u/MrsLadybug1986

Upcoming meeting with client confidant on force in care

Sorry flairs don’t work again but I’m looking for kind words/well wishes but this is mostly a rant.

TL;DR: on Monday I’ll bee meeting with the client confidant on involuntary care due to a worsening in restraint and other restrictive measures from my staff. Wish me luck!

Remember how a few weeks ago I posted about staff at my care home making me feel as if I’m responsible for their frustration? Well the situation got quite a bit worse, to the point where last Monday I was literally dragged to my room by two staff (both holding onto one arm and pulling me) for the crime of appearing slightly distressed (all I was doing was twirling my hair) in the living room when the stafff wanted to have breakfast with my fellow clients.

I do have a Wzd (Dutch Care and Force Act) agreement that says I can be dragged to my room if I’m in “phase 3” of my signaling plan. This phase includes screaming/yelling, object throwing, physical aggression and self-harm and I can totally see why for the safety of both myself and my fellow residents I should be in my room then. However, there literally never is no buildup to this and my signaling plan does include other interventions when I’m starting to show distress (phase 1 and 2). Besides, even if I am to be taken to my room, I am to have a trusted staff with me for regulation, preferably one who wasn’t involved in the buildup. Unfortunately, most staff see my needing someone else as a threat to their expertise even though I’ve like literally had problems with every single staff during the 2 1/2 years I’ve lived here and most staff have also been in the role of trustedd de-escalator.

Anyway, on Monday I was literally pushed onto my bed then told the staff would be back in 45 minutes. My door wasn’t locked but only because it’s physically impossible to lock me in right now (I’m afraid that’ll change soon). One of the staff involved has a long history of physically holding my door shut and telling others to do so, so I was too scared to try to get out of my room. After crying for about half an hour, I froze. The staff found me lying “quietly” (her words) on my bed. When I couldn’t get up quickly enough, she bluntly asked me if I wanted to stay in bed all day.

I tried to talk the situation over with her on Thursday but she just said it had been her and her coworker’s decision all along, since I’d been in the living room in slight distress about half an hour earlier too. Apparently while I was voluntarily in my room for about half an hour the two of them had conferred about forcing me into my room if I came out again. This has caused me to lose trust in the other staff, who was one of the staff who used to use the least force on me. The initiating staff has a long history of ignoring my signaling plan. Unfortunately she claimed to have discussed this with my assigned staff, my support coordinator, the team leader and the behavior specialist. This was in fact what prompts me to contact the client confidant, as all of these higher-ups have been understanding to my face. It looks like they’re all double-mouthed if that’s a word: pleasing me to my face yet giving their coworkers permission to do whatever they want with me behind my back.

I’m hoping this meeting on Monday will give me more clarity on my and the staff’s rights/obligations.

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u/MrsLadybug1986 — 6 days ago

Hi all. I don’t think I’ve ever posted to this community but I wanted to share my feelings and maybe someone can commiserate/offer hope/just listen.

I’m nearly 40 and have struggled with depression on and off since childhood, but the thing is I’ve also at one point been diagnosed with BPD, so I perpetually tell myself my dark (including suicidal) thoughts are “just for attention”. Over the past few months, my depressive mood seems to have worsened. I used to blame my lack of meaningful activities (I’m unemployed due to multiple disabilities), but lately I’m not so sure that’s the case anymore. I after all do still pursue my hobbies almost daily but I no longer enjoy them. Then I feel guilty for not being able to cherish the good moments I experience. I do write daily positives and negatives (mostly for my support staff to learn about me) and I am still able to write down at least one positive most days, but lately it’s been feeling more like a chore than something that actually helps.

I’m currently more and more considering taking my life or going the end-of-life route (where I live, euthanasia for unbearable and unrelievable suffering due to mental illness is legal). I’m already on the highest dose of an antidepressant and have been for many years. I’m tapering an antipsychotic which I believe is approved as adjuvant to an antidepressant but I was originally prescribed it for autism-related irritability and I’m not sure whether at the higher dose it was actually helping my depression or just making it harder for me to act out my feelings. I mean I’m 100% sure I cry more, make more suicidal comments, nag more about my lacking something to look forward to and me not having (enough) meaningful activities. However, I’m pretty sure my depressed mood has been lingering forever. I’m not currently seeing a psychiatrist and haven’t seen one in years. If I go see one at some point, I’d be open to a med tweak but I honestly never felt non-depressed except for a few months when I was 1. on the highest dose of both my antidepressant and antipsychotic plus two anticonvulsants for anxiety/PTSD and 2. I had far better support than I have now or will ever be able to get again. I’m just not sure there’s going to be any relief…

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u/MrsLadybug1986 — 11 days ago