I'm 13 years sober. Let's start there. About 12 years ago I decided to enter a halfway house after drug treatment which is where I met my best friend. We'll call her...Kay. Kay and I shared a room and she helped to get me through some of the most difficult times of my life and I did the same for her. We immediately clicked and even now I do love her with all my heart, but over this past year things have DRASTICALLY changed. She now lives in another state but ANYTIME SHE CALLED, I'D ANSWER. I just found out I have cancer on my face (pigmented basal cell carcinoma) and when she called I was so glad I could have someone to talk to about it. The moment I answered the phone she was HYSTERICAL. I've never known her to be like this. She's screaming about how her husband won't have s*x with her and she needs him to f**k her the way my husband does to me....SO OUT OF CHARACTER AND BIZARRE. I listen to this for, I kid you not, HOURS hysterical the entire time. I try to genuinely comfort her and stay on the phone while my 3 kids are begging me to make dinner and help them with homework. It was so draining but I finally get off the phone. The very next day she calls me back to back to back telling me I have to stay on the phone or she's gonna unalive herself. I started crying feeling desperate so I stay on the phone with her for hours as she's hysterical again. I'm trying to get off the phone and she makes it very clear how she feels about it without directly saying it. She said "AND ANY FKN FRIEND THAT DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE FOR ME CAN GO FK THEMSELVES. NO REAL FKN FRIEND WOULD DO THAT!" AGAIN, I have 3 kids begging me to attend to them and she completely ignores my pleas to get off the phone for hours. I felt sick and emotionally drained. THE NEXT DAY, SAME THING. Calls me HYSTERICAL. She could tell I was getting tired of it and l know she was lying to keep me on the phone when she blurts out how some dude in TX r-worded her daughter and she's gonna come down here and end them and then end herself. It was so all over the place, desperate, and a total lie. I mentioned after about 30 min that I had to get off the phone because my husband needed me AND SHE GOES TF OFF about my husband. She can't stand him and he's a fkn @$$hole in her eyes, he'll always be an ass in her eyes and how she'll pay for me to get away from him. Mind you my husband is amazing and has ALWAYS been so kind and loving to her. It's starting to feel like she relapsed, going nuts, or is infatuated and becoming obbsessive and controlling with me. She won't even acknowledge getting off the phone with me even when I'm begging her because my kids need me!! She calls from 6 am ALL THE WAY TO 2 am hysterical expecting me to give her every ounce of my attention and energy where I have none left for my family and this is making me physically and mentally sick for days. Constantly hysterical talking about how she wants to end it which i feel is a bluff but i can't handle her putting that on me NON STOP FOR HOURS AND DAYS AT A TIME WHILE IMPLYING I BETTER GIVE ALL MY ENERGY TO HER OR ELSE, BUT IF SHE WERE TO I'D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF. 😫 COULDN'T EVEN GET A WORD IN to tell her about my recent diagnosis of cancer. I'm almost positive she relapsed on drugs and I want nothing to do with that life anymore. I have too much going for my life to get sucked back into that pit of nonstop drama and despair. I finally wrote her this yesterday and then blocked her because I can't take it anymore (changed the name of course):
Kay, I love you but I need time before we talk on the phone again. I want you to know that I love you and I want to be there for you, but I am also feeling sick for days to weeks at a time every time we talk because of how non stop intense it is now. I feel like a terrible friend for how my body is reacting but it is so intense that I can't handle the amount of stress that it is bringing my body. I'm talking headaches, nausea, insomnia, and anxiety like I've never felt before. It's literally wrecking my physical and my mental health. As we speak, I am driving to the doctor because I have cancer. Pigmented basal cell carcinoma on my face. The last times we talked, I couldn't even get out what was happening because I couldn't get a single word in with how extreme and hysterical you've been. We were speaking day after day after day and when I would tell you that I had to get off the phone because I have 3 kids, a husband, and a mom that depend on me for homework making dinner, getting everybody bathed, getting the kids to bed, playing with them, going over their school stuff and extracurricular things that they are doing,
cooking a meal for my husband, and taking a shower you would completely ignore me and continue to be hysterical making it impossible for me to get off the phone and take care of my family. You said that if someone is a real friend, they wouldn't deny talking to you and eff them if they can't handle what's going on with you and that was a clear message to me that if i had any reason to attend to my life it made me a terrible friend. I can't be on the phone for multiple hours or even a full hour/most times even 20 or 30 minutes because of what my family requires from me. When I would get off the phone I was completely drained and sick and could not even put into them what I had to get done because I was so sick. There were times when I would tell you that I had to get off the phone and you would just completely ignore me and not really let me no matter what, followed by calling me back the same or the next day hysterical and expecting me to stay on the phone for hours or that made me a bad friend when there are times where I can't even be on the phone for 20 minutes. You have no idea how difficult this is to write and even writing it is making me feel sick again but there's nothing I can do about the way that it is affecting me which makes me feel like a terrible human being. The last I would say, 7 or 8 phone calls I have had, the moment I answer you are screaming crying for hours straight and that is too much for me to take. It is rocking my world. I'm sitting there with my kids, wondering how i'm going to deal with possibly dying, the cost of medicine or possibly chemo, and how they are going to take it if that happens while simultaneously trying to keep myself in an upbeat a state of mind and spirit, because it will destroy you and make you sicker if you're not trying to be positive, and you call screaming about how you want to die and it absolutely wrecks me. I can't get off the phone with you or i'm a bad friend. I can't focus on myself and my family or i'm a bad friend. My husband is an asshole in your eyes which is what you kept telling me and extreme things are happening almost every day while I'm also trying to deal with my life and what's possibly coming for me. I'll have my daughter pulling up my pant leg, begging me to make her food or my sons trying to ask me if I can help them with their homework or my mother wanting to know and what the plan is for treatment, the kinds of financial help i can try to find for treatment and where we go from here and I can't get off the phone with you or I'm a bad friend while having to just sit there and listen to you wail about something new and devastating daily there for a while. It was and is making me sicker to have to just swallow that or feel guilty about protecting my mental and physical state. I want to be there for you but I also don't know what is going on with you, because you have never been like this in our friendship and it is taking a huge toll on my physical and mental health. You just won't even acknowledge when I tell you that I have to go or that I need a little time and just continue and call me the next day just as hysterical expecting me to give every ounce of my energy and attention to all these extreme things happening and my body just can't take it. I feel like a terrible friend and person because I always want to be there for you but I also need you to understand that I have an entire family that depends on me every single day and I cannot just be on the phone for hours at a time while someone loses their entire mind and I can't explain to you how badly this is messing with me while being sick. It took me almost a month to feel normal again after the last time we spoke. It's too much and it is too taxing and I am so sorry that it is so much for me and it is so taxing, but I can't just keep ignoring my body, my mental health, and my family. I love you very much and I am sorry, but I definitely need some time before we talk again. It's killing me Kay and I need time. I do love you and being honest about this is hurting me a lot but I have to say it because it's eating me alive. I need you to understand I need some serious time before we jump back into this. I love you and I'm sorry but it's killing me. I need time and I'm praying you understand that.
Am I the wrong one here? Is it wrong for me to protect my physical and mental health from this constant barrage of anxiety and unbelievable need for attention?? I'm so hurt but I also can't take it anymore. 😞