Type me.
MBTI: ISFJ.
I will start a bachelors degree program - though I am still meeting with different counselors to weigh out my options - next year. I actually had a meeting recently with a counselor at a different university, but I will likely choose the one that has a shorter commute in the end. I am also conflicted because the other school’s counselor I spoke to was basically telling me that at their school I would really only have the option of continuing with early childhood education in different concentrations (my associates degree this year will be in child development.) I know that I do not want to become a preschool teacher, and am really not even so sure anymore that I see myself actually wanting to work with children primarily in the longterm. If I did end up continuing with early childhood education I may want to have a concentration in special education, as I have enjoyed helping the children I have babysat out in improving their reading skills (I’m not trained in this regard but have surprisingly been told by one of the parents - the parent whose kiddo I am mainly with - that I actually did help their child make a significant amount of progress when we had been focusing more on their reading.) One of them actually does have ADHD which their mother was honest with me about having more recently gotten them medicated for in spite of the fact that she was hesitant, and neither has a diagnosed learning disability to my knowledge, but I may want to work with children who do have things like dyslexia in the future, and early childhood education with a special ed concentration could teach me more about how to support students who have learning disabilities.
My TikTok is “misstay783” if you want to get a good feel for how I behave around other people.
I developed depression and anxiety at the age of nine after dealing with an existential life crisis - this had actually happened when we were staying in a hotel much like I had with my family more recently. I remember I had gotten to thinking about it when I was feeling homesick, and realized that one day my parents would grow old and eventually die, that I was eventually going to be on my own. I was a child, so this thought was of course scary to me (though the thought occurs to me as I think about it that there are some kids - not most, but some - who may have a personality that would lead to them having a slightly easier time accepting this than I did.) I am still dealing with it as an adult in addition to mild sleep apnea, but I actually think that I do an alright job of pushing through it. I am in an apartment with a roommate for the first time at $1250/mo, and I am actually pretty quiet. I have thanked her (she is an older lady, I was not so “sure” about it in the beginning but I decided to just give it a chance even though I know deep down inside that I’d prefer to live on my own,) multiple times for doing things like having the cleaning lady change my bedsheets, organizing my clothing while I was out, etc. I actually wasn’t paranoid about any of that. I understand that she means well. I was worried that how quiet I’d been tonight may have made her think I dislike her, which is not actually true. It’s just moreso that I wanted to rest and that I value my alone time/time to myself in spite of how important I find communication to be. I’m not really seeking company, but I do care about her and know that she has good intent. I am learning for the first time how to do a lot of the things I had never wanted to learn to do, like clean a bathtub, I went shopping (I’ve gone shopping before of course but for clothes. This time, I had gone shopping with intent of picking up a personal item, toothpaste, and I will likely do a little bit more shopping because I know deep down inside that I should learn how to cook.) I practiced scrubbing a bathtub out and suspected I didn’t do a good job of this which she had politely confirmed the next day, though she is willing to show me how to do it properly and had picked up a spray that is supposed to help with that sort of thing. I am surprised by how good being independent feels in a way, even though it’s unfortunate that I had to stop living with my family (who are honestly very toxic. I know deep down inside that neither of my parents *actually* miss me, especially not my mother who goes on rambles about nothing these days) due to their poor behavior. It’s gotten me thinking about what living with a boyfriend or husband later on may actually feel like, because I wonder if I’d still be seeking so much alone time if I did - I wonder if that’s just the way I am. The fact that I’m sharing an apartment with an older woman is arguably a bit unconventional, something I suppose some people would judge you for, but in a way I don’t care. I know deep down inside that I’d probably be more content living on my own - and things will change as I grow older, so who knows, at some point I likely will - but this is fine for now. I was actually fairly impulsive and abrupt in the move (I mean, I viewed other listings and everything, but I didn’t do a great job of “planning” for the move - we were supposed to be out of the hotel a veteran’s agency has been paying off for my parents and brother on account of my father having been in the navy, but with how volatile my mother is, I know that she is not likely to last more than a few months in an apartment complex and I had honestly just grown sick and tired of her disrupting my sleep every night. I am fully expecting her to get the family kicked out again, and it was all getting to be too much emotionally - I had called her the b word in retaliation and cursed her out even though I was raised to not swear as I was tired of her calling me the b word everyday, this would have been on maybe Monday or Friday - so I think it’s ultimately for the best that I left, even though it was nice not really having to pay rent. I have more peace here and more of an opportunity to at least sleep, which is what I’ve been seeking. I really want to work on improving my physical and mental health. It’ll be easier to do this if I can tackle my sleeping difficulties.)
