u/PalpitationOk639

I recently went through a breakup (I think, it was framed as a break but my trust issues and I don’t believe he’ll be coming back lmao), and it gave me space to go back to the tried and true coping mechanism of texting a shitty ex when I’m lonely.

So I texted this guy I’d dated for like a month 3 years ago. He was an ASS at the time, crossed multiple boundaries, was really intense and manipulative, but luckily I was too scarred from a recent shitty longterm relationship to be attached to this new guy so I left once my exams were done.

When I texted him last night he told me (graphically) that he was going to cross every boundary I’ve ever told him about. He said he was going to hurt me and everything he’d do would be malicious, and then was shocked when I said I was fine with that? He asked for pictures so he could blackmail me, and I sent them (mostly, I think I avoided anything with my face in it, small moment of sanity).

He asked why I was okay with it (I really didn’t think he’d actually follow through and that it was all talk, but apparently he does actually have those dark thoughts towards me and fully intends to actually hurt me, ooops), and I was more honest than I meant to be and admitted it feels safer than someone being nice to me.

I thought I was more healed than this. But I had a panic attack after the kind man I’m currently not really with asked for commitment, and now I’m backsliding into a shitty person’s DMs. I literally had to fight to not run away from the kind guy, like I was sobbing and freaking out before he came to mine on valentines because he’d hinted at bringing things for me and I was terrified (literally just a sweet card + flowers + chocolate, get a grip girl), but a man explicitly telling me he’s going to hurt me is fine?

(To clarify, the break is for him, he has similar trauma to me and similar panic attacks and I guess he couldn’t handle it, which is fair).

I’m 26, I struggle to see how things will get better than this. Im in therapy, I’ve been in therapy on/off for 8 years (had a shit run of not great childhood, bad partners, general life stuff), I’m self aware but I’m still so self-destructive?

I recently went through a breakup (I think, it was framed as a break but my trust issues and I don’t believe he’ll be coming back lmao), and it gave me space to go back to the tried and true coping mechanism of texting a shitty ex when I’m lonely.

So I texted this guy I’d dated for like a month 3 years ago. He was an ASS at the time, crossed multiple boundaries, was really intense and manipulative, but luckily I was too scarred from a recent shitty longterm relationship to be attached to this new guy so I left once my exams were done.

When I texted him last night he told me (graphically) that he was going to cross every boundary I’ve ever told him about. He said he was going to hurt me and everything he’d do would be malicious, and then was shocked when I said I was fine with that? He asked for pictures so he could blackmail me, and I sent them (mostly, I think I avoided anything with my face in it, small moment of sanity).

He asked why I was okay with it (I really didn’t think he’d actually follow through and that it was all talk, but apparently he does actually have those dark thoughts towards me and fully intends to actually hurt me, ooops), and I was more honest than I meant to be and admitted it feels safer than someone being nice to me.

I thought I was more healed than this. But I had a panic attack after the kind man I’m currently not really with asked for commitment, and now I’m backsliding into a shitty person’s DMs.

(To clarify, the break is for him, he has similar trauma to me and similar panic attacks and I guess he couldn’t handle it, which is fair).

I’m 26, I struggle to see how things will get better than this. If I’m this bad after all this therapy, what hope is there really?

This does sound melodramatic and I’m aware, so apologies 💀 I’m also in therapy, but won’t see her for a few weeks and I’ve got SO much studying to do in the meantime that I’m struggling to focus on while my head’s swirling 😭

Essentially, I have a thing around abandonment? I’ve not had great luck with relationships, I’m in my mid 20s and so far there’s been

\- abusive dude #1, ended just after we got engaged because I found out about his OTHER girlfriend (3 years, ended at 22)

\- …another abusive one (9 months, ended at 24)

\- short but with MANY boundaries crossed by him (3 months, ended at Christmas)

\- short again, ended with him asking to be my boyfriend, asking for a 3 month break a week later to “be alone and find himself”, has since rejoined every dating app (3ish months, ended mid-March)

There’ve been a couple of brief casual things in between, but that’s it. The last one is hitting me hard because it’s the first time someone I’ve dated has respected my “no” and it’s the first relationship my friends (and therapist) have classed as healthy. He seemed all in until he wasn’t, even promised not to suddenly pull away when he asked for the label, but now obviously here we are.

I’m not judging him, he was fresh out of a longer abusive relationship and neither of us planned on dating when we met each other. I can’t even judge his dating app activity, I’ve done the same after past relationships and also now because being alone sucks.

