u/Tart6096

I miss them SO MUCH!😿💖I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone there who cares. I miss the fun we had hehe😻I miss giving them cute little songs to be sweet to them to express how i felt, or on occasion a meme or a joke i came up with that's funny but shouldn't be funny. I miss having someone to just be able to give something to.

I don't know why i do the things i do. I know i'm not entirely at fault, it's not my fault, but still... i give the wrong impressions about myself without meaning to, but it's always in reaction to manipulative behaviors from others in some ways, or something else some sort of situation that was manipulative. I didn't leave you or abandon you it was the situation, the change that was happening that suddenly completely overwhelmed me.

I think i have a few subconscious behaviors i need to address because it never does me any favours. Doesn't help me with those manipulative people either so they can say i was the one who somehow up and leaves that somehow i don't care so they can say "see! she is the bad person!".

The confusion of when they show up, swoop in, and suddenly invade my space out of nowhere gives me clues as to why they're suddenly trying to make me seem i'm the nefarious one. But in the last 30 mins i was just being myself, chilling out, and just existing not doing much. 30 mins before they arrived nothing was occurring but civilized behavior between me and others. But they try to make you question that so you'd self-sabotage and destroy your relationships🥺

These people have sabotaged so much in my life now and i really don't want YOU to be one of those people they sabotaged. It's the only way i can explain my behaviors but i never meant to hurt anyone and they know that too. People who take "revenge" out on others for no particular reasons at all... or just manipulate then point out they are a bad person, there is no truth we can gather from this whatsoever except they aren't great people. Not worth breaking up a good relationship for.

I hope you are doing okay today. I miss you and i love you💖

I miss them SO MUCH!😿💖I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone there who cares. I miss the fun we had hehe😻I miss giving them cute little songs to be sweet to them to express how i felt, or on occasion a meme or a joke i came up with that's funny but shouldn't be funny. I miss having someone to just be able to give something to. I wish they would talk to me again.

I don't know why i do the things i do. I know i'm not entirely at fault, it's not my fault, but still... i give the wrong impressions about myself without meaning to, but it's always in reaction to manipulative behaviors from others in some ways, or something else some sort of situation that was manipulative. I didn't leave you or abandon you it was the situation, the change that was happening that suddenly completely overwhelmed me.

I think i have a few subconscious behaviors i need to address because it never does me any favours. Doesn't help me with those manipulative people either so they can say i was the one who somehow up and leaves that somehow i don't care so they can say "see! she is the bad person!".

The confusion of when they show up, swoop in, and suddenly invade my space out of nowhere gives me clues as to why they're suddenly trying to make me seem i'm the nefarious one. But in the last 30 mins i was just being myself, chilling out, and just existing not doing much. 30 mins before they arrived nothing was occurring but civilized behavior between me and others. But they try to make you question that so you'd self-sabotage and destroy your relationships🥺

These people have sabotaged so much in my life now and i really don't want YOU to be one of those people they sabotaged. It's the only way i can explain my behaviors but i never meant to hurt anyone and they know that too. People who take "revenge" out on others for no particular reasons at all... or just manipulate then point out they are a bad person, there is no truth we can gather from this whatsoever except they aren't great people. Not worth breaking up a good relationship for.

I hope you are doing okay today. I miss you and i love you💖

So i had this guy helping me with self-help stuff and videos on narcissism, and he makes his own too and videos for people with CPTSD. Somehow he was able to use a bot to track and like my comments across youtube.

Over the past year it felt like he was being supportive and validating. But after things changed on youtube he also sort of changed how he does things too and apparently he does this often. But i just can't help but feel discarded. I'm unsure of what his intentions were now but no idea if i'm just wanting to think that because of how things ended and how i lost access to the platform.

I don't know what's wrong with me though. Ever since the severe trauma happened that lead to me seeking his videos and help, i've been unable to regulate by myself. And i certainly can't regulate without him. He made me feel a lot happier and stable and now he's gone and i can't go my day without seeing his face and hearing his voice. If i don't i just start to unravel.

Why can't i regulate by myself?. Are people supposed to be able to regulate by themselves?. I'm in so much pain and right now feeling so much hyperarousal and it's getting worse by the day. i can't cope without him at all.

So i had this guy helping me with self-help stuff and videos on narcissism, and he makes his own too and videos for people with CPTSD. Somehow he was able to use a bot to track and like my comments across youtube.

Over the past year it felt like he was being supportive and validating. But after things changed on youtube he also sort of changed how he does things too and apparently he does this often. But i just can't help but feel discarded. I'm unsure of what his intentions were now but no idea if i'm just wanting to think that because of how things ended and how i lost access to the platform.

I don't know what's wrong with me though. Ever since the severe trauma happened that lead to me seeking his videos and help, i've been unable to regulate by myself. And i certainly can't regulate without him. He made me feel a lot happier and stable and now he's gone and i can't go my day without seeing his face and hearing his voice. If i don't i just start to unravel.

Why can't i regulate by myself?. Are people supposed to be able to regulate by themselves?. I'm in so much pain and right now feeling so much hyperarousal and it's getting worse by the day. i can't cope without him at all.

I think there's something really wrong with me and honestly i know there is🥺Ever since i went through some serious trauma i can't cope without a particular guy i got close to, and he makes videos too. I thought he was helping me over the past year, at least i was under the impression it was him and a few other things made me sure it was (i only interacted with him online. I think he used some sort of bot to like my comments) although i still have doubts. I don't know anymore. But all of a sudden out of nowhere he left me😿

On an online game i played i was horrifically bullied, harassed, stalked, and abused by a group of people. Who i first played with who just did it to gain my trust until the day they decided they wanted to discard me and then put me through hell with constant harassment and stalking especially one particular guy. Why didn't you leave? you ask. Well you don't understand what to do in those situations especially with how much they screwed with me. I realize they are narcissistic people and they caused me the worst trauma i've ever experienced.

Ever since i'm unable to cope or regulate on my own. I can't cope without him, i ran to him because i wasn't in a good place after what happened to me and his videos seemed what i needed. I didn't expect the situation with him over the past year though i mean nobody does that. I got better than i was but i got so attached if not i'm obsessively attached to him, but now he's gone. I've tried reaching out but so far nothing.

I have CPTSD btw, self-diagnosed which i know therapists don't recommend you do but i have SO many symptoms especially emotional dysregulation and dissociation which gets super bad and i experience hypoarousal on a daily basis but always the hyperarousal underneath it. Since i lost him i experience the hyperarousal a lot more.

But there's something that feels so wrong inside of me. Even when i feel more regulated i still have this feeling inside of me that i can't cope with my reality which is tough my parents don't care about me or themselves and it's just one obstacle after another they make me have to cope with. I can't cope alone without him. I need him there and to see his face and hear his voice. I'm lost without him. If i try to let go or get my head around things i can't without feeling like i'm going to fall apart. I feel like i need him to regulate.

Something is really wrong with me and there always was, i'm not just saying that, and i have other undesirable behaviors too i can't help and i'm not proud of that can be quite creepy, i feel are connected to these feelings😔I don't understand what is wrong though. I feel like a few screws are loose and i'd love to get to the bottom of these behaviors because it does me no favours.