u/Ok_Might_5355

For context I [18M] and my girlfriend [18F] have been together for around 3 months now, and we got together fairly quickly (around 2 weeks after meeting eachother).

She had posted something on her private account a couple of days ago about ‘if you have to pick between 2 choices, pick the second one because there wouldn’t be that option if you were sure of the first one’. I had asked her about it, as I am a chronic overthinker and wondered if she was talking about us, but she told the then that it was just something dumb about clothes. A day later though, which was yesterday, she sent me a long paragraph, which I will summarise here.

She told me that she had the same thought about the ‘second choice’ thing when I first asked her to be her boyfriend, and that I was the one she had after. She explained that she has a childhood friend back in her native country [19M] who she has known for years, who ‘she wouldn’t mind marrying and having children with’, but that she didn’t like him or love him in that way like she did with me, and that he likes someone else too. She views him as the safe option, in the way of ‘if we’re single by 30 we’ll just marry eachother’. For her, it felt like they knew eachother TOO well, so that it felt wrong or illegal to even think about liking him like that.

She went on by saying that when I first asked her out, she sent him a long message basically telling him that she likes me, and that they could’ve been the perfect match but they were on ‘different roads and liked different people’. But she also told him that picking me over him felt like she was cheating on him without even being together with him. She then asked him if he thought she’d regret being with me, and if him and her had any chance of being together (important, she said that she needed to know that as she would’ve given up on the idea of me before we dated and gone to him if he said yes). He told her that she didn’t need his approval to date anyone and that it was her choice, and also said life gives many opportunities, good or bad, and to give me a try.

She told me that what she was trying to say was that she picked me over him. She told me that (for context, i’m very new to relationships and really have no idea what i’m doing, my only other one was a very traumatic and horrible one) I didn’t need to act a certain way or text in a way to impress her or anything, or do usual ‘lover’ stuff because all the partners she has had before have treated her more like a close best friend who happened to be a partner, and that she was comfortable with that because it’s less pressing. But she also acknowledged that I’m more of the expressive type of lover and she’s not, so living up to that and doing ‘relationships’ in general is tiring to her. She believes that everyone who gets in a relationship with her will be ‘bad’ at it because she doesn’t even know what she wants for herself. This makes her have to ‘live up her life’ because she’s in a relationship now with me, and it ‘tires’ her.

She said the relationships she’s had before in her life, she’s gone into them after knowing the person for a while, and that the person knows her, so nothing goes wrong. She said she impulsively said yes to me when I asked her due to her crush on me, and that she’s trying to calm her mind, but dating somebody she’s not known for a long time beforehand is something she’s never done before, so she has that ‘something’s off’ feeling. She ended by saying she wants to work through it, and hopefully ease up any tension from not knowing eachother quite as well as we’d like to.

I responded to her by basically saying my feelings on getting together quickly too, how grateful I am that she picked me, how I have problems of my own too and that I’m sorry due to those problems possibly tiring her. I also said how I try to tone down my ‘expressiveness’ for her comfort, and that it’s exhausting for me too to hide my love for her, but that I’d ‘die of exhaustion if it meant seeing her happy and comfortable and being with her’. I told her that she didn’t have to force herself to be a certain way too, because I’d stay by her side no matter what, because I like HER and not just what she does. I ended by basically saying that I want nothing more to know her as much as she’s willing to teach me, and that all I asked for was reassurance from time to time that we were okay, and that she still liked me and loved me and found me attractive and all. I thanked her for taking the time to tell me all this instead of bottling it all up, and left it.
(I feel this is important too, but I asked her afterwards ‘if he told her now that he liked her, what would she say’ and she replied by saying ‘no, because i don’t even like him like that’)

But now I’m just stuck. One part of me is happy that she picked me, that I’m still her boyfriend… but the other part of me is panicking, and overthinking, and so SO jealous beyond belief. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but be jealous. And I don’t know what to feel about all this, or what to do, or even anything at this point.

I love this girl, and I’d do anything to stay by her side and be her boyfriend, but feeling more like a friend who happens to love her, and feeling like I have to compete with this guy now, is absolutely killing me.

