u/Mobile_Praline_1443

For context I found out I was trans at 11 but came out at 14 (turning 15 in 2 weeks or so) so 15 things for 15 years

NUMBER 1!!! wishing every night at 22:22 to wake up as a boy!

2. I was/am so depressed I forgot most of the past 4 years. Anyway, going out shirtless

3. To be isekaid

4. Breast cancer (I started wishing for this before I even started puberty)

5. To find out I'm suddenly intersex

6. Leukemia

7. kissing girls

8. To be hit by a car

9. Anything lethal

10. For the entire male population to burn because I was/still am so envious

11. To be born into another family and or in a different country

12. To have never been born at all

13. To be rich so I could actually fully transition

14. Having a dick

15. Going back in time to present as a boy since childhood

Idk how relatable these will be lol

For context I found out I was trans at 11 but came out at 14 (turning 15 in 2 weeks or so) so 15 things for 15 years

NUMBER 1!!! wishing every night at 22:22 to wake up as a boy!

2. I was/am so depressed I forgot most of the past 4 years. Anyway, going out shirtless

3. To be isekaid

4. Breast cancer (I started wishing for this before I even started puberty)

5. To find out I'm suddenly intersex

6. Leukemia

7. kissing girls

8. To be hit by a car

9. Anything lethal

10. For the entire male population to burn because I was/still am so envious

11. To be born into another family and or in a different country

12. To have never been born at all

13. To be rich so I could actually fully transition

14. Having a dick

15. Going back in time to present as a boy since childhood

Idk how relatable these will be lol

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. How can I live with myself when I'm like this??? There's LITERALLY nothing I can do. The country I live in is extremely transphobic so socially transitioning isn't an option, and medically transitioning is literally illegal. Like what the fuck?!?! Ive been severely depressed since like 10, and I kept telling myself it'd get better.

Well gee, it's been 5 fucking years and it's only gotten worse. Ive tried ending my life a few times but Ive never really told anyone and nobody knows I'm depressed. I came out to my mom, it went well but I feel as if she doesn't really believe my depression is that bad.

My dad was abusive. Psychologically but still. I haven't seen him in years. I have top AND bottom dysphoria and what's worse? I have this horrible paranoia about getting raped. Where the fuck did that even come from?? It's so bad I had to actually consider if I was assaulted as a child and just blocked it out of my memory or something?

Everything is so expensive. Looking at my male classmates or especially young boys like toddlers triggers something in me and I just want to kill them. Like actually kill them. Why them and not me? I can't afford coffee and I want to get top AND bottom surgery? I don't even like the result of most phallos but I don't want meta.

And not to mention how fucking expensive it is? Ill have to sell a kidney at least. I don't leave my house, and i have chronic malnourishment which definitely stunted my growth because I'm shorter than both of my parents and I'm the size of a 10 year old. A 10 YEAR OLD. I look like a freak. At least I pass.. For some reason I'm pretty masc/androgynous. People usually gender me male or can't tell

My mom told me we'd move to another country when I turn 16ish so I can transition but what is the point? Ill never be a real boy. Ill never get to experience a real erection. Ill never be able to have sex with a girl without feeling so fucking inferior in every way possible. I have a binder. It doesn't flatten me well enough. It makes me feel worse.

Should I just jump? I swear god saw me and said "yeah yeah, WORST LIFE IMAGINABLE FOR THIS WEIRD ABOMINATION" I don't even believe in the mf!? I used to think I was created by Satan when I did, that was when I was like 11. My depression has gotten so bad that I've spent multiple days without sleep, sometimes hallucinated and now chronically talk to myself as if my hallucinations are still here. Even they left me.

Basically, I realized I was trans at 11 (turning 15 in less than a month) and I chose the name Ace. I haven't been going by it, only online because I live in an unsafe country. Me and my mom plan on moving to another country when I turn 16ish and that came with the realization that ace literally makes no sense as my name

In my language Ace has probably never been said or pronounced In the history of ever. And with my surname it would just be like??? So now I've decided to use the name Toma, which was what my mom was going to name me if I were a boy and I've always really liked that name anyway. It also fits into my heritage

We'll most likely be moving to Spain and I'm not sure if the name Toma would be weird... In english, Toma would be Thomas or Tomas in spanish, but Toma specifically? I know Toma is an actual word in Spanish so maybe it would make sense? I mean, imagine someone coming up to you and saying their name is "take"

Any Spanish guys here? Would you think itd be weird. Tbf, hearing my surname would probably make people think "oh yeah, totally normal immigrant. Probably does not refer to the actual Spanish word"

It's simple really. I live in a country where being gay, trans, bi ect is not only frowned upon but illegal. Hrt for minors is illegal and extremely hard to access/borderline illegal for adults too(?) The only trans person in my country I know about was not only the first out and proud trans woman in our country but she was also murdered by her own boyfriend not that long ago which installed the already lingering fear that if anyone found out about me I would die.

Coming out is not an option. Though my mom knows and has accepted me(?). Socially coming out is also, not an option. Medically it's impossible, I'm turning 15

Soon anyway. Luckily for some reason I turned out to be pretty masc/androgynous. Even little old ladies can't tell my gender/gender me as male so id say I pass very well for pre t.

My family and I aren't well off/broke. My mom has a job that pays in peanuts, my dad isn't in my life and doesn't pay child support. Not that he has a job to begin with. Ive heard of other trans people from others around me, but they've all fled the country for safety... I don't know what to do.

My mom said we'd move to another country when I turn at least 16, but the only realistic way is with a student exchange program but adding in my severe depression that ive had for years and the fact that I BARELY get passing grades, mostly because of my teacher's pity, that doesn't seem achievable at all. What makes it worse is that I barely understand my native language and therefore I struggle a lot. Nobody is helping me.

I'm not like you guys. I can't just turn 18, move out, cut contact with the transphobes in my life and start T while living off of ramen. Thats literally impossible. I feel so stupid and defeated, ive spent all these years for nothing. I have shitty grades, no access to healthcare or even social transition and if I were to move, it'd be hard, Id be an immigrant and life just seems so hard...