u/Sylvaine666

i’m still so gutted i missed the istanbul show... literally my biggest regret right now because thou is easily one of my favorite bands ever. i’ve been coping by obsessively rewatching this ottobar set and the pro audio is such a godsend. you can actually hear the tone layering and that disgusting low-end clarity that usually just sounds like mud in bootlegs.

i haven't managed to catch them live yet but this video is the next best thing the energy in that room looks incredible and the umbilical tracks sound even more visceral than the studio versions.

FFO: Wagner Ödegård, Gudsforladt, Ebony Pendant

this track is just pure magic it feels like something ancient being unearthed from the dirt. there's a specific kind of rhythmic, primitive energy here that i'm obsessed with. honestly nothing else sounds this tactile and strange. i löve yoü Wagner Ödegård

FFO: wulkanaz, arckanum, kêres, lamp of murmuur

started concerta recently (27mg extended release) and yesterday i had the worst emotional crash so far. i was sleep deprived, barely ate properly during the day, was outside/social all day and suddenly became extremely overwhelmed/emotional over small things and felt physically exhausted too

today i understand that sleep + hydration + eating regularly probably affected it a LOT, but i wanted to ask people who have been on concerta longer:

what do you do to prevent crashes/emotional overload during long busy days? especially when you’re outside all day at events/school/work etc.

just stumbled on this. experimental black metal from quebec. really interesting use of atmosphere and some unconventional structures. caught me off guard in a good way definitely worth checking out if you want something that feels a bit different.

one of my favorite ultha tracks, the atmosphere on this is unreal

i didn’t expect it to feel like this so i wanted to share a bit

i have inattentive adhd, got officially diagnosed 3 days ago. i was on wellbutrin for like 2 years before this, then we switched to concerta (27mg for now)

the biggest thing i notice is how quiet my brain gets. like the constant background noise is just lower. it feels kind of unreal

also something i didn’t expect at all is that i’m more talkative?? i used to rehearse everything in my head before speaking, overthink every sentence, and now i just… say things. it feels like i’m unmasking a bit and i actually like that. masking made me really quiet, socially anxious, always monitoring myself, so this feels more natural. i feel like i’m finally a bit more myself

but it’s not perfect obviously. i can focus, but i have to guide it or it just locks onto random things. it doesn’t magically make me productive

physically i feel a bit activated too, like my hands need to be doing something all the time

emotionally it’s mixed. part of me feels relief like “oh this is what a quiet brain feels like”, but part of me feels kind of blank and unsure what to do with it yet

also my social anxiety feels different. it’s still there but i’m not stuck in my head the same way

i think the hardest part is starting things. i’ve been in kind of a freeze response for a long time and it made me lose a lot of trust in myself. in high school i was undiagnosed but i was more ambitious, i would try systems like bullet journals, calendars etc even if they collapsed. now i don’t even feel the point sometimes because of how many times it didn’t work

trying not to overanalyze since it’s literally day 2, just observing for now

curious if anyone had a similar experience (especially switching from wellbutrin) and if you have any advice for the “can’t start / freeze” part

I’m 24 and I just got my Inattentive ADHD diagnosis. I thought I’d feel a sense of relief but honestly I’m just sitting here with this massive wave of grief. I’ve spent my whole life fighting a war inside my head without knowing I was missing the right tools and I’m just now realizing how much that cost me. Looking back I was the classic quiet, well behaved kid who was always lost in a book. Reading was my only escape it was how I survived a world that felt too loud. But because I wasn't disruptive, no one saw my struggle. My older brother was diagnosed as a child because he was hyperactive. Since his struggle was visible, people were more patient with him. I was the "normal" one left to figure everything out alone.

My childhood was defined by conflict with my mom because I was messy and forgetful. I recently looked back at my high school journals, and it’s heartbreaking. Every single page is me desperately begging myself to change, to stop being messy and to finally stick to a routine. I tried so hard but my systems would always collapse after a week. It saddens me how much energy I spent on that cycle of self hate.

I masked well enough to get through high school but everything crashed in university for Design. In design school your work is your identity. Having to be creative every day while facing constant critiques and long vague deadlines is agonizing. The strange thing is I’ve had success. posters in exhibitions, commissions for musicians, working with labels but my brain "deletes" these wins immediately. I feel like a fraud even when I’m producing.

The burnout got so bad that I dropped three semesters. I fell into a massive CPTSD freeze response because of 6 years of childhood bullying. When I feel perceived or judged by an authority figure like a professor, I literally get stuck in my own body. I stopped going to school because the shame of being "seen" while struggling was too much.

I’m trying to go back now but honestly, I don't know how to move forward after failing this much. I’m forcing myself to show up to prove that everyone’s timeline is their own but I’m just so burnt out from 24 years of fighting alone. I’ve tried to rebuild my life so many times that I’m scared to even hope anymore.

How do you handle the grief of looking at your younger self and seeing how hard you were trying to "fix" yourself?

How do you manage the "shame-freeze" in creative fields where your work is constantly critiqued?

How do you find the strength to move forward when you feel like you’ve failed too many times to count?

Thanks for listening. I just needed to feel understood today.

(i had to use an ai to help me translate some parts of this because my english isn't enough to describe everything i'm feeling, these are all my own thoughts)