Any advice is truly appreciated beyond belief, and thank you so much for reading through all my rambling :>

For context I [18M] and my girlfriend [18F] have been together for around 3 months now, and we got together fairly quickly (around 2 weeks after meeting eachother).

She had posted something on her private account a couple of days ago about ‘if you have to pick between 2 choices, pick the second one because there wouldn’t be that option if you were sure of the first one’. I had asked her about it, as I am a chronic overthinker and wondered if she was talking about us, but she told the then that it was just something dumb about clothes. A day later though, which was yesterday, she sent me a long paragraph, which I will summarise here.

She told me that she had the same thought about the ‘second choice’ thing when I first asked her to be her boyfriend, and that I was the one she had after. She explained that she has a childhood friend back in her native country [19M] who she has known for years, who ‘she wouldn’t mind marrying and having children with’, but that she didn’t like him or love him in that way like she did with me, and that he likes someone else too. She views him as the safe option, in the way of ‘if we’re single by 30 we’ll just marry eachother’. For her, it felt like they knew eachother TOO well, so that it felt wrong or illegal to even think about liking him like that.

She went on by saying that when I first asked her out, she sent him a long message basically telling him that she likes me, and that they could’ve been the perfect match but they were on ‘different roads and liked different people’. But she also told him that picking me over him felt like she was cheating on him without even being together with him. She then asked him if he thought she’d regret being with me, and if him and her had any chance of being together (important, she said that she needed to know that as she would’ve given up on the idea of me before we dated and gone to him if he said yes). He told her that she didn’t need his approval to date anyone and that it was her choice, and also said life gives many opportunities, good or bad, and to give me a try.

She told me that what she was trying to say was that she picked me over him. She told me that (for context, i’m very new to relationships and really have no idea what i’m doing, my only other one was a very traumatic and horrible one) I didn’t need to act a certain way or text in a way to impress her or anything, or do usual ‘lover’ stuff because all the partners she has had before have treated her more like a close best friend who happened to be a partner, and that she was comfortable with that because it’s less pressing. But she also acknowledged that I’m more of the expressive type of lover and she’s not, so living up to that and doing ‘relationships’ in general is tiring to her. She believes that everyone who gets in a relationship with her will be ‘bad’ at it because she doesn’t even know what she wants for herself. This makes her have to ‘live up her life’ because she’s in a relationship now with me, and it ‘tires’ her.

She said the relationships she’s had before in her life, she’s gone into them after knowing the person for a while, and that the person knows her, so nothing goes wrong. She said she impulsively said yes to me when I asked her due to her crush on me, and that she’s trying to calm her mind, but dating somebody she’s not known for a long time beforehand is something she’s never done before, so she has that ‘something’s off’ feeling. She ended by saying she wants to work through it, and hopefully ease up any tension from not knowing eachother quite as well as we’d like to.

I responded to her by basically saying my feelings on getting together quickly too, how grateful I am that she picked me, how I have problems of my own too and that I’m sorry due to those problems possibly tiring her. I also said how I try to tone down my ‘expressiveness’ for her comfort, and that it’s exhausting for me too to hide my love for her, but that I’d ‘die of exhaustion if it meant seeing her happy and comfortable and being with her’. I told her that she didn’t have to force herself to be a certain way too, because I’d stay by her side no matter what, because I like HER and not just what she does. I ended by basically saying that I want nothing more to know her as much as she’s willing to teach me, and that all I asked for was reassurance from time to time that we were okay, and that she still liked me and loved me and found me attractive and all. I thanked her for taking the time to tell me all this instead of bottling it all up, and left it.
(I feel this is important too, but I asked her afterwards ‘if he told her now that he liked her, what would she say’ and she replied by saying ‘no, because i don’t even like him like that’)

But now I’m just stuck. One part of me is happy that she picked me, that I’m still her boyfriend… but the other part of me is panicking, and overthinking, and so SO jealous beyond belief. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help but be jealous. And I don’t know what to feel about all this, or what to do, or even anything at this point.

I love this girl, and I’d do anything to stay by her side and be her boyfriend, but feeling more like a friend who happens to love her, and feeling like I have to compete with this guy now, is absolutely killing me.

Any advice is truly appreciated beyond belief, and thank you so much for reading through all my rambling :>