u/Maleficent-Skin-746

I 34M have been married for 2 years, My wife is usually very sweet and caring, we were together 4 years before the wedding , Now for some info my dad died when i was 15, My mom went into severe depression and therapy was not as abundant 20 years ago , So my mom basically stopped functioning, she did not cook for us until 2 years after the funeral, she also went into a 6 month mute phase , She was not speaking by choice according to the several doctors i took her to, they said she was physically fine, her vocal chords and throat were not damaged in anyways, she just chose to not speak 5 years after the funeral.

That meant i had to be the man of the house from a young age and constantly explain to my mom that my sister who is 8 years younger than me still needed to be fed and driven to school, the earth would not stop spinning just coz my dad died, of course i was speaking to the deaf, i constantly had to keep my mom from spiraling and comfort her nervous breakdowns, and take care of my younger sister, my older sister tried to help but she was in the last year of college and working, she was overwhelmed.

My mom is better now, both my sisters are happily married and i have a nephew and a niece, so i'd like to think i did decently , as much as i could anyways, But of course that left me with some insecurities and struggles to priotarize myself, it also made my skin so thick like i could take a lot of crab from girls , my tolerance was so high.

it took some years of therapy and medication to help me be at peace with everything and not hold it over my mom for what she did to us , now my wife knew all that , she always been proud of me for being sweet and attentive and taking care of my sisters etc.. , but a few days ago we were having an argument about a guy at her work that is clearly into her, we argued a lot and i said something like "can you keep your contact with him just work related ", and then she hit me with a very frustrated "god no wonder your mom spiraled and hated your guts after your dad, if you were so whiny back then".

I honestly did not reply, i just froze and looked at her, she must have freaked out because she teared up and kept apologizing saying she did not mean it and the heat of the moment and all, But honestly i do not know, it is like someone put frozen water on my feelings for her, I do not wanna see her, i do not wanna speak with her, I am sleeping in another room, I am not doing this to punish or spite here i genuinely get annoyed just by her sight , she still keeps apologizing but i find it so bad that she searched for the worst thing to be said and said it, I mean i was a child back then, what else could have i done, and those 10 years formed most of my character ,like i cannot think what she said was an accident.

sorry for the rant, I will talk to my therapist about this , but i wanted to get some perspective, i have a divorce lawyer friend and i am seriously thinking about calling him, I do not wanna talk to my friends about it coz i do not wanna talk down my wife to them, so AITAH?

I think both sentiments are true, And that is because the 2 parties are talking about different things.

Obviously not all, but Women are talking about the standard to maintain a relationship , Which is truly very low, just take care of yourself and your women and do not be a violent POS and listen when she talks and you will be above most guys.

and also not all but Men are talking about the standard to enter or initiate a relationship in the first place , Which is indeed very high, she needs to be attracted to you in the first place, you need to find the magical balance between being charismatic and assertive without being creepy or overwhelming her, you probably should have a decent job, and in the world of online dating women have tons of options, she literally can swipe a screen and have a guy flirt with her,you need to lead a conversation and still have to let her talk about herself, it is anything but easy.

My advice as an average guy in my early 30s, and this is just from my experience, what helped most is you gotta chance your circles,Ladies correct me but i think this applies to women as well, if you constantly getting no success or awful dates, you need to change avenues, hang out at new places, hang out with your other group of friends, I'd also advice getting off online dating, real life is a lot simpler IMO, of course this is easier said than done but these are just my 2 cents .