u/Suspicious-Noodle30

I am afraid of new situations or unfamiliar places. But not because I'm afraid of having a panic attack or being helpless. Also, I'm not confined to my home at all and I can go to many new places just fine.

My problem is that I'm afraid of specific new situations, particularly ones that are highly unpredictable. For example, when I was younger my friends from church invited me to a party at their house. I knew everyone who would be attending, but I had never been to my friend's house before. The thought and fear of going made me so anxious that I started shaking and crying. This has happened almost every time I'm suddenly invited somewhere I've never been.

I'm afraid because I have no idea what to expect, I have no idea how I'm expected to act, I don't know how people are going to talk to me and how I'm supposed to talk to them in this situation. Also, I don't know if I'm allowed to eat, drink, I don't know the etiquette of their house and I'm not great at picking up on unspoken rules so I'm afraid of offending them accidentally. Essentially, there are just so many unpredictable variables that it is very overwhelming to me. There is so much that could go wrong and I don't know how to plan ahead for things in case they do go wrong because I have no idea what to expect. This has been a struggle of mine for years and has prevented me from maintaining friendships, starting new jobs, etc.

However, after looking into the diagnostic criteria for agoraphobia, this doesn't quite seem like it fits. But, I don't know what else it could be. I have a history of panic attacks, but they do not seem to be the source of whatever this is (in fact, it's the other way around). I'm not afraid necessarily of having a panic attack in these unfamiliar places. It's more of a general fear of the unknown, I'd say, of everything that could possibly go wrong and specifically because I can't predict what will happen and cannot prepare.

I am 23 years old, out of college, and currently have a part time job as a fitness instructor. My degree in college was a pre-engineering associate's degree. I graduated about a year ago. My plan was to take a year off and then transfer to another school to finish my bachelor's in mechanical engineering.

However, I have not pursued that at all. In fact, I've stopped pursuing nearly everything and now I don't know how to care about things again.

I've been told by others that I have a lot of potential. Growing up, I had big ambitions and an insatiable desire to learn and to understand the world. I've also always been an over-thinker, constantly analyzing everything with an inquisitive mind. I was also pressured as a kid to do well in school and in life because I grew up poor.

But now as an adult, learning feels extremely difficult, almost agonizing. When I think about reading a book, or watching a documentary, or doing something that would require me to think, it makes me anxious. My daily life consists of basic chores/errands, watching tv/content, and working. I don't even think much anymore. I just kind of do things. I spend hours watching tv or random meaningless videos on the internet. I feel like I'm wasting my life. Cumulatively, I've probably wasted entire years of my life watching meaningless entertainment. I've wasted time that could have been spent learning or becoming more educated/better. When I think about this, it makes me feel a little bit sad that I haven't read a book in a long time, that I haven't walked in the park, that I haven't even cared to learn about science or history or the things that used to pique my curiosity.

Within the past couple of years I've become aware of how avoidant I am in all regards. I avoid my own feelings, I avoid conflict, I avoid everything. I distract myself in the form of watching tv and obsessing over tv shows and characters, and by constantly thinking about them. It should be worth noting that I have a history of DPDR as well. I'm aware that I distract myself, but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to confront reality. Maybe I am afraid of my life feeling meaningless, maybe I'm afraid of feeling anything at all. I don't know.