u/Meouppe

I have suffered from severe migraines at a very young age. They started at around 11 years old. These were not just "bad headaches" , these were debilitating attacks that would cause me to throw up and pass out for hours and sometimes days due to the pain.

Since I was a minor at the time, there really wasn't much the doctors could give me to help with these symptoms.

But... Mother didn't really have time for that. And it became a competition.

"I used to get migraines just like that all the time and I got through it."

"My migraines were worse."

"You'll grow out of it like I did."

So she would leave me on the bathroom floor or on the floor of my bedroom for the duration of my illness, and I would suffer alone.

When my mother met one of her ex husbands (a man in his 50s, approximately 185 lbs), he would feel terrible for me and try to help me because he also suffered from migraines.

He was good to me. He would bring me hot and cold wash clothes and wipe the sweat off my forehead. He would change out my puke buckets and clean up my soiled sheets so I didn't have to sit in my filth, or clean up after myself once I was finally well again.

Eventually, mother suggested that I try his migraine medication. I was 16 and about 110 lbs.

This medication was a shot called Imitrex. It was pre loaded for his age, weight, and strength for his own medical issues.

The needle was similar to one that you would use to prick your finger if you're checking your blood sugar. But it was bigger. About an inch long. And the spring was heavy and powerful.

The injection spot is the thigh. Directly in the muscle. The impact from the spring loaded needle would leave a welt on my skin that would continue to bruise and spread for the next week.

And... The medication itself...

She could have just thrown me into an open fire and it would have done the same thing.

My hands and feet and face were on fire. I felt like it was blistering. I couldn't breathe. I started getting faint and dizzy. My throat closed up. My body started to shake and sweat.

I passed out on the bathroom floor.

I woke up a few hours later. The migraine was gone. I was groggy. But I felt okay.

Mother asked " how do you feel?"

I told her it was gone...

And that became my regular treatment. Every time I had a migraine, about 1-2 times a month, my mother would give me a loaded needle, I'd inject myself with my step father's medicine, run as fast as I could to a soft surface, and black out for 6-8 hours.

The pain of burning alive was often worse than the migraine itself. But it didn't last long.

I would sit on the edge of the toilet for hours with the device on my thigh..

Do I do it?

Do I not?

Can I make it through without it?

Do I need it?

Eventually I would still wake up with a migraine. And then the migraines would be worse when I awoke.

One day I woke up in the most pain I've ever felt up until that time. I remember seeing white and having a stabbing pain run through my eye and straight through the top of my brain. Like I was being pierced with an arrow. I stopped taking it then.

I looked it up... Imitrex..

Every single time I took that medication I could have died. It was a medical emergency. Every. Time.

And she would just leave me where I fell, and wait for me to wake up.

"How are you feeling?"

I have been going through a bit of a spiral with my health lately and have been thinking back to all the times I was sick when I was younger.

One thing that I suffered from at a very early age was severe migraines. They started at around 11 years old. These were not just "bad headaches" , these were debilitating attacks that would cause me to throw up and pass out for hours and sometimes days due to the pain.

Since I was a minor at the time, there really wasn't much the doctors could give me to help with these symptoms.

All I really could do was... Have someone take care of me when I was ill...

But... Mother didn't really have time for that. And it became a competition.

"I used to get migraines just like that all the time and I got through it."

"My migraines were worse."

"You'll grow out of it like I did."

So she would leave me on the bathroom floor or on the floor of my bedroom for the duration of my illness, and I would suffer alone.

When my mother met one of her ex husbands (a man in his 50s, approximately 185 lbs), he would feel terrible for me and try to help me because he also suffered from migraines.

He was good to me. He would bring me hot and cold wash clothes and wipe the sweat off my forehead. He would change out my puke buckets and clean up my soiled sheets so I didn't have to sit in my filth, or clean up after myself once I was finally well again.

Eventually, mother suggested that I try his migraine medication. I was 16 and about 110 lbs.

This medication was a shot... It was pre loaded for his age, weight, and strength for his own medical issues.

