u/Normal-Internal164

…and optician jokes are even cornea

I’m not a massive fan but my brother is absolutely obsessed. He’s seen them 34 times, first time was around 1991 and he went to the Rollercoaster show at the NEC in Birmingham England. They played with JAMC, Dinosaur Jr and Blur. He reliably informs me that I’ve seen them 9 times. I had no idea!

…were stood next to the Sea of Galilee.

Disciple Luke turned to Jesus and said “My lord what is that in the distance?”

“It is an oil rig my child” responded Jesus, pointing out to sea

“Can we go and see this oil rig?” Asked disciple Matthew

“Oh yes please master, can we go and see?” Asked disciple Paul

“Yes my children, we shall go and see” said Jesus

So they dived into the sea whilst Jesus casually walked on the water along side them, heading towards the oil rig.

Half way there, they are all absolutely knackered and struggling to stay afloat. The three disciples, nearly drowning spluttered “Our lord, we will not make it, we’re drowning…”

Jesus replied: “My children, it is simple, just hop on the pipe and walk there like I’m doing!”

“What are you now? 12,14?”

“I’m 31”

Human Remains was only 6 episodes but I think it’s up there with the funniest work Brydon and Davies have done.

Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….

“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”

“Yes, yes!!!”

“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”

“Ok, ok!!”

Passengers are sweating with panic…

“You see the dial above the copilots head?”

“Yes, yes!!”

“Make sure it is rotated 90 degrees clockwise”

The passengers follow the order ….

“Ok it’s done!!!!”

More instructions from ATC…

“Now the blue button on the left hand panel…make sure that is engaged”

“Ok, ok I think it’s done” sweats the passenger

“Good. Now slide the red lever 50% northwards”

The passengers are in a state of flux but coping….

After 5 or 6 minutes of intense conversation and instructions, air traffic control declare…

“Ok, I think we’re going to be ok……

……you’re all clear to take off”

….now I’m dealing with emotional baggage

….luckily I was the one facing the telly

©️Tim Vine

….my garden is portrait

…and pulled a mussel

Same crab got a new job without a pay rise…it was a sideways move

….it had Mold on it