u/New_Mix_5870

Little rant here. WHY?!? Does this happen to anybody else, or am I just crazy and fat? It's always around this time; 6 pm is the witching hour for me. I just get the most annoying urge to pig out on fast food. It has to be something greasy and not from my house. I'm diabetic; this shit is going to kill me. I keep thinking, "Oh, I'll just figure it out tomorrow. Oh, this is the last time." I need to set an example for my kid brother. I'm always telling him fast food is bad, and I just keep going back. I got up in the middle of the night last night for fucking McDonald's for no reason. I'm killing myself but that doesn't seem to scare my dumb ass enough. I've acknowledged the problem and know the dangers, so wtf, why is it so hard to not get up and go get this shit? I would say just take my car away, but I LITERALLY live right behind a strip of fast food restaurants. I could literally hop a fence and be there. I would move but that's not feasible right now sadly. So the only solution I see is to get rid of all my money. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to start bawling my eyes out. I have no willpower; I give up. Ok the complaining is over.

I'm not attractive in any way whatsoever. People always say, "Don't talk about yourself like that," and blah blah, but it's true: I don't fit the standards of beauty that most people have. In society, I am seen as ugly, that's it, and I have ruled out ever having a boyfriend or getting married because it's unlikely. Especially with the way my life is going, I'll never have kids either. I'm disabled and unemployed too. I'm just being REAL. I believe there are things I'm just not meant to have. I've got a face only a mother could love. I've lost almost 100 pounds since last year in a bid to become more attractive and also to avoid dying of diabetes complications, and I'm still ugly, just slightly less puffy. I'm bitching, but it's true. How do people cope with this? I feel like screaming no matter what I do; I'm stuck here in this body. It's funny: I refuse to get plastic surgery and also just can't get it anyway because I'm broke. I refuse to get it because I feel like I would regret it, and I also don't think it's right to change my natural face because of somebody else's standards, and I'll still be unattractive to a lot of people for a ton of other reasons. YOU CAN'T WIN. I don't even think my face is fixable tbh. I've got so much internalized self hate it's not even funny.

My life is a mess. All I do is worry about the future and death these days. Idk what's going on, but lately I feel like I've been hit by a semi truck of fear. I'm going to ramble; read at your own discretion. I'm 25, about to be 26 in August, and have no degree in anything. I never went to college and barely graduated high school. I'm on disability because of mental illness, and it's embarrassing. I feel like my disability is not actually a disability because you can't see it. I feel useless, and of course, money is tight because of it. I could try to work a minimum-wage job because that's probably all I could get with my education and fail miserably like I have in the past. I used to have a job, and my mental health issues ruined it, so staying on disability seems safer right now, but I have no savings and idk if you can live on disability your entire life. Either way, I just see things being terrible. It's either trying to go to school and trying not to crack under the pressure and end up in debt with a useless degree because what if I don't even end up using the damn thing, because it turns out I hate whatever it is I decided to go to school for. It's either risking being homeless because I'm too mentally unstable to hold a normal job or being kind of safe on disability. I honestly feel like something is going to go wrong with that at this point. I Shouldn't even speak that into existence because I'd be screwed. I can't stop thinking about when my mother dies and I have to go on without her, and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to. I've got a nine-year-old little brother, and I just hope she makes it to him being 18. I've got a schizophrenic older sister who can barely do anything for herself, and my older brother is also mentally disabled. My life feels like a train wreck. Did I mention we're on Section 8, and the government is trying to take that away too? I don't know what to do; I'm panicking. It's actually making me suicidal, but what would killing myself help? It would just make things worse for those around me, and plus I like being able to think and listen to music, so at least there's that.

My life is a mess. All I do is worry about the future and death these days. Idk what's going on, but lately I feel like I've been hit by a semi truck of fear. I'm going to ramble; read at your own discretion. I'm 25, about to be 26 in August, and have no degree in anything. I never went to college and barely graduated high school. I'm on disability because of mental illness, and it's embarrassing. I feel like my disability is not actually a disability because you can't see it. I feel useless, and of course, money is tight because of it. I could try to work a minimum-wage job because that's probably all I could get with my education and fail miserably like I have in the past. I used to have a job, and my mental health issues ruined it, so staying on disability seems safer right now, but I have no savings and idk if you can live on disability your entire life. Either way, I just see things being terrible. It's either trying to go to school and trying not to crack under the pressure and end up in debt with a useless degree because what if I don't even end up using the damn thing, because it turns out I hate whatever it is I decided to go to school for. It's either risking being homeless because I'm too mentally unstable to hold a normal job or being kind of safe on disability. I honestly feel like something is going to go wrong with that at this point. I Shouldn't even speak that into existence because I'd be screwed. I can't stop thinking about when my mother dies and I have to go on without her, and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to. I've got a nine-year-old little brother, and I just hope she makes it to him being 18. I've got a schizophrenic older sister who can barely do anything for herself, and my older brother is also mentally disabled. My life feels like a train wreck. Did I mention we're on Section 8, and the government is trying to take that away too? I don't know what to do; I'm panicking. It's actually making me suicidal, but what would killing myself help? It would just make things worse for those around me, and plus I like being able to think and listen to music, so at least there's that.

My life is a mess. All I do is worry about the future and death these days. Idk what's going on, but lately I feel like I've been hit by a semi truck of fear. I'm going to ramble; read at your own discretion. I'm 25, about to be 26 in August, and have no degree in anything. I never went to college and barely graduated high school. I'm on disability because of mental illness, and it's embarrassing. I feel like my disability is not actually a disability because you can't see it. I feel useless, and of course, money is tight because of it. I could try to work a minimum-wage job because that's probably all I could get with my education and fail miserably like I have in the past. I used to have a job, and my mental health issues ruined it, so staying on disability seems safer right now, but I have no savings and idk if you can live on disability your entire life. Either way, I just see things being terrible. It's either trying to go to school and trying not to crack under the pressure and end up in debt with a useless degree because what if I don't even end up using the damn thing, because it turns out I hate whatever it is I decided to go to school for. It's either risking being homeless because I'm too mentally unstable to hold a normal job or being kind of safe on disability. I honestly feel like something is going to go wrong with that at this point. I Shouldn't even speak that into existence because I'd be screwed. I can't stop thinking about when my mother dies and I have to go on without her, and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to. I've got a nine-year-old little brother, and I just hope she makes it to him being 18. I've got a schizophrenic older sister who can barely do anything for herself, and my older brother is also mentally disabled. My life feels like a train wreck. Did I mention we're on Section 8, and the government is trying to take that away too? I don't know what to do; I'm panicking. It's actually making me suicidal, but what would killing myself help? It would just make things worse for those around me, and plus I like being able to think and listen to music, so at least there's that.