u/New-Affect7170

From looking at questionable things, things I’ve done at the beginning, things I can’t properly remember, idk. ! I feel like what haven’t I done. I’ve fucked up so much. He knows some stuff. I feel like it’s gonna end the relationship but he has to know and I’m so scared if we break up I think I’ll actually die and get that broken heart syndrome shit I’m so scared.

I’ve put it off for some time because I freeze up whenever I want to tell him, but now I feel like it’s inevitable and the feelings are just getting worse and worse. I can’t get therapy right now, I gotta wait 2-3 months from insurance complications. I feel like I’ve ruined the best thing in my life and I’m already mourning the end of it and crying everyday and having nightmares.

I don’t wanna hurt him the idea makes me wanna legit die. My behavior already shows I’m unhealthy I’m so attached to him idk I feel like a mess. I KNOW he doesn’t deserve this it’s so overwhelming to deal with this as the other person. Idk what help I’m asking for, maybe some attention or acknowledgement because I’m lonely outside of this relationship, idk who to turn to. I don’t want to put a lot of shit on my best friend or older sister, it gets to a point lol

I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t trust myself or my intentions, I think I’m genuinely and objectively evil, and I feel absolutely terrified all the time. My heart HURTS. I feel like I’m in psychosis sometimes and it’s preventing me from enjoying life

I think I’ve done questionable things in the past that at the time I didn’t see as wrong. But now that I’m in this spiral and freaking out over anything I do, I DO see these things as wrong. And I think they are objectively wrong too, and I don’t know how I was stupid enough to not see it.

I never want to cheat, I’ve always treasured my boyfriend and wanted to keep him around. BUT! That doesn’t make whatever I’ve done okay, and I’ve had the idea for a long time to confess but I feel like I freeze up whenever I want to.

I feel terrible for keeping it to myself when I feel like it’s stuff he should know. I’m so scared and I wanna die at the thought of hurting his feelings. I feel dread and that feeling of impending doom every day surrounding this whole thing