I can’t face actually going on dates though. I went on 2, ran into him while I was on the first and the 2nd talked about his live-in ex the whole time.

I’ve been told by a few people (mum’s a bit of a dick, also been unlucky enough to get physically attacked by a guy friend once and he threw in some harsh words) that I’ll never be loved and that I’m worthless etc, so this recent loss is hitting that core wound quite a bit.

It feels like he’s gone “eh, you’re great, but I believe I can find this again easily in the future so I’m going to go have my fun and look again later”. It was really special/significant to me, so that’s stinging a bit 😅

How do people get over themselves and believe that they’re worth choosing? Or interesting enough for someone to choose you and want to stay?

This does sound melodramatic and I’m aware, so apologies 💀 I’m also in therapy, but won’t see her for a few weeks and I’ve got SO much studying to do in the meantime that I’m struggling to focus on while my head’s swirling 😭

Essentially, I have a thing around abandonment? I’ve not had great luck with relationships, I’m in my mid 20s and so far there’s been

\- abusive dude #1, ended just after we got engaged because I found out about his OTHER girlfriend (3 years, ended at 22)

\- …another abusive one (9 months, ended at 24)

\- short but with MANY boundaries crossed by him (3 months, ended at Christmas)

\- short again, ended with him asking to be my boyfriend, asking for a 3 month break a week later to “be alone and find himself”, has since rejoined every dating app (3ish months, ended mid-March)

There’ve been a couple of brief casual things in between, but that’s it. The last one is hitting me hard because it’s the first time someone I’ve dated has respected my “no” and it’s the first relationship my friends (and therapist) have classed as healthy. He seemed all in until he wasn’t, even promised not to suddenly pull away when he asked for the label, but now obviously here we are.

I’m not judging him, he was fresh out of a longer abusive relationship and neither of us planned on dating when we met each other. I can’t even judge his dating app activity, I’ve done the same after past relationships and also now because being alone sucks.

I can’t face actually going on dates though. I went on 2, ran into him while I was on the first and the 2nd talked about his live-in ex the whole time.

I’ve been told by a few people (mum’s a bit of a dick, also been unlucky enough to get physically attacked by a guy friend once and he threw in some harsh words) that I’ll never be loved and that I’m worthless etc, so this recent loss is hitting that core wound quite a bit.

It feels like he’s gone “eh, you’re great, but I believe I can find this again easily in the future so I’m going to go have my fun and look again later”. It was really special/significant to me, so that’s stinging a bit 😅

How do people get over themselves and believe that they’re worth choosing? Or interesting enough for someone to choose you and want to stay?

This does sound melodramatic and I’m aware, so apologies 💀 I’m also in therapy, but won’t see her for a few weeks and I’ve got SO much studying to do in the meantime that I’m struggling to focus on while my head’s swirling 😭

Essentially, I have a thing around abandonment? I’ve not had great luck with relationships, I’m in my mid 20s and so far there’s been

- abusive dude #1, ended just after we got engaged because I found out about his OTHER girlfriend (3 years, ended at 22)

- …another abusive one (9 months, ended at 24)

- short but with MANY boundaries crossed by him (3 months, ended at Christmas)

- short again, ended with him asking to be my boyfriend, asking for a 3 month break a week later to “be alone and find himself”, has since rejoined every dating app (3ish months, ended mid-March)

There’ve been a couple of brief casual things in between, but that’s it. The last one is hitting me hard because it’s the first time someone I’ve dated has respected my “no” and it’s the first relationship my friends (and therapist) have classed as healthy. He seemed all in until he wasn’t, even promised not to suddenly pull away when he asked for the label, but now obviously here we are.

I’m not judging him, he was fresh out of a longer abusive relationship and neither of us planned on dating when we met each other. I can’t even judge his dating app activity, I’ve done the same after past relationships and also now because being alone sucks.

I can’t face actually going on dates though. I went on 2, ran into him while I was on the first and the 2nd talked about his live-in ex the whole time.

I’ve been told by a few people (mum’s a bit of a dick, also been unlucky enough to get physically attacked by a guy friend once and he threw in some harsh words) that I’ll never be loved and that I’m worthless etc, so this recent loss is hitting that core wound quite a bit.

It feels like he’s gone “eh, you’re great, but I believe I can find this again easily in the future so I’m going to go have my fun and look again later”. It was really special/significant to me, so that’s stinging a bit 😅

How do people get over themselves and believe that they’re worth choosing? Or interesting enough for someone to choose you and want to stay?