u/RevolutionaryLog7221

My husband, 30, and I, 29, are expecting our second child this summer. Our son is two years old. I’m planning to have our daughter at home, just like I had planned for our son. However, I had to be transferred to the hospital because I wasn’t progressing and eventually had a C-section.

For childcare during labour, we have two options: our son can be present with a dedicated adult, or we can choose not to have him there. Since I’m estranged from my parents and my husband from his dad, my mother-in-law is the only grandparent involved in my son’s life. They have a good relationship, and she babysits him regularly, so she’s our best (and only) choice to watch him during labour, whether it’s at home with us or if she needs to pick him up.

My mother-in-law was present during my last labour, and while she had good intentions, her presence wasn’t a positive addition. She’s a nurse who struggles with anxiety and wasn’t comfortable in a homebirth or midwife setting. She also made some poor judgment calls, like encouraging my husband to sleep through most of my labour or sending a picture of my son to all our extended family while I was still in the OR, even though we specifically told her we wanted to be the ones to announce the birth.

For all these reasons, I haven’t felt comfortable having her there during labour. I would have loved for my son to be present, but my husband and I agreed that it would be best for her to watch him at her house instead.

Last night, we discussed how we’d like our son and daughter to meet, and I suggested a private moment for the four of us. This would mean my husband would need to pick up our son from his mom’s house and bring him here, while she waits until we’re ready to let her come over. My husband agreed it would be ideal, but he worried it wouldn’t be realistic since his mom would want to visit with our son right after I gave birth and then leave again. He felt it would hurt her feelings if we asked her to stay away, and he wasn’t comfortable asking.

I’m concerned that our son might feel rejected or excluded if he visits us and the new baby in his house and then has to leave again. I also worry that his mom’s over-enthusiasm and difficulty respecting boundaries would make the meeting unpleasant. Overall, I think she’d likely try to lead the moment and not do it the way we want.

My husband and I struggled a lot the year after our son was born. He didn’t support me during pregnancy, labour, and postpartum, which was unexpected and not in line with who he is. It was partly due to high external stress. We’ve worked through some of it, and he’s very remorseful and has been making efforts to make up for what happened. However, I’m still not in a place where I trust him to support me through this labour and postpartum, and his concern for his mom’s feelings over what’s best for our family or me has been difficult to accept.

Am I overreacting because of the trauma of the last birth? Should I let my mother-in-law be present when our children meet or even at the birth?

I need an outside perspective. Please help! 🙏🏼

My husband, 30, and I, 29, are expecting our second child this summer. Our son is two years old. I’m planning to have our daughter at home, just like I had planned for our son. However, I had to be transferred to the hospital because I wasn’t progressing and eventually had a C-section.

For childcare during labour, we have two options: our son can be present with a dedicated adult, or we can choose not to have him there. Since I’m estranged from my parents and my husband from his dad, my mother-in-law is the only grandparent involved in my son’s life. They have a good relationship, and she babysits him regularly, so she’s our best (and only) choice to watch him during labour, whether it’s at home with us or if she needs to pick him up.

My mother-in-law was present during my last labour, and while she had good intentions, her presence wasn’t a positive addition. She’s a nurse who struggles with anxiety and wasn’t comfortable in a homebirth or midwife setting. She also made some poor judgment calls, like encouraging my husband to sleep through most of my labour or sending a picture of my son to all our extended family while I was still in the OR, even though we specifically told her we wanted to be the ones to announce the birth.

For all these reasons, I haven’t felt comfortable having her there during labour. I would have loved for my son to be present, but my husband and I agreed that it would be best for her to watch him at her house instead.

Last night, we discussed how we’d like our son and daughter to meet, and I suggested a private moment for the four of us. This would mean my husband would need to pick up our son from his mom’s house and bring him here, while she waits until we’re ready to let her come over. My husband agreed it would be ideal, but he worried it wouldn’t be realistic since his mom would want to visit with our son right after I gave birth and then leave again. He felt it would hurt her feelings if we asked her to stay away, and he wasn’t comfortable asking.

I’m concerned that our son might feel rejected or excluded if he visits us and the new baby in his house and then has to leave again. I also worry that his mom’s over-enthusiasm and difficulty respecting boundaries would make the meeting unpleasant. Overall, I think she’d likely try to lead the moment and not do it the way we want.