The needle was similar to one that you would use to prick your finger if you're checking your blood sugar. But it was bigger. About an inch long. And the spring was heavy and powerful.

The injection spot is the thigh. Directly in the muscle. The impact from the spring loaded needle would leave a welt on my skin that would continue to bruise and spread for the next week.

And... The medication itself...

They could have just thrown me into an open fire and it would have done the same thing.

My hands and feet and face were on fire. I felt like it was blistering. I couldn't breathe. I started getting faint and dizzy. My throat closed up.

And I passed out on the bathroom floor.

I woke up a few hours later. The migraine was gone. I was groggy. But I felr okay.

Mother asked " how do you feel?"

I told her it was gone...

And that became my regular treatment. Every time I had a migraine, about 1-2 times a month, I would inject myself with my step father's medicine, run as fast as I could to a soft surface, and black our for 6-8 hours.

The pain of burning alive was often worse than the migraine itself. But it didn't last long.

I would sit on the edge of the toilet for hours with the device on my thigh..

Do I do it?

Do I not?

Can I make it through without it?

Do I need it?

Eventually I would still wake up with a migraine. And then the migraines would be worse when I awoke.

I remember being hospitalized and being prescribed some kind of pain killer for cancer patients. .

It was 450 dollars a bottle and I could not afford to continue it. I do not know what it was called.

I stopped taking it after that.

But now I'm wondering...

Did she want me to take it so her husband didn't have to care for me?

So I would black out and shut up?

And when I woke up she could pretend nothing happened?

Well mom, I'm the age you were back then.... Am I allowed to be ill now?

I was a sick kid. I was in the hospital more time than I was at school.

EVERY time I told my mother about an illness, injury, or depressive symptom, she would always respond with, "just wait until you're my age."

My entire childhood I was told I was too young to be that sick. Too young to have that injury. Too young to be in that much pain.

So I ignored it. I pushed through the pain. I learned to ignore my body when it screamed at me.

Now, in my mid 30s, I have serious problems with :

Hip dysplasia

Chronic: neck, shoulder, knee, hip, lower back and eye pain.

I have not stopped bleeding from my private areas for about 4 years due to issues with my reproductive organs.

I have severe IBS and can only eat vegetables and some seafood, and therefore supper from chronic hyperglycemia, fatigue, nausea, dizziness, headache, migraine, intense stomach cramping, low iron, and malnutrition.

I was also an addict for about 6 years and have damaged my liver, kidneys and stomach.

I do not have a life.

I live in constant pain and discomfort. I work. I go home. I sleep. Because sleeping is better than being in pain.

I do not see friends or family. I do not go on vacations. I do not leave my home.

I am realizing now that I have been in denial for far too long.

It may be too late for me ..

Am I old enough now?

One night I was out at around 3 am (I worked the afternoon shift) having a smoke on my property. It was a Tuesday during the kids summer break.

There were a bunch of teenagers partying on an overpass making a lot of noise and disturbing the community. The overpass allowed people to see directly over my fence and into my property. But I could also see anyone who was on the overpass. People had to work in the morning, these kids were making one heck of a ruckus.

I decided that I would go speak to them (I am in my mid 30s) and tell them to be quiet or leave the property. This did not go well.

Immediately they started swearing at me and throwing rocks at me from the overpass.

I shouted at them that if they did not stop I would have no choice but to call the police. (A bluff. We don't call the cops around here.)

One of the boys then shouted at me "you don't scare us. You sound like a chick anyway."

I paused for a moment... And then responded

"I.. I am a chick."

To which the teenager replied "well you sound like an f-ing dude then." And proceeded to tell me that they were all going to come down there and beat me up.

I couldn't help it. It was like hearing a toddler swear. I started snickering. I don't think they liked that much.

They once again told me that I was going to get my a** beat, to which I told them to bring it on and calmly walked out onto the road.

They left.

I kept laughing.

The neighbour remained undisturbed for the next 4 nights.