Hey everyone, Lobster here. I used to comb this page and post frequently when I was going through the depths of my breakup. It's been almost 3 years and I want to share a few things I've learned in regards to healing and moving on. I'm completely healed now and have been for some time.
The biggest thing that I learned about the emotions I was feeling was that they stemmed from the absence of emotions I used to feel - love, companionship, purpose, unity, etc.
The emotions you feel directly after a breakup stem from the absence of the emotions you used to feel. You no longer have that instant source of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin that you could so readily get from your partner. As much as we tell ourselves this person was so special, even if they were, this pain stems from a chemical imbalance.
To fix our grief, ofcourse you have to ruminate, to understand what led to the end of this chapter. It's natural to pine, to obsess over what could be, but these are products of what our brains are craving. It's like an addiction.
To overcome these feelings, it's imperative to replace these feeders. Friends are a source of oxytocin, achieving goals (even trivial ones) are a source of dopamine, exercise is a source of serotonin. We have to substitute the dose of these chemicals our exes used to provide with alternative sources. Some people resort to alcohol or drugs, and these substances do work very temporarily because of the effect on our brains, however they are not permanent replacements.
Yet, when we apply the more lengthy approaches to fix these imbalances like exercising, making new friends, finding new hobbies that we may not be immediately interested in, or even creating minimal-effort goals for ourselves, we are supplementing that imbalance. With discipline, these healthy copes rewire our brains, and eventually the progress that we do see in ourselves - whether it be new accomplishments, new friends, or better health - provide perspective that we have actually grown as individuals, and that positive realization reinforces the journey we are enduring.
To everyone hurting, please apply yourself. All individuals are strong, but we all need motivation. My advice is to address the voids we have, consistently, with blind faith, and you will grow out of this.
Sincerely,
Someone who understands