Gonna try to not cry while I write this. Gonna fail.
Gonna try to keep it short. Gonna fail.
So my ex was abusive, a cheater, and a bad drunk. I always knew he was a bit racist (not when we were dating, obviously, he always seemed amazing then, but over ten years in the marriage he just... deteriorated in every way as a human), but he got worse on all fronts, and I couldn't take it anymore. One day I woke up to him throwing something at my head and telling me he was gonna divorce me and I'd be alone forever and I said, "Good. Let's do that. The thing where we get divorced and you leave me alone forever." Then he freaked out, tried to be good, tried to "fix it", etc, but I was filing. I couldn't take it anymore.
He took months to move out, even after the decree was signed, I almost had to evict him, he was upset because he wanted to move in with his girlfriend who lived close by, but couldn't because she found out he was cheating so he had to move in with the girlfriend an hour away instead.
He's not been easy. He's always changing the times that we're supposed to meet, realizing that the change hurts him not me, then changing it back because he realized he was fcking himself. He called CPS on me to try to "get me to comply" with him - which I had in writing. CPS did not seem to care that he only called them out of revenge and said so in writing. He threatened my kids, but apparently that's hearsay because they can't testify in court.
He texts me relentlessly about stuff that doesn't or didn't happen to try to get a rise out of me. He'll make things up, sometimes crazy alarming things involving the kids, and then act like it never happened the next day.
Nobody cares.
And so I realized... no one will ever care. No one will ever be there for me. I've gotta just... idk. Figure it out. Went to join the military (free childcare, I get to do something I like, a lot of my life would just be instantly more stable), and I can't with my house payment because my DTI would be too high.
Cool. I'll just sell the house. Get an apartment for a few months. I had figured out childcare. Namely, his mom.
Some background: he's been a drunk for a long time. At one point, he stole upwards of $10,000 from her, and she had to decide between losing her house and pressing charges on him and keeping it. Guess what? She lost her house. But her family NEVER FORGAVE HIM. Then when he cheated and beat me with a gun when I was pregnant and went to jail etc etc etc... more and more of his family caught distance from him, including her. Distance to the extent of agreeing to testify against him. She has been there for me through the abuse, and always helped. She had not talked to him for years. She watches the kids every other week while I work, when that conflicts with the court schedule that he insisted we get.
So, I move into the new apartments. They're in a decent part of town, but yeah, they're pretty inexpensive. I figured I'd save up some money before bootcamp so that they wouldn't have to worry about anything while I go do all of that. And they aren't BAD, to my mind. There's a pool, that's kept up nicely, they have almost all the security features I was looking for already installed, and there's armed security 24/7.
The first day I'm moving in, this kid comes up to me and says hi, his name is [Marcus] (changed for anonymity), am I moving in? I said yeah. He sees me moving by myself (kids weren't there that day), and offers to help. I ask how old he is. He's 10 - my son's age. He helps me move a couple of boxes, and I thank him and offer him some cash but he rejects it, saying his mom's a single mom too and he helps her too, and I say I have a son about his age, maybe they can be friends.
So when my son gets there, he's super excited to meet the kid and they hit it off right away, and they're really tight friends really fast. Grandma just happens to be in town, she offers to come help watch the kids while I move - maybe take them to the pool - and I say that's great, I could use the help, I think: awesome. I know she's older, she's made random offhand comments, but nothing crazy. Nothing severe. I would just end the conversation at that and we didn't discuss it.
So she comes and watches the kids at the pool. I'm moving for a couple of days with her and the kids and it seems fine. Then they go off to their dad's. She and him don't talk so she doesn't come with and she's waiting for me at my old house when I get back.
She breaks down crying, and cries for almost an hour, because "there's so many black people there." and she's "just so scared, especially for [5 yo daughter] playing with all those little black boys, there's just so many little black boys, anything could happen, they could do anything to her."
And I'm like:
wut
So I clarify that she's upset and feels that the children aren't safe because there's black people around. She says yes. She thinks I should let the kids stay with their dad until I can "move somewhere whiter." or get through boot camp.
She voiced her concerns to him and he reported to CPS and the police that I moved somewhere unsafe for his kids and he won't return them to me until I move somewhere safer and let him monitor my location. He has told me, in writing, that he's going to make the courts force me to tell him where I am. I'm sure he was intentionally vague with the police, but apparently they are now talking again, and are united on this front:
I cannot see my kids until I move somewhere whiter.
I was supposed to get them back today. He refused to drop them off. I called her and she said it was for the best, because "there's so many little black boys running around, anything could happen to your kids."
I just... I'm so angry on so many levels, I don't have words for it and I just wanna scream and I hate it so much and I wanna call my parents, but they would just agree, and I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. I can't do this anymore. I can't
I don't even have words
Just AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCK THIS STATE
FUCK
Everyone here has been so fucking nice to me. Even passing me on the sidewalk, I had a dad tell his four young boys to stand to the side, let the lady with the nightstand pass, cause she's carryin somethin heavy, be polite and mind your manners.
One of them saw I was moving and crying and brought me fuckin tamales.
All the kids are so nice and my kids made more friends here in a few days than in 5 years at our old suburban house.
But they can't make those friends. Cause they're not white.
Grandma and dad don't want the kids playing with the black children.
JUST...
I hate it here.
I can't do this shit. I don't even know what to do. I know I have to focus on moving, I have like four days to be out but I just keep crying instead.
That kid is the absolute nicest ten year old I've ever met. If she even took a second to talk to him, she'd know that. But she doesn't see that, because he's black. She's just afraid of him. She says she doesn't want my kid to talk to him, he's "not a good kid."
And I haven't even moved everything out.
And now idk what I'll do for childcare. Cause 24 hour shifts mean that I'm either paying $600 a shift or calling out every other Friday.
I hate everything about this. I'm so angry. I can't believe that a white dude who beat me with a gun when I was pregnant and went to jail is better in her mind than a well mannered black 10 year old boy.
And I'm so upset.
And I feel like I'm surrounded by these fucking racists and I hate it and I don't have words.
How is everyone so awful?
Just...
fuck.