I'm so tired of my mental issues
I 20F had just broken up with my boyfriend of a week today as I couldn't reciprocate his love bombing. I felt nothing for him. I found out one of the reasons is because I'm emotionally Unavailable. I don't want to be. I want to find love and love someone just as much as they love me but if I can't seem to get myself to do so and it's the reason I've been single for 5 years. There's also issues of him trying to push my boundaries a little, talking sexual alot because of his hypersexuality and just overall his personality annoying me most times. We have known each other months and he seems like a good guy and I thought I liked him like that so I asked him out but that feeling only lasted a day and suddenly I feel nothing but emptiness and even some disgust because of how he acts. The issue is I also have abandonment issues too so it makes me more clingy to people I really enjoy hanging out with. I tend to get possessive and visibly upset if I don't get a lot of attention from them. Keep in mind I don't have any friends besides one girl I've known for a year but we don't talk a lot so maybe it's why I tend to act crazier....I'm not sure but I just know my chest hurts and I hate fucking crying because of my loneliness but I can't seem to keep connections. I can't seem to love like I want to....I just want to love someone....I wanna know what it's like to be romantically obsessed and totally in that puppy love stage. I get so envious of people around me that have that....but yet I can't ever seem to get it...I'm just so tired of being alone and gaming alone ....I want people to like me.... especially since I try so hard to be a good person...