u/MaudeDib

So anyway, I’m standing on my front porch at midnight, throwing a grown man’s overnight bag into the yard while screaming, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!!!  :::Record scratch.:::

Yeah, I know. How did we get here?  So ok.. we’d been dating about a month and honestly things had been great. Andy was thoughtful, funny, emotionally intelligent, employed, communicative, (not MAGA), so like AAALL the things.  We could talk for hours. We even had overlapping interests, and unlike a lot of men I’ve dated, he actually seemed willing to engage in some of mine too.  So a quick side note: it’s funny how many men expect women to learn football, gaming, golf, fishing, bourbon, crypto, or whatever their hobby is, but suddenly develop amnesia when it comes to reciprocating that kind energy. Anyway, so yeah there were ZERO red flags. Not a single one and believe me at my age I’m on the lookout for them.  Until suddenly there was one so large it could’ve been seen from outer fucking space..

Things had  progressed naturally and he was going to come spend the night for the first time. And yeah, we were going to have sex for the first time.  The timing was perfect because mMy daughter was away camping for the weekend. For context, I am EXTREMELY careful about who I allow around my kid. In fact, not a single man I’ve dated since she was born has even met her and she's now 12. Not one. I don’t want strange men traipsing in and out of her life and I’m gonna be honest: I’m always half suspicious that anyone dating a single woman with a child is a pedo, so there’s that.  Sorry, not sorry, but I’ve seen too many headlines, seen too many court cases, ya know?   So yes, I take that shit seriously.

We’d both gotten tested beforehand because we’d discussed being responsible adults. Great. Wonderful. Gold stars all around!!  What I did NOT realize was that apparently, in his feeble mind, “getting tested” translated to: “Congratulations! I now have unrestricted access to her body and reproductive system and I can put my sperm into her, willy nilly..” 

So there we are, things getting hot and heavy under da covers, and I open the nightstand like the prepared and proud Girl Scout I am and say, “Take your pick” and I'll put it on.. I was so thoughtful, I bought different sizes, varieties, etc. When I tell you this man stares at the condoms like I just slapped his mother… Then he gives me this disgusted look and goes: “Wait, what the fuck did I get checked for then!? Don’t you trust me? I don’t have sex with condoms.”

And just like that, the entire vibe died a rather ugly death. Because here’s the thing women learn over and over: The real test of a man’s character is not how he acts when things are going his way. It’s how he reacts to boundaries. I immediately jumped out of bed, threw on a robe, and moved the conversation to the living room because naked and vulnerable is not where I’m going to negotiate my safety with an angry man.

He kept repeating: “So what was the point of getting tested then?” And I explained, calmly:
“The point was mutual health and responsibility. It was NEVER a blanket agreement for unprotected sex.” Then came the classic greatest hits album: “You don’t trust me.” “You’re overreacting.” “You’re controlling.” “You’re hysterical.”   “How can you have sex with someone you don’t trust?” etc etc..  Some of them he directly sometimes in so many words.  

I noted in real time how fast “kind, respectful man” turned into “woman is crazy for having boundaries.” I told him: “It’s not just about you. It’s about every person you may have slept with before me. And honestly? This reaction tells me more than any medical test result ever could.”

And THAT'S when he hit me with this absolute TED Talk from Hell: “Don’t you get it? Safety is an illusion!”

Sir.

SIR.

Ain’t nobody got time for this bullshit.  And at that point I was DONE. D.O.N.E. and honestly, I don’t even know why I let the conversation even go THAT far.  I should have kicked him out from the jump. Because underneath all the pseudo philosophical nonsense, what he was really saying was: “My desire to avoid mild inconvenience matters more than your comfort, your health, your bodily autonomy, and your clearly stated boundaries.” And then trying to make ME feel irrational for it. That’s the part that snapped everything into focus for me… it wasn’t that the condom issue itself, it was the manipulation.   The way he immediately pivoted to making me defend my right to say no and  reframed basic self protection as a personal insult to his penis. The way he tried to gaslight me to get what he wanted. And when none of that worked suddenly I was “crazy.”  Funny how often “crazy” just means: “woman who won’t cave to your complete & utter bullshit.” Yeah, you picked wrong woman for that bullshit, sweetheart.

So yes, I kicked him out on the spot. I said, “Holy fuck. Has that kind of manipulation actually worked for you in the past?  How fucking gross!  Please just go.”  He said, wait, are you serious!?”    “Serious as a fucking heart attack. GET. OUT!”  And when he refused to leave and kept saying he couldn’t believe that I was “ending a good relationship over something small,” (yup, another manipulation, folks!)  I grabbed his stuff, opened the front door, and launched his overnight bag into the yard from the front porch and screamed like a banshee about calling the cops. And I was LOUD enough for the whole neighborhood to hear and at that point I didn't care.   (Oh and  inwardly VERY gleeful that his shit splayed all over the yard because the bag was unzipped!) 

He finally left, still muttering about how I was crazy and overreacting. Blah blah blah, whatever. I locked the door,immediately blocked him from everything,  turned up  Doja Cat (Boss Bitch), Athrea Franklin (Respect), Florence + the Machine (shake it out), Beyonce (flawless), etc…and danced around the kitchen with the music on full volume  while I made a late night dinner, which was: the the breakfast I had planned to make us in the morning: high protein pancakes with lemon zest from scratch, topped  with fresh whipped cream, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries.. And just to add to the decadence, a chocolate croissant.  It was fucking delicious! I scarfed that shit down, showered his stank off me, changed the sheets, then slept like a baby.

Anyways, listen up. If a man gets angry and manipulative when you prioritize your health, THAT is the red flag. When they don’t respect your boundaries about anything, whatever they  are, THAT is the issue, THAT is the crazy.  The boundary itself is not the issue, YOU are not the issue, it’s all about his reaction to it.   Stand by yourself.  Always.  

Thank you for coming to my mini Ted Talk. Oh and hey, Andy?  Go fuck yourself, you absolute twat.