u/Powerful-Relief401

IS THE NATURE OF MY COMPULSION SO REPULSIVE TO EVERYONE NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO UNDERSTAND OR HELP ME? I had anal sex the first time at 15, and I don’t know what happened. I was a normal teenager up into that point with normal desires, and it flipped a switch, and became all I thought about all I wanted to the point of being far beyond normal sexual desire levels. It was very obviously unhealthy. I’ve done it easily over 500 times in my life, and I feel incredibly crushingly guilty. Now that I’m older because all of those sweet women were going through that out of how much they cared about me, and I was so uncontrollably driven to perform this act I couldn’t even see that stuff in that moment it was only this. Now all I have is the memory is that invoke crushing guilt. What happened to me? Why have I been so different than every other guy I’ve ever come across the moment I did that the first time? It has haunted me and disturbed me for two decades that I’m this way. Was this always going to happen? Or was my age somehow connected to it crossing the wire wires in my head? Please don’t be put off by this and think I’m being boastful, but two be the cruel cherry on top. I’m in like the one out of 500 men size down there. It just feels like cruel fate that I would be large, and desire this kind of intimacy because it absolutely contributed to the amount of pain I inflicted. I haven’t even heard of something like this ever happened to another person much less meeting one that’s like me. I honestly kind of hate myself because of this. I literally become sick to my stomach sometimes. I loved these women to the point I would take a bullet for them, but was so driven by this I could still do that.

I had a sore hump on my dick that hurt a lot, and wouldn’t go away after weeks. So naturally I googled the hell out what it could be. It looked nothing like even a single example I saw of herpes, and that was all I was really worried about. So my mind was at ease. It still persisted through so I went to my doctor, and when I pulled it out the look on his face was like he was pissed for some reason. He looked at it for half a second and said “genital herpes” zero examination nothing. I even argued with him that it looked nothing like herpes, and ask couldn’t it be an ingrown hair from shaving? He said “hair doesn’t grow on the shaft portion of a penis” which is insane because my penis was right in front of him and a little hair could clearly be seen growing on my shaft. If he just looked he’d see that statement was incorrect. He wrote me a script for herpes no words then slammed the door on the way out. I continued to be in pain from it of course, and my podiatrist of all people finally gave me a dermatologist referral. I went to the dermatologist, and he immediately said“you’ve had that ingrown hair for a while huh?” then made a small incision and removed the hair that had very clearly been ingrown for some time. I got immediate relief he even joked “come back next time you need a haircut cut” it healed not even leaving a mark. I swear the first doctor I visited knew full well I had an ingrown hair, and put that diagnosis on me maliciously knowing I’d continue to suffer since he didn’t address it. I swear on my life if you were there you would have been able to feel the dick envy in that doctor’s examination room it was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.