I keep having intrusive, and gross thoughts about being taken advantage of, and it’s killing me.
This has been happening for a good while now. I’m relatively young and have been getting these intense, intrusive thoughts about wanting to be raped, groomed, and abused by older woman.
Let me clarify that I do not enjoy these thoughts, and that I want them gone. I have a relatively healthy relationship with my mother, so it would be odd if that was the root of the issue.
I get this weird, twisted comfort out of the thought of someone older grooming me, or giving me the slightest bit of attention even if it’s not positive. I was never raped, or groomed irl so I don’t know where these thoughts come from, or why. I make myself want to throw up everytime something like that appears In my head. The comfort mixes with shame and it just kills me inside and I want them gone.
I can’t speak up about these thoughts with the fear of someone else shaming me aswell. I don’t have access to actual therapy, so I’m settling for just venting about it and ranting. I’m wondering if anyone else gets these types of thoughts, and how they manage them? Is there a way to stop them or redirect them?
Any help, or advice is greatly appreciated. I’m just tired of feeling like a creep and weirdo, and feeling confused.