u/Mellonheaduq

My last Quarter grades have been terrible. I have Ds and Cs I’m probably going to get an F in AP Physics. I originally had all As in the beginning of the school year then later on I started having personal problems and a lot of crazy events happening to me which led to me just completely neglecting school. So will my offer to this college get rescinded? It’s a in-state college with an 85% acceptance rate and I think its ranks in the 170s in National College ranks.

These people and their bombastic voices are EVERYWHERE. There’s either an argument going on, a bunch of mindless yelling and screaming, three people talking in the phone at once with their loud African voices, and nonsense everywhere.

When I tell you I have tried everything to get away from these people and their stupidity I am not exaggerating. I have tried headphones to drown out their stupidity and toxic traditionalist rhetoric, I have tried ear plugs to go to sleep in this loud house. I have tried waking up early like really really early (3am) just to find some dumbass or dumbasses awake in the middle of the night eating some beef stew and talking on the phone to people back home. Ive tried being a night owl and staying up late at night and still there’s someone still awake at that time. Does nobody sleep in this house?! I’ll come from work and school and still find someone here and even worse they’re with visitors.

This irks my soul because I also have ADHD and huge sensory issues so I cannot even concentrate in this house especially when it comes to school, and the library is like 30 minutes away and I have no car. And the amount of illogical stuff I’ve heard in this house to justify idiotic acts is ridiculous and impressive. It’s impressive how religion and traditionalism can allow someone to sustain themselves across the bounds of knowledge (barely).

Anyway I’m moving out I’m too tired of these people and seeing their faces.

I’m a senior in high-school right now with barely any money and barely any motivation to do quite literally anything. Everyday there’s always some bullshit happening like drama and once or twice a year a physical fight. The stress of school and the stress of this household has been getting to me for the past two years. Ive been breaking down more than I used to. When I was younger, I barely had any mental break downs, even so it increased to two mental breakdowns in middle school, and in my formative years of high-school it was 3 a year. For the past two years it’s been a weekly thing. I don’t know why this happens now, why the toxicity of this household is starting to get to me and ruin my life and dwindle my strength to hold on to life but I know that if I continue like this I will eventually die but I also don’t have anywhere to go. And I’m torn between allowing them to pay for my education/funding my future while enduring this miserable life or just running away with no money, and nothing to my name. I’m not even in my right mind right now because I’ve been forgetting things more, losing perception of time and perception of myself. And trust me I’d love to end it but I’m scared that there’s life after death. I don’t want there to be life after death but instead darkness or nothing. I just want it to be the end.

I hate waking up early in the morning. I hate the fact that I have to be by the school at 6:30. I hate the fact that I have to wake up at 3. I hate all these AP classes I was forced to take, I hate the fact that I don’t feel like I fit in. I hate that I feel inferior to my classmates. I hate how everyone around me seems to have their lives planned, their dream schools achieved except for me. I hate the fact that I have no say in what I do, it’s either I follow the path of my older sibling or I’m on my own. I hate that I’m forced to go to a college I want no part in. I hate the racist assholes I have to put up with in this school. I hate the apathetic teachers and the teachers who try to make life harder than it already is. I hate the fact that I can’t do my assignments anymore for the life of me, I hate how I can’t even manage my time. I hate how fucked my sleep schedule is. I only sleep in naps not a continuous cycle because of these damn alarm clocks I keep setting up so I can’t miss that stupid bus. I hate the fact that I’ve also been navigating these college applications and FAFSA by myself while also juggling school and clubs and a lot of family drama while others have guardians that can help them out. I hate that when I tell my parent I want a gap year before I’m off to college she dismisses me as lazy and tells me it won’t happen because my older sibling didn’t take one.

I’m tired. I’m tired of assignments piling up one after the other. It’s not like I’m stupid or lazy I literally write books and play the guitar in my free time. But my family seems to think I’m lazy after the amount of school I have missed, the amount of tardies I’ve accumulated. I mean today I could not sleep at all until 3am but even so I woke up at 4 then went back to sleep then woke up at 5:30, back to sleep again, then 6:40, and then asleep again up until 7:20. And my mother came home from work to see me still in my room and not in school. God she was so angry she banged and yelled at my door and told my lazy self to get up. I felt so bad because this is what she has had to deal with for the past few months after working overtime. Coming back home to find her burdensome kid in bed. The amount of times she’s banged that door to the point where the locks have worn out is insane. There are even times I refuse to get up and lay in bed for the rest of the school day, locked away in my room with only my thoughts. I hate how I literally have no perception of time, I would say I’d do an assignment for 30 minutes because it’s easy and then it would take hours upon hours. I suspect I have adhd but I don’t have the money to get diagnosed and my family isn’t the type to believe in stuff like that. I hate how I have to juggle my father’s wrong doings, his once other secret family, his growing absence from us to go spend time with his other kids and his disowning me. I haven’t talked to the man for months now after a big fight and I haven’t talked to my older sibling too after getting jumped by her. I hate how I have to juggle bullshit like this with school, this fuckass school. There are times when the stress gets bad to the point where I wanna Kms, I mean I tried once and hilariously failed. I haven’t even showered in a week because I keep telling myself I’ll do my assignments and work then shower but I never seem to have a damn concept of time or the urgency to do work so I never shower for the day because I postponed my assignments for 3am. Except when I wake up at 3am I just lay there heavy with sleep but then wanting to finish up work. I hate how I’m compared to my sibling because she is a stellar straight A student who cares about herself and her grades while I just “worry” and “torment” people.

For reference I’m writing this in the school bathroom as I skip my class where everyone talks to each other but me the only POC there. I’m so tired man.