Hi everyone, I’m really struggling and would appreciate advice on how to handle this.
I’m in my early 20s and recently had my first baby (now 4 months old). We currently live with my parents, who have been very supportive and respectful of us as parents.
My MIL has been the opposite and repeatedly ignores boundaries I’ve set.
Some examples:
She posted a photo of my baby online within hours of him being born, despite us asking for no posts until we announced it ourselves. This was while I was still recovering from a C-section.
In the first couple of weeks, she constantly criticised how I cared for my baby and gave advice that conflicted with medical guidance (feeding, burping, etc.), and ignored instructions I gave her.
During my baby’s first bath, she tried to take over and told me I was doing it wrong, which was upsetting as it was an important moment for me.
She stopped visiting but then told others I was preventing her from seeing the baby, even though I couldn’t travel after surgery.
When we visit, she wakes the baby, tries to take him from me, and ignores me when I say no.
She expects us to stay overnight weekly, which I’m not comfortable with, and disrupts his sleep routine when we do.
She has suggested unsafe things (like using a pillow in his cot) and argued when I said no.
She frequently asks to have him overnight, but I don’t feel comfortable with this.
She recently referred to herself as “mummy” to my baby, which didn’t sit right with me.
The main issue is my partner’s response. When I raise concerns, he tends to minimise them, saying she’s just excited or that I’m overreacting, and doesn’t reinforce boundaries.
I’m starting to feel anxious about seeing her and unsupported as a parent.
I’d really appreciate advice on:
How to set and enforce boundaries when my partner isn’t backing me up
Whether it’s reasonable to limit visits or refuse overnight stays
How to address repeated overstepping in a calm but firm way
I want to handle this constructively, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult.
u/Major-Win-364
Hi everyone, I’m really struggling and could use advice on how to handle this properly before I completely lose my patience.
I’m in my early 20s and so is my boyfriend. We had our first baby 4 months ago. We currently live with my parents, who have been really supportive and respectful — they’ve made it clear this is our baby and we make the decisions.
My MIL has been the complete opposite and repeatedly ignores boundaries I’ve set.
Here are some examples:
Posting baby without permission:
We asked for no photos online until we announced it. She came to the hospital the day he was born and posted a photo within 2 hours (I’d just had a C-section and hadn’t even taken my own photos yet). My boyfriend had to call her to delete it.
Constant unwanted and incorrect advice:
In the first 2 weeks she came over nearly every day and:
Criticised how I held the baby
Told me not to use a dummy
Told me to breastfeed instead of bottle feeding
Said I could mix formulas
Ignored feeding instructions and refused to burp him properly, even when told it causes him pain
Trying to take over parenting moments:
During my baby’s first bath (which was very important to me after recovering from a C-section), she:
Told me I was doing it wrong
Tried to physically push me out of the way
Ignoring recovery and then blaming me:
After 2 weeks she stopped visiting and expected us to bring the baby to her, even though I couldn’t drive after surgery.
She then told others I was “not letting her see him.”
Disrupting baby’s routine and physically overstepping:
When we visit:
She wakes him up when he’s sleeping
Tries to take him out of my arms
Ignores me when I say no
Forcing overnight stays:
She expects us to stay at her house once a week. I’m very uncomfortable with this.
She comes into the room late at night and tries to wake the baby and overstimulates him right before bedtime.
Unsafe advice:
She bought a pillow for his cot and argued with me when I removed it, even after I explained safety risks.
Pushing for overnight access:
She constantly asks to have him overnight. I’m not comfortable with this, especially as she has already said she would have him sleep in her bed.
Calling herself “mummy”:
Recently she referred to herself as “mummy” to my baby. When I brought it up, my boyfriend said I was overreacting.
The biggest issue is my boyfriend. Every time I bring something up, he:
Says “that’s just how she is”
Says she’s “just excited”
Tells me I’m overreacting
He doesn’t actually address the behaviour or enforce any boundaries.
I feel completely undermined and disrespected as a parent. I’m also starting to feel anxious about seeing her because I know my boundaries will be ignored again.
At this point:
I don’t feel comfortable going to her house
I don’t trust her to follow basic safety rules
I feel like I have no support from my partner when it comes to his mother
What I need advice on:
-How do I set firm boundaries when my boyfriend won’t back me up?
-Is it reasonable to refuse overnight stays and limit visits?
-How do I address the “mummy” comment and other overstepping without it turning into a huge argument?
-At what point do I step back contact if nothing changes?
I’m trying to handle this calmly, but I feel like I’m being pushed to my limit.
Responding to some common comments:
I just wanted to clarify a few things that came up, as I think I didn’t explain some parts clearly.
Overnight stays:
I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about this multiple times. The weekly overnight stays at his mum’s house are really affecting me. I feel anxious the whole day leading up to going, and it also disrupts our baby’s routine.
His reasoning is that it’s “fair” because we live with my parents. However, the situation isn’t comparable. My parents are very hands-off and respectful — they don’t come into our space or interfere. If we want to socialise, we go to them.
So for me, this isn’t about fairness, it’s about the environment and how comfortable and respected I feel — which is very different in each house.
My boyfriend and his mum’s dynamic:
A few people mentioned that his behaviour might stem from how he was raised, and I do think that’s relevant.
His mum has always done everything for him — cleaning, cooking, laundry, organising his things, etc. He wasn’t expected to be independent in the same way. When he moved in with me, she even told me I should take over those responsibilities, which I shut down straight away. He’s my partner, not my child.
I think this dynamic plays a big role in why he struggles to set boundaries with her now.
Cultural aspect:
I also want to add some context that I didn’t include in my original post.
My boyfriend often explains or excuses his mum’s behaviour by saying it’s due to cultural differences as she is from Asia whereas I am from Europe and we live in Europe. I understand that background and upbringing can influence how someone behaves, and I’m not dismissing that.
However, this is something he brings up to justify her behaviour, rather than something I raised myself.
My issue is that, regardless of background, the behaviours I’m struggling with are things like ignoring boundaries, undermining me as a parent, and not respecting decisions we’ve made for our baby.
For me, those are not cultural differences — they’re boundaries that I feel should be respected regardless.
Boundaries and contact:
I have tried to explain to my boyfriend that this situation isn’t sustainable. I’ve told him I need him to support me and set boundaries with his mum.
He feels that because it’s his child too, he can’t limit her access. I understand that perspective, but my concern is that repeated boundary crossing — especially around safety — needs to be taken seriously.
I’m not trying to keep our baby from his mum out of spite. I just want to feel that our boundaries as parents are respected and that our baby is in a safe, consistent environment.