My husband and I struggled a lot the year after our son was born. He didn’t support me during pregnancy, labour, and postpartum, which was unexpected and not in line with who he is. It was partly due to high external stress. We’ve worked through some of it, and he’s very remorseful and has been making efforts to make up for what happened. However, I’m still not in a place where I trust him to support me through this labour and postpartum, and his concern for his mom’s feelings over what’s best for our family or me has been difficult to accept.

Am I overreacting because of the trauma of the last birth? Should I let my mother-in-law be present when our children meet or even at the birth?

I need an outside perspective. Please help! 🙏🏼

My husband, 30, and I, 29, are expecting our second child this summer. Our son is two years old. I’m planning to have our daughter at home, just like I had planned for our son. However, I had to be transferred to the hospital because I wasn’t progressing and eventually had a C-section.

For childcare during labour, we have two options: our son can be present with a dedicated adult, or we can choose not to have him there. Since I’m estranged from my parents and my husband from his dad, my mother-in-law is the only grandparent involved in my son’s life. They have a good relationship, and she babysits him regularly, so she’s our best (and only) choice to watch him during labour, whether it’s at home with us or if she needs to pick him up.

My mother-in-law was present during my last labour, and while she had good intentions, her presence wasn’t a positive addition. She’s a nurse who struggles with anxiety and wasn’t comfortable in a homebirth or midwife setting. She also made some poor judgment calls, like encouraging my husband to sleep through most of my labour or sending a picture of my son to all our extended family while I was still in the OR, even though we specifically told her we wanted to be the ones to announce the birth.

For all these reasons, I haven’t felt comfortable having her there during labour. I would have loved for my son to be present, but my husband and I agreed that it would be best for her to watch him at her house instead.

Last night, we discussed how we’d like our son and daughter to meet, and I suggested a private moment for the four of us. This would mean my husband would need to pick up our son from his mom’s house and bring him here, while she waits until we’re ready to let her come over. My husband agreed it would be ideal, but he worried it wouldn’t be realistic since his mom would want to visit with our son right after I gave birth and then leave again. He felt it would hurt her feelings if we asked her to stay away, and he wasn’t comfortable asking.

I’m concerned that our son might feel rejected or excluded if he visits us and the new baby in his house and then has to leave again. I also worry that his mom’s over-enthusiasm and difficulty respecting boundaries would make the meeting unpleasant. Overall, I think she’d likely try to lead the moment and not do it the way we want.

My husband and I struggled a lot the year after our son was born. He didn’t support me during pregnancy, labour, and postpartum, which was unexpected and not in line with who he is. It was partly due to high external stress. We’ve worked through some of it, and he’s very remorseful and has been making efforts to make up for what happened. However, I’m still not in a place where I trust him to support me through this labour and postpartum, and his concern for his mom’s feelings over what’s best for our family or me has been difficult to accept.

Am I overreacting because of the trauma of the last birth? Should I let my mother-in-law be present when our children meet or even at the birth?

I need an outside perspective. Please help! 🙏🏼

EDIT: I honestly considered deleting this post because I was a bit shocked by how intensely the home VBAC aspect overshadowed the actual topic I was asking about. But I’m choosing to leave it up because I do think these conversations can still be valuable, even when people strongly disagree.

I mentioned the home VBAC for context because part of why my previous birth/postpartum experience was emotionally difficult was that I planned a home birth and ultimately needed a transfer and C-section.

I’m in Canada, where registered midwives are regulated healthcare professionals integrated into the public healthcare system with hospital privileges, emergency training/equipment, and established transfer protocols. This is not an unassisted birth situation, and my medical and surgical history has obviously been thoroughly reviewed.

For those discussing risks: yes, uterine rupture is the primary concern in a VBAC and it is serious. Current Canadian resources generally cite the risk around 0.5% (roughly 1 in 200) for someone with one prior low transverse incision in labour. VBAC success rates are also generally cited around 60–80%, depending on individual factors and labour circumstances. Induction/augmentation can increase rupture risk, which is one reason careful candidate selection and labour management matter.

People are completely entitled to feel those risks are not personally acceptable. Many would never choose a home VBAC, and I fully respect that. But I also hope some nuance can exist in these discussions. There is a difference between saying “I would never make that choice” and implying that women pursuing regulated, informed VBAC care are automatically reckless, deceptive, or indifferent to their children’s safety.

At the very least, maybe these exchanges will encourage some people to look more deeply into how VBAC care is actually handled in different healthcare systems, or help another mother navigating these decisions feel less alone in how emotionally complex they can be.

The original purpose of this post, though, was ultimately about family dynamics, boundaries, and emotional safety after a difficult first birth/postpartum experience.