u/Nice_Pool_2455

Do I hate you?

No.

Do I love you?

Yes

Romantically?

I don't know, I didn't really process it in the moment and now I'm confused.

Do I regret what we did?

Only because it fucked up our relationship.

Did I plan it?

No. It might have crossed my mind but I would never ever try to put you in an uncomfortable position.

If I could go back would I do it again?

I'd be seriously tempted but no. I wouldn't.

Am I still mad about the money?

No, I was just frustrated that I had to remind you.

Would I like to be friends again?

Yes very much so.

What do I want?

For us to forget what happened.

What do I fear?

That you've forgotten about me, that you never really cared.

Will I ever try to contact you again?

No, I promised you I wouldn't. That's why I'm writing here.

Why can't I just move on?

Because I have no clue how you felt or you feel. There's too many unanswered questions.

If you came back asked me to be with you, would I accept?

I don't know, but probably not. I feel I'd just drag you down.

That's it that's everything.

I have always hated the beach. I never enjoy the sun . There's disgusting crap thrown around. It's usually crowded, and there's people making a racket and acting the fool.

But now I'd give anything to be sitting on the beach with you again. Looking at the sea at night. Slightly buzzed from drinking that cheap shit. Just talking. Being comfortable.

I've thought about going back on my own. But there's no point going without you. It wouldn't be as nice on my own, just painful.

I know you will never read these messages, but a part of me hopes that you do. And if there's one thing I want you to understand, it's that I still care about you, and what we had still matters to me. Not in an obsessive way. Just pain that I'm not ready to let go of yet.

And if you're too scared to reach out: just like a message or something. I'll know. Until then I'll keep my promise to you.

I know that between us I have much more to be sorry for and I take full responsibility for my actions. I should've stepped back. I had a chance to stop you kissing me but I didn't. I didn't want to. I should've been braver, had more self-control. And I should've looked you in the eye when we went our separate ways. I should've been more gracious and used my words better. I know I tried to do right in the end but if I accidentally hurt you then , I'm so so sorry.

You made mistakes too, but you already know what they are. If I hadn't made it clear I forgave them ages ago. But sometimes I'm afraid that you're spiraling in your own mind. I hope that you've forgotten about me, that you're moving forward. A selfish part of me, the part that refuses to let go, hopes you'll reach out, and that you still care for me.

I hope that things are going well for you and that you meet someone new, someone better, and that when we meet again you are glad to see me, unaware of the pain that's sure to be inside me at that moment.

For the little that it's worth, I did love you....I still love you.

I hope you love yourself.

I'm trying and failing to love myself right now.

Take care,

I know that between us I have much more to be sorry for and I take full responsibility for my actions. I should've stepped back. I had a chance to stop you kissing me but I didn't. I didn't want to. I should've been braver, had more self-control. And I should've looked you in the eye when we went our separate ways. I should've been more gracious and used my words better. I know I tried to do right in the end but if I accidentally hurt you then , I'm so so sorry.

You made mistakes too, but you already know what they are. If I hadn't made it clear I forgave them ages ago. But sometimes I'm afraid that you're spiraling in your own mind. I hope that you've forgotten about me, that you're moving forward. A selfish part of me, the part that refuses to let go, hopes you'll reach out, and that you still care for me.

I hope that things are going well for you and that you meet someone new, someone better, and that when we meet again you are glad to see me, unaware of the pain that's sure to be inside me at that moment.

For the little that it's worth, I did love you....I still love you.

I hope you love yourself.

I'm trying and failing to love myself right now.

Take care,

Someone asked me what I want for an upcoming birthday.

I didn't answer cuz all I could think of was a text from you...😞

I wish you would reach out. Tell me you're doing ok, that.you miss me, or hate me, or have moved on. That your exams went well. That things are getting better. That you'd even just add me back on Instagram.

It's been almost a year, and I can get through most days. But there are moments when I'm alone in silence and my mind goes through the memories, thinking what I could've done better, what I should have said. Thinking about what could have been or what should be if we never went there. And sometimes I can't help thinking about what would happen if we actually got together. Worrying about what you feel or how you think of me, and more importantly yourself.

I would never force myself into your life, and I promised I'd stop bothering you. There's no point in wishing for something that can never be. But I do wish you felt you could at least talk to me.

Would you want to forget?

Or have you already forgotten?

I'm doing a lot better rn. There's been a couple of days that I haven't thought about you at all.

I don't think I'll ever really understand how I feel until next time we're face to face but I know that even if you hate me I can move forward with my life.

I hope you're doing okay, I still worry sometimes. I know you hate when people say things like that but it's better than no one caring.

If you ever want to talk, just reach out. I know you won't but you can.

Take care,