I have been trying my best to be mindful of what is healthy in regards to food. I asked people I see a fair amount for healthy breakfast recommendations and ended up following through on accepting/agreeing when my roommate suggested she could pick up an apple and cheese stick (well, apples and cheesesticks) which was my breakfast this morning and will likely be my breakfast this weekend as well. This was actually not a very filling breakfast at all, so I will likely look into more options (healthy options. As I was explaining to my roommate earlier tonight, this is actually not just a matter of me not wanting to gain weight - this is partly about me sincerely wanting to start working on my health overall in spite of how anxious i tend to almost naturally feel. My mother and maternal grandmother had diabetes - my mother’s actually went away when she started working on having a better diet - and I would of course be at risk for this when I grow older as well if I am not working on building and maintaining healthy eating habits. I’ve also been trying to drink more water.)
My roommate, who I think is extroverted, has observed that I don’t necessarily seem to be “calm” from her perspective (I got the impression that she thinks it ties into my tired looking appearance/my sleeping issues, which I’m sure is true in spite of the mild sleep apnea. That’s probably an anxiety thing as well, trouble calming my brain,) but has emphasized multiple times that I seem to sincerely be sweet as well from her perspective, which I’ve heard before. I was not very well liked in middle school at all and was mostly not well known in high school/“cared” about (which isn’t a problem. I’m getting old enough now that when I think about crushes I used to have, it just feels like it’s a part of my distant past. The boy I was obsessed with in 9th grade, I heard something more recently that made me feel conflicted, but in terms of actual romantic feelings, it’s been so long now that I’m starting to forget what it felt like to be into someone so intensely. I’m approached more often as an adult than I’d expect to be - a lot more actually as someone who was so insecure about her appearance in high school, but surely not anymore than the average woman and sometimes probably less than the average woman - but I just haven’t had those intense feelings for someone in about 5 years.) I’ve had an uber or Lyft driver who waited for me longer than the typical wait time once (they’re supposed to leave at a certain point) when I was lost because of it. My roommate had also noted tonight that I have a very “positive energy” from her perspective, that when we chat I seem to look on the bright side of things in spite of my depression.
I am currently thinking about getting a bachelors in social work here and, depending on what my experience is, I may go on to get my masters in social at work at CSUEB or I will go for a different graduate school program. However, it is very difficult for me to say what I think would actually be a good personality fit for me, as someone who is 21. I have a 3.93 in community college so I know that I am capable of obtaining a bachelors degree. I am not into math, at all actually, and it’s partly why I already know I wouldn’t want to be an accounting major or a STEM major in general.
I have worked at a preschool before, and this has actually helped me understand that I wouldn’t want to become a preschool teacher in the longrun - the age group in regards to children that I have actually found myself having the greatest success with has been 5-7 year olds as opposed to 2-3 year olds. Their language skills are more developed, and they have an easier time listening, which honestly works for me better. I’d be open to teaching elementary school and have been successfully babysitting a 7 year old for almost two years now (August or September will mark two years) so a K-3 teaching credential later on down the line may work, but I am someone who just has such a hard time deciding on what I want to do in the longrun. I know that I want to help people but don’t see myself in a program director role. I am starting to care a more about salary/pay as I grow older as someone who is from a low income family (my parents and brother are living in a hotel right now, about to move into an apartment complex though my mother is volatile so them being kicked out again wouldn’t surprise me at all.)
