
Regret of wasted potential (vent)
A year ago on this very date,I told my parents about my decision taking a drop, They obviously said no and asked me to focus on the exams left and wait for the results
i waited but nothing worked out, I was left with a private college in my state which was the "best" I could get in the state but had bad placements and was expensive too
Again tried asking them for a drop,this time my father and my older brother agreed but my mother didn't
Got a batch online and promised them I'll give my best,study 10 hours everyday and what not (I read the chat today and it brought me tears),wasn't expecting to get into IIT never had the thought too because I knew I was average,so the state NIT was my target,if not even a good private would work.
Long story short I didn't give my best,wasted time,procrastinated and what not and ruined this change I was given\
I realised how bad the situation was very late but I spent each day after that pushing myself to the absolute best to atleast land a decent private college.
I have two more exams upcoming wbjee and MET and I know I'm going to tank these exams too. My boards score is low for MET so there's no hope of getting manipal or banglore campus with the preparation I have and for WBJEE only the top colleges are worth pursuing which close at around 4-8k rank which seems impossible for me to achieve
I'm still studying each day for more than 10-12 hours but deep down ive accepted defeat,i know there's no hope. I feel very heavy when going through those messages and those promises I made to my parents,they didn't keep expectations from me but I surely let them down at the end.
I got 1 college which I would need to go with and honestly calculating the 4 year fees and seeing the number makes me very sad. It also brings self doubt whether I'll be able to make it in college or just waste all of the money at the end and end up jobless,I want to give my best in the college but that was the same promise I made before my drop year which I couldn't fulfill.Its hard to make promises to my parents because eventually I let them down one way or the other. I can't even share these feelings to my friends because they'll just say "ladke rote nahi", "depression yeh sab kuch nahi hota","just deal with it".
I try to be happy in front of my parents because I don't want them to worry about me but somedays it's hard to even keep up that two faced life .At night when everyone is asleep and I'm alone it's hard to keep those thoughts out of your mind
Maybe one day I'll make them happy by not being an average student, and this hope is whats keeping me alive