u/Remarkable_Bath8515

I am really sorry. /Genuine

I am not panicked like last day, right now my streak is now 22 hours although this may change. My razor is gone, any broken peices I have has been thrown away.. I don't think I am allowed to get a new one yet and want to respect that.

I just want to know what's wrong with me.

If everything will be fine, why should I be ok psyically, I am just going to fuck something up, and not be the person I want to be.

I want to let out the odd sadness I feel.

The small thoughts won't stop, they are also a bit violent, like wanting to rip something off a little.

I think I think I deserve and want to self harm while people are saying they don't, like I am sad and worried for no good reason.

I sometimes want to see myself bleed.

I also don't know if this is making people worry, or cringe, or hate me. None of those are good. Worrying about another person is normal but I'll be fine I should worry about others, I appreciate not being told I deserve to not feel this bitch that's because I want to be not disrespectful or creepy or toxic. I want to be a good person like people I would trust are. If someone hates me I don't know if it's because I did something wrong to someone or if I am just odd.

I am also afraid to stop caring because what if that hurts someone.

Sometimes I remove my vents because they might be unnecessary or I think I'm bothering people.

I want to prepare for my own death if I end up bad, at the same time I don't want to be bad, I don't want to suffer and I don't want to want to die sometimes.

I want my therapist or psychiatrist to tell me what's wrong. I need to call my psychiatrist and know when to do things.

I really hate how some people do horrible stuff because of what they believe is that some people are inferior for being who they are, I hate how some people are just fine with making people feel unsafe or invalidated, I don't want to be that.

i guess I'll just try to distract myself, I wish I stopped thinking about this. I wish everything would be ok, that I could make it ok.

I can't self harm because I started a new streak, I don't want to worry people or disrespect people.

Choose the flavor.

I am ok but I want to know if I was toxic, Can someone let me know if I did something wrong in the situation of this post I feel ok now and restarted my timer as even though I still get SH urges if I feel like a bad person, anxious, stressed or feel like I should get tough because bad things could happen.

I sometimes want to decide when I die and hope it's painless but I am not suicidal because I don't want people to kill me or want to want to die and want to know if that makes me a bad person.

Also I relapsed today a bit of slapping myself and that's all I'll say. I had an urge to do more mutilation but had no tool, was going to do something else but me and my mom went on a walk, and I talked to some of my friends.

It's a vent so trigger warning about self loathing plush there was panic don't read if it causes relapse or stress I am ok, and thanks for checking anyway.
https://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/comments/1sq26s7/when_should_i_talk_too_someone/

I am making things worse.

I am going to relapse and I'm sorry, please forgive me.

I won't die even if I tiny bit feel like it I'm sorry. It would probably be better.

I don't want to die I am just tingling all over and my mom is upset she said to not talk about her. I thought she was fine with it since she said it was fine once but that's stupid.

This is the last time. I just want her to stop yelling at us and understand. It causes me stress when she raises her voice at me especially for being stressed instead of calming down.

But maybe I don't.

I wish I can choose when to die and it's painless, I wish I was more likevle.

I am going to rip my hair out instead it's better.

When's the best time to talk to

And I slapt myself fuck.

I want mom to just stop talking to me and let me calm down.

This is a bit extensional I think skip if that triggers you because I don't want to harm anyone. /Genuine

my streak is 318 hours I am not in danger just a explaination and question.

I'd prefer not to die even if I barely do anything.

Maybe I am wrong just wanted to ask.

Venting itself is a coping mechanism I think

And self harm while a unhealthy one is also a coping mechanism.

I want to stop feeling like I want me to hurt myself or to see if I can handle pain because I am scared, but honestly I want to feel like I have absolutely no reason I would need to hurt myself in the future.

Seems impossible when bad things will happen anyway if I don't know what to do, bad things happen everyday to different people.

And then you have to duel with it, I feel like it'll happen but nothing bad happened. Then I feel like I am making it up or just want to hurt and feel more confused.

I wish everyone could just not be hurt, I wish I will never hurt anyone or that I could eventually be confident to help, and defend myself.

I know I will die anyway, plus I hate my own body and don't want to be the gender I am perceived sometimes but what if I am being untrue about my feelings.

I need to except the fact I could die, or maybe that's also a bad coping mechanism trying to prepare for my own death not in a suicide way, I hope not because that would imply life will instead get worse when it's not bad. In a when should I die, how would I want to die, how to stop worrying about it, getting ready for a funeral.

I heard I should not worry about this at 21 but it feels normal.

Am I fucked up? That's all I want to know. Am I a bad person for feeling this way. /No tone

Is this weird behavior, I should probably get a wet paintbrush.

I am washing my hands after this post but I caught myself sometimes licking my arms when I feel like Self harming but can't because I don't want to break my streak and want to improve what ever that would be.

I don't know if I am doing it backwards but recovering from self harm could be a step for me. I don't want to fail my friends or other people. When I feel the Self harm urge I lick it.

I think a wet paintbrush can be a replacement for this. I am not expert I am just trying to find a solution too.

I was recommended a hair roller, I want to get one, or a stim toy. I have to wait for family to take me places to get stuff. I have agency just no car or money yet.

It probably looks different, I am pretty weak.

Also I wouldn't show pictures and that's because of creeps lurking on the subreddit or people using it to relapse or it could cause a trigger warning.

I don't know how to feel about this. I sometimes want to prove this has happened and that I am not lying.

It's probably something similar to feeling like an imposter or invalid sometimes. Being frustrated with my own emotions and worries.

I don't know.

I guess I am asking why I shouldn't, or if there is times I should,

or just venting a thought I had that I thought mattered. It probably doesn't. /No tone.

Another question, is it ok to want to archive those pictures? Is that harmful or weird. They kind of help remind me I am not making this up.

I sometimes feel like I am stupidly walking into whatever could potentially doom me or others,

maybe not exactly like that but I always think of what can go wrong usually at least one time during a day. It's either a small thought or it actually makes me want to cry.

I don't know if that will actually happen I am safe now. /No tone.