Thinking of Divorce - 49F
I’m 49F, married to 53M for 21 years. Ours was an arranged marriage and we had a very rocky start - different family culture leading to different expectations. We went for marriage therapy, he stopped going after a few sessions saying he didn’t have any issues and didn’t need to go, but I did continue to go for a few more years. We have a wonderful teenaged son. While our marriage was not perfect, and there were constant fights, occasionally I’d see moments of affection. That kept me going.
Sometime during the pandemic, my husband got involved with a religious cult. Now he spends most of his free time with this group, and uses his vacation days to visit his guru and gives them so much of his money. If that’s not bad enough, he’s completely stopped communicating with me. Most of our conversations happen via text/ email. When I talk to him, he gets so triggered and he ends up raising his voice at me. He’s is in a good job, well-respected in the community. His mother lives with us and she’s very supportive of me and says what her son does is not right. But she says we need to stay in the marriage for the sake of our school-going son. Recently, during my attempt to talk to my husband, he ended up screaming at me. My son, who overheard everything said to me, “Get a divorce already.”
I, on my part, can’t seem to accept the situation. I’m always thinking about “what could have been”. He has shown glimmers of affection. So it’s not like he’s entirely a gone case. This is a very horrible space to be in. I can either completely accept that this is who he is and develop a thick skin and stay in the marriage but live my own life without any emotional connection with him. Or say I don’t want this and leave the marriage. Unfortunately, I’m unable to do both.
But I’ve been thinking of separation quite a bit off late. My son is in high school and I wanted him to finish school before I make any decision. But some days I go off into a victim mode and make it extremely miserable for myself. This is really affecting me. He’s a decent dad and provides for the family - I’m a SAHM - but off late he’s been talking about how I don’t bring in any money. He’s in a well-paying job and remember, he gives tens of thousands of dollars to the religious organization he’s a member of.
I’ve been out for the workforce ever since my son was born. Can I separate without officially getting divorced for the time being to see how things go? If I were to get legally divorced, would he have to pay for my son’s and my living expenses till he’s 18. Based on your experience, how does a divorce affect a high school kid? I don’t want to cause any disruption to his life at least until he goes to college but with every passing day, I feel so trapped in this marriage. What can I do to get out of this victim mode? For one, I know if I completely accepted the situation, I wouldn’t slip into my victim mode but I’m always living in “what-could-be”. I live in the US, btw.
ETA: Please do not send me any direct/chat messages. If you have any advice, you can comment on this post.