u/Lucidicrous_22

But I can't say that. I have to say "good". Although I have now resorted to not answering customers and redirecting the "how was your day?" back to them. If they say good and ask ME again, I just smile. Hahaha.

But no it's so freaking busy because of an event and it's like I'm not even here anymore. And you know those door alarms that tell you "ANOTHER CONSUMER IS HERE-oh look it's Bob for his 4th chocolate bar of the hour"? I'm going to hear it in my dreams tonight. Instead of counting sheep, I'm counting the sheer amount of people I have had to interact with. I am learning VERY quickly that the older I get, the more I hate having to deal with..anyone.

Everyone else having a decent day? *eye twitch*

I thought I could take being alone. I told myself I deserved it and could take it because I have always felt something was wrong with me. I remember being little and not "being" with anyone else, even when I had all my classmates around me. Always in my own world.

To be told that I deserve happiness and someone to share my life with is utter bullshit. It's for the normal people. Something is different in me and I am a watcher I think. Life is one big tv screen and I'm waiting and waiting to get up and go outside but I can't because I already am and I might as well be a boring sign. An interaction with no way to integrate into someone else's life and no chance they will like and be able to fit into mine. Something to talk to for a bit until they find out how little substance there is to my life aside from what my brain conjures.

I try to make friendships and attempting a possible first relationship currently; and it all fizzles out to being one sided-by convenience. I wish I never tried with him and just stayed friends. The potential hanging over our heads is killing me but I'm scared of driving him away. At this rate maybe I'll get a second chance with someone else in my 40's. Does it matter though? Lots of people die alone, but I'm a poor sport I guess, so I gotta yap about it. Oh! What's also great is now not only do I want to jump when I see real life couples, I can't even take any romance from media. Strangers and their announcements put knives into my heart.

And it's always the attractive or people who wear a golden heart on their faces that have someone. I wish I was prettier and had parents who reinforced good habits and got me help. I think I have ADD and I know I fear more than I should. But I can't even hate them for that, yet maybe I do? I don't know, I think it's just because I ended up with some of their issues because they wanted a kid when they had their own problems. I wish I had been born anyone else, into a family that could've helped me to be normal. Although it doesn't sound like it, I do care. I care so much that I can't even fight people on things; even when I might have a point. I hate when people are mad at me or I think they got a bad impression from me being too weird. It's fucking hard to "be yourself" when a voice keeps telling you to end it when you embarassed yourself because in my own world now everything is tainted with said person.

The one thing that I can say is that I wasn't terribly mistreated, but I didn't have a normal upbringing.

But if I did, maybe I could be on the otherside of the glass, glowing and happy with a roster of friends and hand in hand with someone. Instead I'm this try-to-be-nice bitter shell with mental problems and my soul, my very one and only life is wasted inside this broken mind.

It's only been two times, and they're not scary, but my brain seems to be checking in on me?

The first time I woke up on my back, seemingly holding my breath, not feeling anything weird. Except I opened my eyes to see who I thought was my Mom leaning over me. I got the impression she was checking my breathing or was concerned about something. I breathed, moved and she seemed to leave as well.

I asked her some time later, remembering this and she said she was never in my room that morning or remembered anything like I was describing. Great. Knew it was SP.

That's not the problem though.

What happened a month later (this morning), was I woke up on my back again, my right arm splayed out from me and I felt like my hand tapped someone's leg. They then proceeded to put their two fingers to my wrist. I froze, thinking WTF, because I remembered the breathing thing immediately and got freaked out.

These incidents didn't scare me in themselves, but is my brain picking up something about me that's wrong? My hallucinations usually scare me in the horror-esque way, not "should I go to a doctor?" way.