u/Pink-BubblesDWEM

Doctor diagnose me with anal tumor or rectal cancer with 0.5cm size. Now i'm preparing for MRI and CT scan to get a full image if my cancer invades. The hardest part of my predicament is the time when i needed to poop. I can't poop properly and i need a whole day just to extract my stool out of my stomach. And the most hellish part is where it hurts so bad at the bottom part of my stomach, like a thousand needles are scratching inside and then a small poop will pop out of my ass. I really hate this moments, to the point that I only ate one meal a day just to prepare myself for the upcoming pooping again in next 3 - 4 days.

I really need to get a progress and proceed to get a chemotherapy, mostly a radiation treatment. Cause I can feel my body are starting to give up and im still my 30's and i still want to experience a good life. Just when everything is starting a proper and good life. I'm really scared.

at first I thought it was hemorrhoids since it starts bleeding when I'm in bathroom and when I got a check up, doctor told me it was probably Internal Hemorrhoids stage 2 so I decided to have a surgery and removed it. To my surprise the doctor declared that the bump inside my anal is cancerous and I needed MRI and CT scan to have a properly image of it to see if it invade other parts of my body. Now I'm still in processing period just to get an MRI and CT scan and eventually a Chemotherapy.

To be honest my bowel movement changes, from everyday I can poop without problem to suddenly I can only poop after 4 or 5 days (which is favorable to me since I don't have to worry about bleeding) but when the time of poop, It's the most hellish moment of my life since I can't poop it normally, I needed the whole day just to poop since I can't force it. I can only rely on it slowly pushing out of my colon. Just imagine a bottle of ketchup half and you need to turn it side up so the ketchup will slowly slide down. And add the searing pain on my lower part of stomach that feels like a needles scratching down and after that a small portion of stool goes out of my ass.

I'm permanently wearing an adult diaper since if I'm not pooping, I'm constantly farting a lot and it got some small portion of poop or blood since I sit too long while working.

I'm only relying on my HMO to pay for my expenses especially on oncoming chemotherapy and I'm getting too scared to go on (I live in 3rd world country Philippines and I don't have enough money save). My mind are getting cloudy since sometimes the pain is unbearable and I just want to end it and I don't know how long I can do this.

I'm frightened, is it normal to be this really scared? to anyone with the same predicament as me and survive, how did you manage? my doctor suggest me to close my anal and use a colostomy bag for the rest of my life but I don't want to go that path yet since chemo can offer to kill the tumor (0.5 cu cm is the size of my tumor). How many session per chemo and what should I do since I heard that after chemo I'll be really tired and the side effect will make it harder for most days.

Thank you