My doctor said I have a condition which when I'm stressed, I get symptoms of schizophrenia and depression but didn't diagnose me with anything.
How did you tell your partner about your illness or symptoms?
I'm scared of scarying my girlfriend if I tell her about this.
I've been feeling depressed for 4 years and right after I attempted suicide by hanging, I had a bad headache and my psychosis started. That moment, I realized that an organization was after me and attacking me. After a while, they started commanding me through my brain or hallucinations.
I prepared for another attempt as they command me.
I don't know why it started suddenly like that.
Did the attempt or the headache cause it?
After that, when I have severe headache(migranes) I get confused and get scared about the organization. They tell me not to take painkillers so I just cry in bed.
I want to learn about HSP since my doctor said I have a sensitive brain.
Is HSP a diagnosis?
For me, I get bad headache and tiredness when I pushed a little harder than I should.
Do you know when you need to slow down?
My meds seem to be working and I'm relatively stable but I get confused or get scared of the organization after me when it's late at night or when I'm alone.
I try to sleep early but sometimes I need to stay up late.
How do you stay stable at those times?
I believed that an organization was after me. They used to command me too.
Now that I increased the dosage of my anti-psychotics, I feel less scared. I'm still not sure if the organization was really just in my head or I'm just less afraid even when it's here, but I feel more peaceful. When I feel tired or stressed, I get confused and I think of things that doesn't make sense to the stable me, but I'm usually stable.
Does that mean my meds are working?
I have a girlfriend and I thought she's pretty and is a nice person at first and I kind of imagined what if we got together and being intimate. But I didn't have that desires until I talked with her for a while and saw her in person. The first time I felt that desire or "pull", it was so strong.
Maybe I felt that because I felt super safe with her. Or maybe it's because I finally got to see her in person.
I do have fantasies maybe, but I don't want to date people who I don't know and I don't want to have sex. It feels gross.
I have fantasies but that's mostly not about the people but about situations.
But I understand how people find others physically attractive like when they're wearing revealing clothes.
The people I fell in love with before, it's always someone I knew like someone who's my friend or someone I got to know their private side.
I don't fall in love with someone who's a complete stranger to me.
How is it like when it clicks and start having desires towards someone?
I want to understand demisexuality.
Do people who are demisexual have sexual desires towards their partner?
How do you know when you have enough emotional connection to be attracted to them physically?
Can I ask that to my partner?
I'm a little worried about a relationship with my partner.
I started reading again and life feels peaceful and slower.
I stopped doomscrolling after making my phone look like a dumb phone and I could now focus on things that takes time like reading or coloring.
I feel like the time when I was a kid and loved books.
I started reading again and life feels peaceful and slower.
I stopped doomscrolling after making my phone look like a dumb phone and I could now focus on things that takes time like reading or coloring.
I feel like when I was a kid when I loved books.
My current doctor feels dismissive or a little cold sometimes.
Another reason I don't trust doctors or nurses so much is because I saw them being possessed by spies before.
I don't trust them but I go there to get meds.
Is it okay to do this?
School stress triggers my symptoms but I want to graduate and become a nurse.
I've finished most of my classes but now I have to study for my license.
I graduate in a year.
Do you have any study tips that won't trigger your symptoms?
I have hallucinations, delusions, confusion, self harm, suicidal ideation, depression, dissociation, fatigue when I have school and I have almost none of them on long vacation like summer break.
I need to rest in bed for 3 or more hours to recover each day.
I believed that I was commanded by an organization to not to eat so I didn't and lost 5kg in 5 days and did dangerous things.
My care team knows that school stress is my worst trigger but nobody said I should leave nursing school or even leave for just a while.
So I continued school and my symptoms got so much worse over time.
I'm going to graduate in a year and I'm thinking of start working as a nurse but I'm very scared.
Working means there's no long vacation.
I'm only stable on vacation.
I don't know what to do.