It took me 6 months of no contact and 7 months after the breakup to be able to finally block her on Spotify.
During these 6 months I had been progressively blocking her on twitter, instagram and all the other places we were still connected. I didn't manage to delete the texts but I hid them, maybe one day I'll be able to delete them. I also hid all the photos. I decided not to delete them cause they're my memories too, of trips we took and places we visited. Won't be looking at those anytime soon though.
It took time and lots of work on myself and my grief, it wasn't linear. She blindsided me and discarded me after almost 4 years together. After countless "I love you's", family plans and "you're my home" type of statements.
To say I went into severe shock for months (and still am) over how she chose to treat me is an understatement. I still struggle with anger, disappointment, shame, can't sleep well because of the nightmares, struggle with headaches, crying a lot etc. It's been a mess.
I always asked for honesty and expected it back, but she was dishonest through and through and I only found out in the end. She left me questioning myself and the reality of what I thought we lived. Detonated the atomic bomb and left me to deal with the aftermath alone.
I deeply loved that woman and wanted to marry her and build a family with her, and I was so so devastated when she chose to throw me away like trash as if I had meant nothing. Without a conversation, disrespectfully. I understand someone not wanting to be in a relationship anymore, but I don't understand how they can be so cruel and cold with the same person they once swore they loved.
I can't say I fully don't care anymore, but I'm slowly reaching that stage. Everything she did, the choices she made, they were all a reflection of her character (or rather her lack of character) and who she was. I tried my best to be a good partner and I can say that although I did have my fair share of mistakes and shortcomings, I showed up honestly and was vulnerable with someone who, deep down, never truly deserved it.
I accepted things I never would've before because I trusted her not to hurt me like she did. I abandoned myself during most of the relationship and for that I also need to learn to forgive myself for.
Blocking her on Spotify was different because we shared so many intimate songs and memories, so many playlists and beautiful moments there.
I never wanted her back (or the relationship as it had been back) even though it hurt. I wanted her to acknowledge the pain she caused and all those things that we hope for at some point, but that also died a while ago because she's simply not a woman capable of facing herself and being honest about her fuckups.
And I refuse to stay emotionally tied to a coward.
People keep saying to just give it time, that time helps heal all wounds. Ironically, she told me the same thing while breaking up with me.
What I can say is: no, it's not just time. It's you. It's you choosing yourself and choosing to move forward with your life. They made their choice, you can make yours now.
So, if you've been struggling to block them or move past them, don't worry, you'll get there eventually no matter how deeply you loved them.