I had actually looked at/considered a psychology major but it seemed too research oriented for my liking. I hated, hated, hated taking statistics in community college. What’s funny is that when I was 18 I thought I was just going to go for psych after having been intent on nursing throughout high school (and I’ll tell you an even funnier story in a moment about how and why I’d changed my mind concerning nursing,) but after finally just taking a look at some of the coursework offered by local universities for the major, I knew immediately that I wouldn’t actually like it. I had failed to do actual research on the field in question. I’m also just growing older and know deep down inside (though I knew deep down inside by the time I was 19) that this would also probably just not be the best fit for me in terms of a major, which is okay. In high school I’d changed my mind as an upperclassman about nursing because I thought I had emetophobia (I more recently saw someone vomit, said “oh my gosh” but actually had less of a reaction to it than everyone around me, which surprised even myself. So I may actually be able to get used to vomit or handle it better than I thought I could. I think that dealing with my family members and seeing them quite literally try to physically fight each other so often desensitized me somewhat,) and as an adult I’m still not so sure about it - I admit that throughout community college, I have generally gone for what is easier (other than the stats class I already took which I just was not a fan of. I’d signed up for the support stats course just to prep myself,) over what would challenge me and potentially lead to something lucrative. Nursing in my state is competitive, and I admit that as someone who isn’t so sure I’m passionate about it, some part of me has just never been up for the challenge. But even then I’m not “sure” about it. I was toying around with the idea of trying to become a CNA recently - the schooling for that can actually be pretty quick, and it would probably be a good way of getting a feel for what actual nurses are dealing with - though my hairstylist who actually is a CNA really dislikes it and I’ve heard a lot of bad things about it which has turned me off from it somewhat. I want to help people, but I don’t want anything that’s going to be so hard on my own body in the meantime. I’m finally starting to think just a little more about *my* overall health. I’m not getting “old” but I think I’m at that stage of adulthood wherein I am feeling like it’s time now to start getting ready to further my education and better myself.
Something I know about myself is that I need some social interaction but also would likely feel too pressured in a consistent leadership role, and wouldn’t want to be chatting with people constantly all day (so likely not anything like real estate.)
I have a strong suspicion that I would make for a negligent parent, which is partly why I am not trying to become a mother right now (other than the fact that I obviously do not know how to do a lot of things that a parent should know how to do, like cook. I would never want for my child or children to grow up eating fast food every day - I mean, I know that what babies eat is different, but still. I am friends with someone who is a nanny and I noticed how good she is at meal prep. I’m not good at things like that yet, but I also haven’t put the practice in. I’ve always been afraid to learn how to cook in the same way that I’ve always been afraid to learn how to drive and strangely place more trust in uber and Lyft drivers even though I know that it’s not “smart.”) I’ve always been afraid of burning myself on a stove (and to be fair, this sometimes does actually happen to people.) It’s partly just my personality. If I had tried to become a mother when I was 18-19, this would have been a nightmare and I know it. I’ve always been told that a person is never truly ready to be a parent, which I’m realizing is true as I grow older. Having a kid can surprise you in a lot of ways, and it doesn’t surprise me that a fair amount of people who have kids (including my own mother) also regret it. My parents were deemed negligent by my high school therapist, and I understand that this - my upbringing when I was 13-18 - makes me more likely to be a negligent parent later on myself. I will also change a fair amount as I grow older, and if I am married I would be open to having a child, but would really prefer to have 1, and would need to actually be married. I’d never want a kid with a boyfriend. It’s not stable enough. Marriage means you have stronger financial stability and the father would be more responsible for the child even if the relationship didn’t work out than he’d be otherwise, which is important. If I am not married by 35, I will simply not become a mother, and that is also okay.