I recently realized that I'm deliberately doing everything I can to keep my game from becoming popular.
I really love making games, that's the truth, I've been striving for this my whole life, and for the last 4 years I've been working hard on my game.
For context I need to say that I had a pretty tough childhood, probably not the worst, but enough to deform me. It taught me to overcome, this is the most useless skill on the planet. My whole personality is literally built on the desire for opposition, competition, and the desire to prove to myself and (apparently to my parents, half of whom are gone and the other half are gone forever) that I'm worth something.
We all react to our environment in our own way, and in my case it became my life. I can't live when things are good, I can't live if I don't feel like I'm in the most critical situation where I have to adapt and find a way out right now, just like back then in childhood.
If you take my game, without even opening it or playing it, I've already created the maximum difficulty level for myself. In the country I live in, a game about a rooster is literally suicide. In my country, a rooster is a prisoner who gets raped in jail. But my game is about something completely different, about mental and physical struggle, you know? At this point we haven't even started development and the game already can't be popular in my country, no one takes it seriously! And you know what? That's exactly what I wanted, damn it! I wanted to oppose myself and once again prove something to someone, and it's like that with everything!
Furthermore, knowing that you can't just release a demo to your 400 wishlists, I still did it. I intentionally made the task harder and left myself only Next Fest! Hell, even the game itself is just huge for one person! And it's huge only because it brings me back to that very carefree childhood we all want to return to, although in my case it's an infernal hell that became my home.
And now for the second year my life has been more or less normal and I just can't adapt, I'm bored and restless that I no longer feel the weight of the heavens. And I'm not a hero or a gigachad, I'm an ordinary person with, I don't want to say a broken psyche, I want to say an untypical character? A person who, thinking that any hardships and problems can be overcome with diligence and effort, didn't notice how he fell in love with that very state of hopelessness and stress more than life itself.
I'm not looking for support, I don't know how to accept it. Actually, with this post I just wanted to share, and to hear HOW HAS YOUR GAME TAUGHT YOU SOMETHING? OR REVEALED FACETS OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS THAT YOU WEREN'T FAMILIAR WITH?
The line breaks were done by a neural network because I don't understand anything about this.