Hey,
I've been holding space for you in spirit for about a year now, If you're willing I'd like to try to do that in person for you at least once, no judging, just listening and existing. If you're willing, to let me try, I would do that for you.
Me
We each have our own ways of coping, you used what was most familiar to you and I went a similar route. Now I just blur the vision, although I can still feel your presence when I'm near.
I never meant for things to end between you an I after trying to get to know you better for so long
I was still recovering from a past trauma and still am I suppose, I never meant to push you away, was just so terrified at the time because, most of my past relationships started off in the physical sense before really getting to know someone.
I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with you as I have in past relations.
You captivated me when I first saw you, I was at a loss for words ( doesn’t happen much)
I spent some years thinking about you, I never asked you out as I never thought you were single. I mean when I see a beautiful woman, I generally wouldn’t think she’s single same happened when I first saw you and years past that.
When we spoke and you sat close albeit for just a fraction of time, I fell something I hadn’t felt in a very long time and it terrified me.
I’m sorry I ran, I assure you it wasn’t you I was running from, it was my past and somethings I needed to work past.
I’m sorry I could never show you how much I thought of you, you mean the word to me.
I fell for you based on outward appearance but that was superficial, I wanted to know you the real you the one you try so hard to hide, like me I guess, maybe that's were the connection came from. But I always felt at least we did have some sort of connection, it’s just hard for me and hard to put into the words, and even more difficult when the words do come and there’s no one there to say them too.
Always , me
Hey You,
I'm done, I can't keep re-playing you and all our past conversations over and over in my head. The last thing you said to me via text was " I can't talk to you" , but what I think what you meant was You "won't talk to me", I've been through that before. I never wanted to think about you that way, I still don't, to think that you could be like a former love and what that did to me and how it destroyed my self esteem.
I used to feel, the fear I felt was because I felt an immense attraction to you not in the superficial or outward way based on appearance only. I thought it was a deeper emotional connection, like finding the missing piece of a puzzle that's been on a shelf gathering dust. And the fear of all the possibilities and all all of it being so overwhelming at the time, like an endorphin rush, a roller coaster of emotions I wasn't able to fully process in a healthy way.
I'm no psycho analyst, and I'm not trying to armchair analyze you, all I can go by are my experiences with silence, and the similarities of a past love, I'm not saying these things to hurt you, these words here for me to save myself, I hope you can understand that, I can't live in silence and pretend we're anything to each other, when it's all one sided and it's that side of myself, my whole self needs more.
Always, Me
When your ready to talk, I'll be available
When your ready to stop shouting into the void, I'll be available
I've been ready, and I'm sorry for my impatience, I'm working on it and me now.
I miss the woman I used to talk to, the only one I wanted to converse with.
I wanted you in ways I never fully expressed, because I didn't want to come across as just another guy shooting his shot.
You weren't a target, or someone to be possessed, or captured or kept.
You've always been so mysterious, never really revealing much, just little things, you kept yourself a little more protected. I understood why, you've been hurt before, it was easy to see for me, and I never did intend for me to be another in your long line of turmoil.
I've been breaking out of my shell, so to speak, I'm putting myself out there again, getting out engaging in different activities, singing Karaoke, going to political discourse meetings.
I've been thinking of either becoming an agent of chaos, or running for office. The latter I think would be the smarter choice. I'm so tired of everything all the unnecessary pain and destruction brought about by the party of idolators & blasphemers.
I'm tired of all the wrongs in our society and the lack of love and compassion for humanity and democracy.
I'd really like to see you again if only for a short time, it's been a long cold winter, and you'd sure be a sight for my sore eyes.
Anyway, I'm just rambling now, gotta go and get stuff done, talk to you later or maybe never, but that's not my call anymore and one I can't make again, I've reached out to you before and I can't do it again. Ball is in your court on this, it's no longer in mine to hit back.
Always , me.
Hey,
I almost saw you today, this morning while helping a friend I found myself about a house or two away from your fathers house, I took my glasses off so everything further than 25 feet would be blurry and out of focus, I think I handled myself ok, I held myself together and didn't fall apart, I might be healing.
Always, me