fucking idiot I had been.

I keep thinking back to what we had, to the endless convesations, to holding hands, to kisses, to long walks, to sleeping next to one another. I truly did love him, and I still do.

I contacted him two years ago (yes I still have his number), briefly coming clean about my reasonings for the break-up, to which he just responded that he had nothing to say to me. And that was it.

I know he probably moved on, which is fine. What's not fine is that I can't. It's so stupid, but I keep dreaming that one day I might bump into him by some miracle, or that he might contact me himself.

I guess my post-rant question is HOW, how do I move on? For context, I am living a pretty full life, I have good family relationships, I have quite a few good friends, whom I see regularly, I have a nice job that I love, do sport, eat well, walk in nature daily, learn new stuff, have hobbies, travel when I have the chance... but that relationship haunts me still. What do I do? Will it ever go away?

This might sound like such a stupid/selfish thing to say, but I still can't get over a break-up that I initiated a little less than 5 years ago.

There was a guy I met in elementary school, with whom we became friends, which later turned into a couple. He was my soulmate, we could talk for hours and hours and still feel like we could talk for eternity. We spent as much time as we could together, I loved being with him and I believe he loved being with me.

Unfortunately, I had some mental health issues and not the best period of my life, I became suicidal and was pretty set on ending it all. I though I'd spare him the heartbreak (partially) and end the relationship earlier than dying, so that he wouldn't think it was connected with him (it wasn't in any way at all), if he ever even found out I died.

He was not happy to say the least, and I know that I hurt him and that he loved me back. I know I should have told him the real reason I was doing this, and I should have accepted help, but I was young, stupid and delirious.

We did hang out I few times after that, which was wonderful, but I still felt I was giving him false hope of a relationship, that could never be.

So obviously, here I am, very much alive. I worked through my issues and did get a bit better (at least I'm not suicidal anymore, so that's good). And after I got my wiring working again, I realized how much of a fucking idiot I had been.

I keep thinking back to what we had, to the endless convesations, to holding hands, to kisses, to long walks, to sleeping next to one another. I truly did love him, and I still do.

I contacted him two years ago (yes I still have his number), briefly coming clean about my reasonings for the break-up, to which he just responded that he had nothing to say to me. And that was it.

I know he probably moved on, which is fine. What's not fine is that I can't. It's so stupid, but I keep dreaming that one day I might bump into him by some miracle, or that he might contact me himself.

I guess my post-rant question is HOW, how do I move on? For context, I am living a pretty full life, I have good family relationships, I have quite a few good friends, whom I see regularly, I have a nice job that I love, do sport, eat well, walk in nature daily, learn new stuff, have hobbies, travel when I have the chance... but that relationship haunts me still. What do I do? Will it ever go away?

I'm a very young person, 21 y.o. and believe it or not, I have NEVER lost anyone to death, ever at all. I have four grandparents, both parents, my aunts and uncles, siblings, cousins, friends. The only people whom I've known and who since have passed, were the ones I wasn't close with, found out a few years after the fact and never really cared too much.

I'm extremely anxious as it is, specifically of death, mine or that of my loved ones. And I feel this cloud of doom looming over me. I know many people go through loss at much younger ages than me, and I bet it messes them up good. I know I'm so so lucky and I should just cherish this while I still have it, as my granparents' health keeps deteriorating with each passing year.

It feels like it's going to hit me, hit me hard, and I don't know when or how or how to handle it or how to prepare for it. And it makes me feel so terrified. Does anyone have any advice how to ease this? How to prepare?